Making the decision about psychiatric medications and treatments

There are times I wish there was one drug to work for everyone.  I went through years trying to find a combination that worked for me, to be stable (if that is possible), keep the psychosis and mania to a minimum and depression at bay.  Part of the issue I faced in the early years of my diagnosis was being in the military, I moved around a lot.  So, just when I found find a good doctor and felt comfortable with them, it would once again be time to move.  I got to the point where I didn't care much anymore, especially when it came to one of the last doctors I had.  He rarely listened to what I had to say, I was on two medications and I was having awful side effects, I begged him to change them.  He would sit behind his desk and fill out his insurance forms for the visit.  After a few visits and no help I did the only thing that sounded logical to me, I weaned myself off all medications.  I'd had enough.  

Fast forward to a year and I crashed, hard!  It was then I realized that I was not going to be able to do this alone, I had to be on medication in order at least keep some level to stability.  The journey would become harder than I thought, but after three psychiatrists and psychologists, I found not only a medical team I could trust, but also a medication combination that was helpful.  It was not an easy road however; it took several attempts to find out that my system rejected just about every new drug that had come on the market.  In addition, the Anti-Depressants I was taking were actually causing some of my mania.  With that off the list it came down to relying solely on mood-stabilizers, anti-psychotics and anxiety medication, but as we slowly ticked off the list of medications I could not take I became more discouraged.  The main hurdle we faced, in my eyes, was the extent of my diagnosis, Schizo-affective was simply the tip of the iceberg, it also included General Anxiety disorder, PTSD, and Dissociative Disorder.   Thankfully I had a doctor that would not give up.    

In the end we came up with a combination of Lamictal, Neurontin and Klonopin.  The first two keep me stable, for the most part (not drug is going to make this go away completely) and the later helps me not only sleep (my brain refuses to shut down, especially at night), but I can take it during the day if I am having an anxiety attack.  It is important to add that medication alone was not the answer, at least for me, and while we discussed medications he decided to approach the subject of ECT, (Electro-Convulsion therapy).  The idea more than scared me, but I was desperate and I trusted my doctor.  I checked into the hospital, was admitted to the psych ward and for the next 10 days had five treatments, and then I had three treatments as an outpatient.  The experience as not what I expected, my only side effect was bad dry mouth afterwards, and a headache.  

Now being the challenging patient that I am, and while the ECT worked to ease my depression, it brought on mania.  We didn't see it at first, it was subtle, but there was something going on.  12 months later I was back and had a second round after I hit bottom again after losing my cousin to suicide, his death destroyed me and sent me into a severe mixed episode.   Since the last sequence of treatments had help with the depression, this time my doctor knew we had to take a different approach.  It is most common to administer the treatment to one side of the brain; however, for me he decided he had to administer to both sides in order to balance out the depression and mania.  It was like my mind was fighting itself for control and he was making every effort to call a truce.  There was some success with the treatments and balance was restored, but there was a part of me that had hoped that it would make it all go away, I was growing more and more tired of it all. 

I began tracking my symptoms a few years ago; I watch how my mania, depression, anxiety, psychosis and sleep fluctuate from day to day. With the graph I can see what may have been going on that day to cause more a depressive state and what may have caused anxiety.  It’s not fool proof, but it can give a general overview of what may trigger some of the mood swings and then I can make any changes I may need to. 

In the end, yes the ECT did help and the medications continue to keep things in check - for the most part.  Over time I realized that we must live with these illnesses as they are, work with a good medical team, and have a strong support system.  Without all these pieces in place we run the risk of continuing to hide behind our mask and tell the world we are “OK,” when what we really need is help.  

“O” is for Obstacle #atozblogchallenge

Picture for a moment a track race, there are many hurdles the runners need to jump to get to the finish line, each one must be crossed at the precise time in order to win; it takes practice, courage, determination and above all the dedication to make the dream come true.  You are probably wondering by this point how this all pertains to mental illness; you would be surprised.  

My doctors consider me a challenge; I have stumped them more times than I can remember, they try a treatment that has worked for years, and I am not able to either take a certain medication, or it has an opposite reaction on me; I have had my psychiatrist just sit and shake his head at me in disbelief.  Part of me thinks he enjoys it because he is a researcher as well, and he enjoys the mystery.  However, I regress; each of these things is an obstacle; each part of my illness is one more jump I have to make in order to live free of what the next minute is going to bring me.  

