Don't let Mental Illness leave you grounded

Recently we took a trip back to the United States from Australia.  For those who have never done that sort of flight let’s just say it’s not for the faint of heart.  A rough total of 23 hours in the air and another 10+ hours in layovers take a lot out of you, not only physically but for those who live with mental illness, mentally as well. 

Preparation is the key to it all, making sure medications are packed and are taken as close to normal time as possible.  That is probably the easiest part, the rest can leave you feeling off, confused, tired, depressed, and manic and in some cases psychotic.  I know it does not seem like it’s worth it, but travelling is a chance to see the world and the sacrifices that are made are worth it if taken care of in the right way.  We were not made to stay in one place, there is so much to explore and experience that our mental health should not keep us from that.  However, having these illnesses can add an element of difficulty, especially when they involve long flights and most importantly a lack of preparation.

Sadly I fell into the latter category; I was ill prepared for the trip, mentally.  I had lists for what needed to be packed, papers printed for hotels, car rental, site seeing, flights and visas.  I had an itinerary planned and ready to go and waited impatiently for the day to come.  We even arrived at the airport 90 minutes before it opened.  

What I didn’t plan for, however, was my mental health. I knew in the back of my mind that it could become an issue, lack of sleep and a disruption of a regular routine has been known to cause me problems in the past.  I told myself that was in the past, I was smarter now and could handle this without a problem.  I knew jet lag would be an issue, but with a little sleep and some down time there would be no problems, turns out that I was only half right. 

Flying to U.S. was OK, jet lag was minimal – though I was tired – I felt good and we had a fantastic time visiting New York City.  I had never been to Central Park or Time Square so I felt like a little kid exploring for the first time.   We visited with friends, toured the battlefields of Gettysburg and did a little shopping.    All this made the fact that I was tired seem irrelevant, there was so much to see and do I was on top of the world.

When the time came to return back Australia, I hoped it be just as easy.  I would love to be able to say it happened that way, but after four days of being back home, I have not slept for more than 5 or 6 hours a night, I’m irritable, moody, depressed, hypo-manic and fear psychosis isn’t far behind.   The emotions of visiting my home left me with feelings of nostalgia and the emotions of coming to terms with who I am now.  I looked forward to returning to work when we returned, but since we live in a resort town winter is very slow and it is possible I will be out of work for the next 3 months.  Put all these things together and I am struggling to find my footing once again.  All the progress I made over the last year seems to have dissipated over the Pacific Ocean.  I am struggling to focus and return to a schedule and routine that I am familiar with and helps me be the person I want to be, the writer, photographer and person who loves life and battles the demons with strength and determination. 

I do not say these things to deter anyone from travelling, it is actually the opposite.  I want people to know that, yes travel can be a challenge if not handled correctly.  There is planning that needs to be done not only with what you will pack and things you will do, but also how you will handle jet lag or a disruption in your daily routine.  These two topics alone should be at the top of the list when preparing for a trip.  It is very easy for a slight relapse to make a huge difference not only in your holiday, but in the return home as well. 

Making the decision about psychiatric medications and treatments

There are times I wish there was one drug to work for everyone.  I went through years trying to find a combination that worked for me, to be stable (if that is possible), keep the psychosis and mania to a minimum and depression at bay.  Part of the issue I faced in the early years of my diagnosis was being in the military, I moved around a lot.  So, just when I found find a good doctor and felt comfortable with them, it would once again be time to move.  I got to the point where I didn't care much anymore, especially when it came to one of the last doctors I had.  He rarely listened to what I had to say, I was on two medications and I was having awful side effects, I begged him to change them.  He would sit behind his desk and fill out his insurance forms for the visit.  After a few visits and no help I did the only thing that sounded logical to me, I weaned myself off all medications.  I'd had enough.  

Fast forward to a year and I crashed, hard!  It was then I realized that I was not going to be able to do this alone, I had to be on medication in order at least keep some level to stability.  The journey would become harder than I thought, but after three psychiatrists and psychologists, I found not only a medical team I could trust, but also a medication combination that was helpful.  It was not an easy road however; it took several attempts to find out that my system rejected just about every new drug that had come on the market.  In addition, the Anti-Depressants I was taking were actually causing some of my mania.  With that off the list it came down to relying solely on mood-stabilizers, anti-psychotics and anxiety medication, but as we slowly ticked off the list of medications I could not take I became more discouraged.  The main hurdle we faced, in my eyes, was the extent of my diagnosis, Schizo-affective was simply the tip of the iceberg, it also included General Anxiety disorder, PTSD, and Dissociative Disorder.   Thankfully I had a doctor that would not give up.    

