O - is for Obstacle

Picture for a moment a sporting event, no matter the sport there are obstacles in the way and there is a challenge to move around them in order to win the game or race.  It takes determination, practice, precision and most of all a dedication to what it will take to win.  So, you may ask what does this have to do with mental illness, well it takes that same determination and dedication to achieve stability despite the challenges that are placed in our way. 

When it comes to treatment my doctors consider me a challenge.  I have tried more medications than I could mention, not being able to take the majority due to side effects and my system being so sensitive.  I’ve had my psychiatrist sit and shake his head at me and smile, telling me I am a challenge.  I will take that as a compliment to him, as he has found ways to treat me that work and not give up because of my sensitivities.  Each medication or treatment that does not work is an obstacle I must overcome in order to stay healthy.

My diagnoses in itself is an obstacle, the initials or names may not mean much to people, but to me they make up part of who I am and why I do the things that I do.  I face the challenge of PTSD (Post-Traumtic Stress Disorder) because of years of abuse.  I have spent many years fighting to get back what was taken from me.  I have hope that I will find my way until then the wall is there and one brick at a time I am chipping away at it. 

Bipolar disorder and Anxiety create a world of havoc in my life that can last for days or weeks, even months at a time.  Each of these illnesses on their own can create chaos, put them together and the challenge can become monumental.  What is most important with these illnesses is learning the triggers, or obstacles that find their way into your life and cause the mood swings. 

Putting this all together into one single post is difficult, but in the end we are all the same.  We are each faced with challenges and obstacles on a daily basis that challenge us or make us doubt our choices.  It’s normal and with each obstacle we face we know that we become stronger as people and learn what we are truly capable of.

What are some of the challenges in your life?  

"V" is for Vignette #atozblogchallenge

For today’s blog post, I decided to share a small snippet of my book, “Thoughts From A Cluttered Mind,” with you all, after all V is for Vignette.   The story is a journey of my struggle with mental illness, abuse, PTSD and how I came out the other side, a bit battered and bruised but wiser and ready to take on the world that was my enemy for so many years.  

“Click, slam, click.”  

The sound of the door locking terrified me as I walked slowly down the hall. 

“How did I get here?” I said out loud to no one, the suicide note was just for attention, just so someone would listen and take me seriously. 

I knew that part was only partially true, I had written the note for attention, but I also knew there was part of me that was ready to call it quits, Up until that afternoon to the outside world; I seemed a normal wife and mom.  Inside my mind, however, a storm was brewing, and I was caught in the middle of it.  It is these feelings and realizations that ran through my mind as I walked through the front doors of the psychiatric hospital that late July night.  I had reached the bottom, and found myself admitted to the mental hospital, I say call it what it is, a place for those who were crazy and couldn’t deal with reality, at least’s that how I felt as I walked down the hallway.

I wouldn’t get any answers from anyone tonight. Their only concern was keeping an eye on me, so I didn’t make another suicide attempt.  Tomorrow I would see about getting out of here; this was a misunderstanding.  A million thoughts ran through my head as I stared at the cold white ceiling, maybe if I just go to sleep, I will wake to find this to be a bad dream. 

It would be a night of interrupted sleep; my mind playing back the movie of my life and what I was seeing terrified me, I couldn’t escape it.  The memories had started, and I was nowhere near ready to face them. Instead I sat on the hard mattress and wrote, the words flowing out of me like a waterfall.   

 (journal entry) So, I hid.  I hid behind the walls thinking I was safe from the outside world, but I was not.  I was safe only from myself, for the time being.  I liked the comfort of knowing I wasn’t alone, that people understood me.  Outside the walls, the windows, behind the shades and curtains, there was a world that could not understand the confines of my brain.  They will never know what it’s like to sleep at night and pray you won’t wake up, that the loneliness will be over, and I would understand the truth that was in my mind.  Instead, I would wake up and find nothing has changed; I was alone.  I still had the desire for some sort of normalcy, and that I feared would never come.  If it did, would I notice it? How could I?

“O” is for Obstacle #atozblogchallenge

Picture for a moment a track race, there are many hurdles the runners need to jump to get to the finish line, each one must be crossed at the precise time in order to win; it takes practice, courage, determination and above all the dedication to make the dream come true.  You are probably wondering by this point how this all pertains to mental illness; you would be surprised.  

My doctors consider me a challenge; I have stumped them more times than I can remember, they try a treatment that has worked for years, and I am not able to either take a certain medication, or it has an opposite reaction on me; I have had my psychiatrist just sit and shake his head at me in disbelief.  Part of me thinks he enjoys it because he is a researcher as well, and he enjoys the mystery.  However, I regress; each of these things is an obstacle; each part of my illness is one more jump I have to make in order to live free of what the next minute is going to bring me.  

Each of my diagnoses is an obstacle for me; the letters define an instant in time that I felt either out of control or an instance when my mind turned on me.  I face the obstacles of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) because of years of abuse. I have spent years fighting to get back what was taken from me; I still get angry and look for ways to forget and move on, but the wall is there, and I am slowly climbing to the top, one day I will be able to look down and say I made it and can see the other side. 

