The Person that changed my approach to mental illness

                                                                               

The person that changed my approach to mental illness was my dad, but not in a way you may think.

In 1996, just shy of my 30^th birthday I was hospitalized for the first time and officially diagnosed with Schizo-Affective Disorder.   (This illness was passed genetically to me from my father who lived with Paranoid Schizophrenia.   Schizo-Affective in essence is a combination of Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia)   I finally had an answer to what had been happening to me mentally, physically, not to mention the effects it had on those I loved.  I knew what I had to do to help myself, take my medication, visit the psychologist and take care of myself physically.  This was not going to go away over night, or with the magic of a pill.  It was long term and I had to face it. 

Like most people, however, I am stubborn and believed I knew better than the doctors, I could do this on my own.  I didn’t want medication or help from them, I knew what was wrong and could get myself through it, and after all I’d made it this far, right? 

My theory seemed to be working until one early April morning in 1999; I received a phone call that my dad had passed away.  While his death was heartbreaking, knowing how and why he died threw me into my own reality and made me see who I didn’t want to become.

My dad lived for more than 30 years in a world of his own.  He rejected treatments, doctors and hospitals; he was a wanderer, always searching for what was in his heart or an idea he was chasing.  I consider that a part of who he was, as a Native American his spirit called to him and he followed, it was the  part of himself that he could control and enjoy, the one part that was not taken away from him by illness.   Videos were found after his death that he had made; snippets of himself trying to explain away the voices and confusion in his head,  we could see that while the intelligent and talent man we knew was talking, his mind was not his own.

That moment, those images, rocked me to my core, he was not able to help himself when he needed it most.  The illness that took over his mind was too powerful for him to control and without help from a doctor; he could not put the voices and images to rest. 

I realized that what I had been doing was no different from what my dad had done, ignoring the doctors, and believing I was better on my own, that the voices and images were nothing to worry about. I came to realize that yeah, they were something to worry about and if I didn’t start listening and taking care of myself, I too would become a statistic – as statistic like my dad. 

I tell people that he gave life to me twice, he is my father, but in his death he saved me from falling down the same path he did.  I’m not saying it’s been easy, I have been hospitalized a few times over the years and at times still buck the system, but what has kept me going is knowing that I am stronger with each day and I believe he is with me, watching to make sure I stay on track and live my life, a life that was cut short for him.   

His Native American spirit is in me as well, I too am a wanderer and find the greatest joy and peace when I am hiking or taking photographs, it is then that the voices settle, the mind focuses and just for a moment, I am free!

I live now for both of us.  

Are you too intelligent to be Mentally Ill?

This is a common problem for many people, the outside world, as it can be referred to, feels that if you are intelligent or creative, then you can’t be mentally ill.  The stigma is that those who are mentally ill commit crimes and cause trouble. 

If you look down through history some of the greatest minds have been or are mentally ill.  Famous authors, musician, painters, doctors, etc.  It seems that the creative mind feeds off its self.  These disorders fuel the brain, whether it is depression, mania, hallucinations or anxiety, each plays a part in shaping who we are and bringing our gifts to light.  Recently Carrie Fisher passed away, a great voice for bringing Mental Illness to light.  She had an amazing gift and used it to bring joy to others through her movies and understanding through her work to fight the stigma of these illnesses. 

I wish I could explain how it all works, but the one thing I can agree with, is what Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys spoke of in a 2002 interview. *In 2002, he spoke of how the disorder affects his creativity, explaining: "I haven't been able to write anything for three years. I think I need the demons in order to write, but the demons have gone. It bothers me a lot. I've tried and tried, but I just can't seem to find a melody.*  There is a lot of truth in what he says, our brains are meant to work a certain way for us and to change that, changes who we are.   

I’ve been hospitalized a few times and what I learned there or was told was that I was too intelligent!  I was to analytical! I became friends with the art therapist, she would push me to do things differently, to not analyze, to do something that I haven’t done before.  It was a great challenge for me because it’s not who I am.  It is a quandary we often find ourselves in and not one that we can answer or control.   