In the end we came up with a combination of Lamictal, Neurontin and Klonopin.  The first two keep me stable, for the most part (not drug is going to make this go away completely) and the later helps me not only sleep (my brain refuses to shut down, especially at night), but I can take it during the day if I am having an anxiety attack.  It is important to add that medication alone was not the answer, at least for me, and while we discussed medications he decided to approach the subject of ECT, (Electro-Convulsion therapy).  The idea more than scared me, but I was desperate and I trusted my doctor.  I checked into the hospital, was admitted to the psych ward and for the next 10 days had five treatments, and then I had three treatments as an outpatient.  The experience as not what I expected, my only side effect was bad dry mouth afterwards, and a headache.  

Now being the challenging patient that I am, and while the ECT worked to ease my depression, it brought on mania.  We didn't see it at first, it was subtle, but there was something going on.  12 months later I was back and had a second round after I hit bottom again after losing my cousin to suicide, his death destroyed me and sent me into a severe mixed episode.   Since the last sequence of treatments had help with the depression, this time my doctor knew we had to take a different approach.  It is most common to administer the treatment to one side of the brain; however, for me he decided he had to administer to both sides in order to balance out the depression and mania.  It was like my mind was fighting itself for control and he was making every effort to call a truce.  There was some success with the treatments and balance was restored, but there was a part of me that had hoped that it would make it all go away, I was growing more and more tired of it all. 

I began tracking my symptoms a few years ago; I watch how my mania, depression, anxiety, psychosis and sleep fluctuate from day to day. With the graph I can see what may have been going on that day to cause more a depressive state and what may have caused anxiety.  It’s not fool proof, but it can give a general overview of what may trigger some of the mood swings and then I can make any changes I may need to. 

In the end, yes the ECT did help and the medications continue to keep things in check - for the most part.  Over time I realized that we must live with these illnesses as they are, work with a good medical team, and have a strong support system.  Without all these pieces in place we run the risk of continuing to hide behind our mask and tell the world we are “OK,” when what we really need is help.  

Speaking Up About Mental Illness and The Advantages of Social Media

One of the most difficult things for those who live with a mental illness is sharing their diagnosis with others. There is an undeniable fear that comes with being open about how they feel and how they may be perceived if anyone found out they were “crazy.”

The uncertainty of how you will be received is real and it is not uncommon to go for years without telling anyone that you are struggling. With the popularity of social media, however, the ability to talk anonymously has made it easier to share and open up lines of communication, where in the past there seemed to be very few.

For years I struggled with whom to tell, who not to tell, what they would think if I did tell them; the conversations and scenarios played constantly through my mind.  It wasn’t until I started becoming more active in online forums, groups and talking with people on line that I realized there is a way to talk about mental health and not be judged.   Recently, I replied to a comment in a group on Facebook, the person had asked for advice on how to stay focused when you have Bipolar.  Within 20 minutes there were four other people, besides myself, who also had Bipolar offering suggestions and sharing our experiences.  With a simple question, those who would have otherwise stayed silent, spoke up and made themselves known, adding they were available to talk anytime.  Through this I now have a few more friends to talk to and share experiences, both good and bad. 

There are countless articles on the web that offer positives for those with mental illness to be on-line. 

According to www.mentalhelp.net, the connections we make online can reduce depression and anxiety, social media allows interaction with others without the stress of face-to-face interactions,   these interactions alone can often bring on anxiety.  In addition, Facebook has countless support groups for those struggling with illnesses and feel alone.   Personally, I have used them and they are especially helpful when you live in an area where there are no meetings available, or prefer to remain anonymous while remaining socially connected, without the stigma that is often attached to mental illness. 

www.paintedbrain.com, agree, saying that social media can be quite helpful when it comes to staying motivated to achieve healthy goals and receiving positive reinforcements from online support groups.  By having others help you stay accountable it can increase the chances of staying on track and reaching out when you need it most.  These individuals and groups can help take the loneliness out of mental illness.  