Each of my diagnoses is an obstacle for me; the letters define an instant in time that I felt either out of control or an instance when my mind turned on me.  I face the obstacles of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) because of years of abuse. I have spent years fighting to get back what was taken from me; I still get angry and look for ways to forget and move on, but the wall is there, and I am slowly climbing to the top, one day I will be able to look down and say I made it and can see the other side. 

When it comes to DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) however, it becomes more challenging.  The little darlings who live inside my head enjoy the games they play with me, over the years I have come to know them, why they exist and how to handle them, for the most part, but they remain a part of me.  The obstacle with this illness is the fact that I am used to not having to face crisis or pain I find it difficult to let go of each personality because they have gotten me through so much, and I was never really given the opportunity to do it on my own, now I am trying to learn. 

Bipolar Disorder and Anxiety create a havoc that can last for days, weeks or even months at a time, each illness on it’s own has the ability to weaken the soul and fighting takes more energy than you think you have in you, but if you believe you are strong and have faith it is possible.  The trick to these two illnesses is learning the triggers or obstacles that get in way and cause the moods to change suddenly. 

 

Put it all together the hurdles seem endless, overwhelming and unobtainable.  I used to think that as well, but with each day I came closer to the answer, I find that one instance where a past trigger may have sent me into a tailspin and this time I simply blinked, and it was gone.  I smile and know that one more challenge has been met, now on to the next one. 

What are the obstacles in your life?  What makes you cringe when you are faced with what seems like an unobtainable hurdle?

“D” is for Discovery and Dissociative Identity Disorder #atozchallenge

I sat down a few days ago to plan out each letter for this month and when I came to the letter D, there

were several that came to mind, so instead of trying to pick only one I am going to touch on two of them to the best of my ability.

My first step in discovery of my illness and the fact that I needed to find a way to survive, for lack of a better word, was when my father died in 1999.  My dad was Paranoid Schizophrenic; he was lost to this world his illness taking his mind and life away to a place we could never understand.  The saddest part was his refusal to seek treatment; he preferred who he was and spent his days wandering.  The day I learned of his death. I was devastated; the illness had won.  I didn’t care what the coroner said, massive heart attack was his opinion and only I knew the truth; schizophrenia took his life.  

With this news, I realized what was ahead of me, the battle I was facing, and it was up to me to make the change and fight what my mind was challenging me with.  I came to see it this way; my dad gave life to me twice.  Being my father was the first, the second he saved my life with his unfortunate early death.  For that I am forever grateful and his picture sits on my desk, my spirit guide and strength when every part of me wants to give up. 

“D” is also for the one part of my illness that I almost never talk about, Dissociative Identity Disorder.  Mentioning this brings the idea of the movie Sybil to most people and that is what is believed to be the truth when it comes to Multiple Personalities, unfortunately it is merely a fabrication, and the reality is far less exciting.  

My dissociation was created as a way to survive years of horrible abuse at the hands of a man who should not have been allowed to walk the earth for any length of time.  It wasn't only him though, there were others after him, but he forced  the different parts of me into reality, and that is where they have stayed.  I wish I could tell you some dramatic story of things I have done, or how they have exposed themselves, but I cannot.  I have four total, three female and one male; two of them are protectors and keep me safe.  I know I do not need them anymore, but I am so used to their presence that getting angry is difficult on my own.  One is still the little girl hoping for someone to rescue her from the hell; she is experiencing, and the last one is probably more of who I am at the very core of my soul, who I didn't get to become.  She is a dreamer, a seeker and wanderer; she wants to explore the world and discover all that was missed in our days of silence.

They have served their purpose, pulled me through many days when I wanted no more than to die and unfortunately have also gotten me into a lot of trouble.  There are times when I have done things I either didn’t remember or didn’t realize what the repercussions would be, but it goes with the territory, and it is my job now to keep myself under control – all of me.  

So the letter D has been quite interesting, and I am hoping a bit informative, I do not talk about it much, but it is a part of me and in order for me truly stand up for what I believe and to fight the stigma of mental illness, I need to bear it all.