When it comes to DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) however, it becomes more challenging.  The little darlings who live inside my head enjoy the games they play with me, over the years I have come to know them, why they exist and how to handle them, for the most part, but they remain a part of me.  The obstacle with this illness is the fact that I am used to not having to face crisis or pain I find it difficult to let go of each personality because they have gotten me through so much, and I was never really given the opportunity to do it on my own, now I am trying to learn. 

Bipolar Disorder and Anxiety create a havoc that can last for days, weeks or even months at a time, each illness on it’s own has the ability to weaken the soul and fighting takes more energy than you think you have in you, but if you believe you are strong and have faith it is possible.  The trick to these two illnesses is learning the triggers or obstacles that get in way and cause the moods to change suddenly. 

 

Put it all together the hurdles seem endless, overwhelming and unobtainable.  I used to think that as well, but with each day I came closer to the answer, I find that one instance where a past trigger may have sent me into a tailspin and this time I simply blinked, and it was gone.  I smile and know that one more challenge has been met, now on to the next one. 

What are the obstacles in your life?  What makes you cringe when you are faced with what seems like an unobtainable hurdle?

The Number of PTSD Patients Continues to Increase

Image by soldiersmediacenter via Flickr

At an increasing rate, the number of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) patients is being tracked as the war in Iraq and Afghanistan continue.

As the war in Iraq enters its 5th year, the affects on the troops continue also. Along with the physical injuries, many also suffer from PTSD. The number of soldiers increased 46% last year, brining the total to 38,000 since the war began.

So, what is PTSD? Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is an illness that stems from the trauma of physical injury, as well as seeing other hurt or killed. The symptoms of PTSD can result in irritability and outbursts of anger and sleep difficulties, trouble concentrating, extreme vigilance and an exaggerated startle response. Often the the events are relived over and over again, resulting in horror and/or helplessness. While the war has brought PTSD into the spot light, the symptoms and realities of the illness are evident in abuse victims as well.

While many may consider it a simple case of bad memories, it can be debilitating and take away a life once known.

U.S. Military facilities statistics recorded 9,549 cases in 2006, jumped to 13,981 last year. The rise in numbers coincides with the increase in deployments, along with the tours of duty being extended from 12 months to 15 months.

The number of PTSD patients, when combined with all branches of the military the number sits at 38,186 between 1/1/03 and 12/31/07. This number includes 28.365 for the Army and 5,641 for the Marines. One reason for the jump in number is the growing awareness of the illness and making a greater effort to track and help those who have PTSD. In addition, as troops return to combat fro multiple tours of duty; the likelihood of them developing PTSD also increases.

In a step to further help for these veterans, the Pentagon is being pressured and rightly so, to enhance the current treatments for PTSD. For some returning troops, seeking treatment or help their PTSD is not an option, for fear of repercussions and how it will after their future military career.

Many will hide their fears and nightmares in order to keep their jobs. For this reason Defense Secretary has brought forth a change for the U.S. government clearance process that would allow these individuals to maintain their careers and clearances and receive the treatment needed to any illness.

I have touched on this topic previously here and here, and my comments remain the same. Though it is a terrible way to seek improvements to the mental healthy system, the war has unfortunately brought many illnesses to light and made them acceptable and real.

It is my hope that these changes and advances will remain even after all troops have returned home. These illness are often long term, a quick "cure" is not available.

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Free Mental Health Care Offered to Troops

Image via WikipediaAs more and more troops return home from war it is common knowledge that the VA hospitals are being overwhelmed with the need for mental health professionals to help those in the armed forces and the veterans who are facing depression, suicide ideations , and other life issues. To date, the Veteran's Administration reports 120,000 Iraq and Afghanistan bets with symptoms of mental health problems, nearly 1/2 with PTSD.

In an effort to help the 1,431 mental health professional that are available for the 1.4 millions active duty personnel, and the 20,000 full/part time professionals that work in the Veteran's Administration and pentagon, private counselors and psychiatrists are offering free services to troops returning from Iraq and Afghanistan.

Working with the American psychiatric foundation, "Give an Hour" a group of 1,200 mental health professionals are donating 1 hour of care a week to troops, veterans and/or family members. It is the hope that over the next 3 years 40,000 volunteers will join the cause.

While much concentration has been on staffing, there is one more issue that needed to be faced, changing the culture of military where seeking any type of help can hurt a career. The first step has been to make mental health care accessible, keeping workers with troops and helping troops to recognize mental problems in their comrades and themselves.

In addition, there is work being done to assess the mental health of troops - screening them before and after deployments, as well as putting mental health teams on the front lines to monitor morale and mental health issues. Just as important, programs are also being increased to aid families with housing concerns, and child care. When troops return home, the care continues as they are prepared to "return to everyday life."

All these things are great and are a huge step in not only helping our troops but bringing mental health issues to the forefront.

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