The examples could continue, but I think you have the idea of how of social media can, in many ways help in our struggle when we feel most alone.  Being able to reach out and not be faced with the stigma, in itself is one of the best reasons to speak up.    

A Lesson I Keep Having to Learn and Relearn

In a perfect world we act, sometimes wrong, and when we do we learn not to do that action again.  We move on with life not really thinking about it again, chalking it up to one of life’s learning moments.

There are times though when, for me, that doesn’t always work.  There is that intellectual part of my brain that tells me, “You shouldn’t do that, you know what is going to happen and it’s time to step back and think first.”  Then there is a other side of the brain, the one that thinks it knows better and can control  everything, that  tells me, ”Don’t worry, we got this.”

Seems complicated, doesn’t it, actually it’s quite simple and it is in that simplicity that I lose myself and my logical thinking.  With my mental health challenges I know that I need to take care of myself in every way possible, the right amount of sleep, eat right, exercise, take my medication, but most of all I need to listen to my body and what my mind is telling me.  This lesson is one that was brought to the forefront recently and set me back a bit.

Working a part time job four or five days a week is OK, the hours are good and I have plenty of down time and freedom to focus on what I need to do.  However, a couple weeks ago they became shorthanded at work and asked me to come in on my two days off.  Of course I jumped at the chance, two extra days of pay, how could I turn that down.  My mind right away went to how much I could make with the additional days, what we would be able to do with the extra money – that was the focus, the extra money.  I wasn’t thinking about the affect it was going to have on me both mentally and eventually physically as well.  My normal five days suddenly turned into 12 days, it wasn’t until day 8 that it hit me and I realized what I mistake I made!   I had gone against my better judgement. 

Eight days in I was physically exhausted, I still believed I could do it, finish the next four with no problem, I had blocked the tiredness out of my head – dissociated you could say and kept moving.   When I finished my assigned days, I had two days off and collapsed.  I enjoyed the days off and knew that after that I would be on again for five more days. 

That’s when it hit me, I woke up that morning for work and a weight was on my chest.  The world was coming at me from every direction, conversations I’d had recently had suddenly became scenarios in my head where I was wrong and would be chastised for, and no good to anyone.  I was in the midst of a major anxiety attack.   For the first time in many months I took my anxiety medicine and went to work, wanting nothing more than to just be alone and let this pass, and jump start my brain again.

As you can imagine this is not the first time I have done this, felt I could take on the world and have no repercussions, and sadly it probably won’t be the last.  Each time, however, I can only hope that I get a little stronger, a little smarter and maybe a little wiser and know that I need to listen to not only my body, but my mind.  In my case, my mind is what is most important, if that happens to short circuit, the whole wall will tumble down and it will often take days to try and build it back up to try again.

Oddly enough, yes, there is a positive side to this.  I am learning, slowly and with encouragement that I need to take better care of myself.  Look at the bigger picture, i.e. myself, not what a few extra days of work will do for the bank account, think of what it will do to me.  It’s not selfish, its self care and knowing what it will take to stay well and available for friends, family and life in general. 

Creative Outlets to Battle Depression

One of the greatest outlets I found in expressing what I was feeling, the good and bad, was expressing myself creatively.  While I was accustomed writing and had kept a journal for years, other creative outlets were also available.  I found there was more freedom and opportunities to express myself and create something that could be shared with others.  I’ve always been a creative person; books were my refuge growing up, and writing was my way of expressing myself and making sense of the thoughts that would lodge themselves in my mind. 

In time, I realized I could put the two together, adding words what I was seeing either through a drawing, or more often photography.  While I tried my hand at drawing, I knew rather quickly it was not my forte, a talent I was not given.  The camera, however, let me express myself, how I see the world and at the same time help me focus my energy on something positive. It intrigued me and became a passion. 

 

I could take my camera and see what I was missing, I mean really missing.  The sunrise, sunset, the way the water moved across the river or the waves crashed onto the beach during a storm.  Each picture told a story, held an image that could explain a feeling, a thought, a memory, hope and promise of a new tomorrow. 