While I will admit it is a nuisance at times, it helps me to be the best I can be at my craft – writing and photography.  I believe it is the complexity of my brain that allows me to do these things, to craft stories, to see things in nature that others may not see and share that through my photography.  Would I want it to be different? That’s actually a hard question to answer, while yes to be without my illness would be great, no more medications, doctor visits, no mood swings and all the things that go along with it, however, I wouldn’t be ME.  I curse this illness most days, but it is because of it that I am able to do what I do.  My brain, while many would see it as not working correctly, I feel works just fine.  Yes, I have challenges, but doesn’t everyone? 

The thing is, beyond all the talk, stigma and misunderstanding,  there is the knowledge that we are gifted because we are fighting harder than we ever thought we would be able to and that in itself is worth bragging about.   So, be creative, be loud, be funny and let the world know that this is what Mental Illness looks like. 

Taking the Positive Road to Wellness

The biggest obstacle when it comes to mental illness is often times staying positive.  How can you be positive when each day seems  like an uphill battle instead  of a pleasant experience?  The answer may not be easy, but it is possible

20 years ago when I received my diagnosis, I believed I could handle it. How ever, it took many years to be at a place where I could understand what the doctor's told me.  I'll be honest I still don't always listen, but I have a better understanding of what I need to do and how to stay well. 

The same mind that turned on me is the one that helps to keep me on the path to wellness.   Staying positive despite the symptoms that come with mental illness  but it is possible.  

1.  Surround yourself with people who are willing to listen to you, stand by you and lift up when you are down.  Hearing their positive words are difficult at times, but it's just what we need.  Don't push them away, no matter how much you want to, they are the ones who care and in time their words will make sense. 
2. Make time for yourself.  This one is  hard, as often we feel alone and the last thing we want is to be alone on purpose, but this is different.  Taking time for yourself, is doing what you want for yourself.  Forget about the world for awhile, find what makes you happy or what used to and do it.  You may have to push yourself at first, or even the first five times, but keep going.  The feeling of worth will come and boost your mood and confidence. 
3. Write! I can not express this one enough.  You do not need to be a famous novelist, or perfect with your handwriting and language, this is only for you.  Putting your thoughts on paper, helps clear your brain of all that clutters it up and brings us down. If you fear someone reading what you write, use a computer program that requires a password.  It is OK to be selfish at times. 
4. Get outside.  Yes, another big step!  Nature is one of the best anti-depressants there is.  In our 24/7 world, we do not get outside enough.  The demands of our lives, families and work take us away from what we need most.  Going for a walk a couple times a week will help you relax and clear your mind.  I used to walk quite often and looked forward to the freedom, but life took over and I stopped.  I saw the difference.  I am back now to hiking and the peace that comes with it is welcome. 
5. Go easy on yourself.   Easier said that done, I know.  We blame ourselves for this illness we live with, but it's not our fault. We didn't wish this on ourselves, like any illness some get it, some don't.  Society does not make it easy, the stigma keeps us quiet and hidden, it's not our fault.  Don't let their words take hold.  
6. Smile!  Even when you seem to have forgotten how to, smile.  It may feel fake, but do it everyday.
7. To me, the most important of all - Music!  Put on your headphones or turn up the radio and play your favorite songs and lose yourself in the melody, the lyrics.  Music has a power like no other, use it!

By taking care of ourselves  we have a much better chance of a positive life and once we have that, the sky is the limit.

N - is for Natural Remedies

For years medication was known as the best way to treat mental illness, along with therapy and hospitalization.  A change is happening, however, to a more holistic way of treating these illnesses.  There are reasons people step back from traditional medications, side effects top the list, with many people feeling they are simply taking too many medications and what they can to do to our bodies.  In many cases, the drugs cause irritating side effects, which in turn is treated with more medication to alleviate the symptoms. 

The search for different treatments has been my goal in recent years, with my own mental illness; I have been on too many medications to mention and often they came with debilitating side effects so I would not be able to take them, this lead me on a journey to find another way.  i still take a couple medications and they do help, but there are ways to treat these illnesses without making weekly trips to the pharmacy. 