There are many mornings when the last thing I want to do was get out of bed, but I get up, grab my camera and I'm out the door.  Often I merely throw on a pair of sweat pants and a sweatshirt, glamorous I know, but I say this to show that it’s not easy; I would be horrified for someone to see me.  However, as the sun would rise, I began to shoot, moving from one spot to another to catch the reflection of the sky on the water, or the seagulls taking flight against the sunrise.  I would stand in one spot for 10 minutes or more waiting for the waves to crash on the rocks in just the right way.  Excitement was suddenly driving me to find something that no one had seen before.

Once I returned home, I would put the memory card in my computer and find I took 200 or more photos.  Then the real fun began – looking at each one hoping I could achieve what I had set out to do.  The pictures would give me a sense of purpose.

Some may say I am still hiding, using my writing and photography as a cover, but what I see is a way to bring joy to others, along with showing that sometimes even on the darkest days, pen and paper, or a camera could be just what the doctor ordered.

With some apprehension, I have begun to my photos on social media (www.instagram.com/minds.eye.photo) and have been surprised by the response.  What began as a way to clear my mind and battle my depression, is becoming a business and one I hope to be able to use to show, not only those with mental illness, but everyone, that there is hope and that there are many positive ways to combat the demons we face and see the beauty in life.  Let's be honest, whether you have an illness or not, there are days when you may find yourself depressed and frustrated, we are all the same. 

I don’t claim to have all the answers, I know what has helped for me, and I hope it can work for others.  It is not fool proof, yes there are days when it gets the best of me, and I may not move from the couch, but I also know that there is hope, and it is possible to beat what takes away our lives.

D is for the Many Faces of Depression

We all feel it at one time or another, the feeling of sadness and hopelessness; to a point it’s normal phase of life.  Different situations affect us and we go through a period of time where it seems nothing can go right.  For some,  however, that feeling doesn’t go away, lingering for days and weeks at a time and interfering with everyday life.  The most important aspect of depression is for those who live with the illness and more so for those who do not  is to know that it is not a sign of weakness or being negative, it is a legitimate health issue and treatable with medication, talk therapy, and lifestyle changes.   

Depression is not as clear cut as many may think there are many faces to depression and I want to touch on a few of them here.  The diagnosis of the type of depression is critical is finding the right type of treatment.    

Major Depression is the illness that is most commonly heard of.  It is characterized by a loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities, loss of weight, or weight gain, a feeling of being sleepy most of the time, a feeling of worthlessness, trouble concentrating and thought of suicide.  Five of more of these symptoms must be present for at least two week for a diagnosis of Major Depression.  Once you have a diagnosis, your doctor can then begin to work with you on the best way to treat your illness. 

Persistent Depressive Disorder:  This type of depression follows the same pattern of Major Depression, however, the symptoms must be present for at least two year.  This would be considered Persistent Depression and is treated with medication and therapy. 

Bipolar Disorder:  While it mimics the symptoms of depression, there are also periods of extreme highs, called manic episodes.  The most important thing here is to use medication to stabilize the moods swings, these are called mood stabilizers.  Anti-depressant is not commonly use with Bipolar Disorder because they tend to increase the chance of a manic episode.  

Seasonal Affective Disorder:  This is most common during the winter months when there is less sunlight and the days are shorter.  Major depression occurs during this time and is treated with anti-depressants and light therapy.  Light therapy is most common and requires the person to sit in front of a natural light box for 15 to 30 minutes a day.  

Psychotic Depression:  This is a diagnosis of major depression which includes with it symptoms of psychosis, including hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia.  Anti-Depressants and Anti-psychotic drugs are used to treat this type of depression. 

PostPartum Depression:  This has also been known as the “baby blues,” and occurs in the weeks and months after the birth of a child.  Anti-depressants and therapy are known to help with this illness.  

Situational Depression:  While there is not a technical term for this type of depression, but it hits all of us at one time or another when a stressful event occurs in life.  The death of a loved one, the loss of a job, divorce or any occurrence that makes you feel unsure of yourself and the world around you.  Therapy is the most common treatment for this type of depression

As you can the illness of depression is not cut and dry, one size fits all type of illness.  There are many facets and anyone can fall under one or more diagnosis.  The more we talk about depression and mental illness the more we can come to understand that it is a medical condition and that 1 in 4 people live some sort of mental illness, most often you do not know who it is.  

“Z” is for Zero Symptoms #atozblogchallenge

“If a person doesn’t achieve zero symptoms, they haven’t failed, but if they are never given the opportunity to achieve that goal, the system has failed them.”    Allen Doederlein, DBSA President

 

What is the first thing you strive for when you have a cold, no symptoms, the ability to breathe again, no coughing or fever?  A cancer patient has a goal of no cancerous cells, remission.  There is a new movement for those who live with mental illness that tackles this topic, the goal for total remission, the ability to live with no symptoms. 

Target Zero to Thrive was a month-long  campaign in April to bring mental health professionals, researchers and those who live with a mental illness to work toward a goal of zero symptoms, and not settle for just feeling better.  That has been the goal in the past, to simple control symptoms and hope they do not come back.  We followed this protocol because that is the way it has always been done, but no more.  There is a better life out there, and it is time we found it. 

Some will look at this and think that maintaining stability is the same thing; however, it may only bring temporary relief  that is often fleeting, and the symptoms persist but to a lesser degree.  The true goal here is to eliminate the symptoms all together and allow each person the ability to thrive in their lives and not worry about when their illness returns.   Without the opportunity to achieve the goal of zero, the system has not done all it can to help.  Why should we settle for just good enough, when there is so much more to strive for?  

I have lived with mental illness for nearly 20 years in that amount of time I have seen many doctors and there has never been a real interest in finding a way to control how I feel daily;  it has always been a matter of what medication will make you feel better for the longest period of time, or at least until I saw  them again.  This new idea of working toward total remission is a welcome change in the way of thinking, hope in a sea of medications and doctor visits with nothing to show for it but bills and continued depression, mania and psychosis.

May has been dubbed Mental Health Awareness Month, I hope throughout the next 31 days people are made aware of what we live with and what can be done to help make each day better than the one before.  The media portrays mental illness in one way,  let’s change their perception. 

Lessons in Art Therapy

It has been more than a year since I posted to this blog, my illness decided it was time to shake me up a bit and stop being so complacent about my treatment and how I dealt with my mood swings and medication.  It has taken a little more than a year to get myself back to where I am able to live again, but it has been a bumpy ride and one I am ready to share and hope that others can relate to and find hope in.

Lessons in Art Therapy

I had to keep the knot in the wood open and exposed; every part of me wanted to cover it up and hide it.  That flaw reflected every part of me and why I was there, covering it up would make it go away, at least that was my theory.  However, she was watching me closely, with each piece of tissue paper I placed on the block she made sure I was following her directions.

What was so difficult about putting paper on a block of wood and leaving one spot uncovered?

The closer I came to finish my project the more anxious I became, the more aware of the knot and the way it stood out.  Everyone could see the beautiful colors that were blending together; it was a work of art, but turn it over, and there it was – my illness staring them in the face.  That’s when it hit me, by leaving that small piece exposed I was allowing the world to see my secret, I was granting them permission into my very private battle, and it was not OK.

The media had already painted a picture of who I was, supposedly, and I did not believe I had the strength to change their minds.  The piece of wood sat on my desk for a few weeks reminding me of what everyone would no know, but each I looked at it became more and more clear to me that what I was hiding was ME! 

Mental illness has always been the illness no one talks about, the one that is skirted around and whispered in the darkness.  Admittance all too often brings loneliness, loss of a job, friends and freedom to be who you truly are.  THAT is what I learned, I could no longer hide behind the façade, I had to live.  The media has the power to convince people that something is very bad, but it also has the power to change people’s minds about at topic and with the piece of wood on my desk, I decided it was time to stop hiding, to stop running and start fighting back.  I realized that more often than not unless you tell someone they may not know that you have a mental illness, and you are hiding for nothing; they already accept you and if they are a true friend, they will continue to see who you really are even after the reveal.

It is my hope now that I am able to help others see that the knot they are hiding is not something to be ashamed of, but something to embrace.  These illnesses are not easy; they take our life to places we would rather not go, but together we can fight and each day is another opportunity to show the world that mental illness is not a bad word, is not scary, and we are not monsters.