One of the best I have found is simply being out side in the fresh air and sunshine.  A short 15 minute walk can change your outlook on the day or situations that are ruminating in your mind.  I have discovered over time that when I am not able to be outside my moods tend to cycle more and I become moody.  I am a simple person, I enjoy the woods most of all, surrounding myself with the sounds of birds chirping and trees rustling around me.  During a hike the distractions are only a memory and my mind will once again focus on serenity and peacefulness of what is around me.  In addition, we receive Vitamin D from the sun which is also known to help the mind. 

in addition to spending time outside there are other medical treatments that do not include medication.  ECT (electric Convulsive Therapy) or TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) are common ways to treating mental illness.  ECT has received a bad rap over the years after movies and the media have shown it as barbaric, when it is a simple procedure today lasting no more than a few minutes while the patient in under anesthesia.  TMS uses a simple MRI type machine that stimulates the brain with magnetic pulses. 

I think one of the best treatments, next to be outside is journaling.  Writing down feelings and thoughts keeps them from ruminating and clears the mind of disturbing thoughts and ideas. 

There are many other treatments including vitamins and supplements to help stave off the symptoms of many illnesses.  The trick is to find the one that works best for you and you alone.  

After the April Blog challenge #atozblogchallenge

April brought the opportunity to let my voice be heard in the area of mental health, the struggles, misconceptions, treatments and simple thoughts of my own.  I struggled through some of it; the challenge was trying to find things that began with each letter, but in the end, it came together.   I did take a small break after the challenge to recharge my battery, so to speak and decide where to go from here.  What I learned during the month of April though was this……………. 

Mental Health Stigma will always be with us, as people, we fear what we do not know and cannot understand.  The easiest thing to do is walk away and whisper to others what we fear the most about the illnesses.  As one who lives with Mental illness, it is a heartbreaking thing to see, I speak for everyone; I believe, when I say we are just like everyone else; you would be surprised to know the truth about these illnesses and what they do and don’t do a person. 

For some of this, I blame the media; they are first to mention mental illness as the cause for any act of violence that occurs, when it most likely had nothing to do with the event, but it is the perfect scapegoat for what was done, after all. How could anyone really cause such pain to others?  It is for this reason that I rarely watch the news anymore; it makes me angry on so many levels. 

Now that I have put it out there about my illness, it is time be more open and share the ups and downs, the struggles and triumphs of my battle in the hopes it will help others know they are no longer alone in this world, and you do not have to hide.  

I am interested in what you think about the issue of stigma and mental health and if there are certain topics you would like to see covered here.  

“Z” is for Zero Symptoms #atozblogchallenge

“If a person doesn’t achieve zero symptoms, they haven’t failed, but if they are never given the opportunity to achieve that goal, the system has failed them.”    Allen Doederlein, DBSA President

 

What is the first thing you strive for when you have a cold, no symptoms, the ability to breathe again, no coughing or fever?  A cancer patient has a goal of no cancerous cells, remission.  There is a new movement for those who live with mental illness that tackles this topic, the goal for total remission, the ability to live with no symptoms. 

Target Zero to Thrive was a month-long  campaign in April to bring mental health professionals, researchers and those who live with a mental illness to work toward a goal of zero symptoms, and not settle for just feeling better.  That has been the goal in the past, to simple control symptoms and hope they do not come back.  We followed this protocol because that is the way it has always been done, but no more.  There is a better life out there, and it is time we found it. 

Some will look at this and think that maintaining stability is the same thing; however, it may only bring temporary relief  that is often fleeting, and the symptoms persist but to a lesser degree.  The true goal here is to eliminate the symptoms all together and allow each person the ability to thrive in their lives and not worry about when their illness returns.   Without the opportunity to achieve the goal of zero, the system has not done all it can to help.  Why should we settle for just good enough, when there is so much more to strive for?  

I have lived with mental illness for nearly 20 years in that amount of time I have seen many doctors and there has never been a real interest in finding a way to control how I feel daily;  it has always been a matter of what medication will make you feel better for the longest period of time, or at least until I saw  them again.  This new idea of working toward total remission is a welcome change in the way of thinking, hope in a sea of medications and doctor visits with nothing to show for it but bills and continued depression, mania and psychosis.

May has been dubbed Mental Health Awareness Month, I hope throughout the next 31 days people are made aware of what we live with and what can be done to help make each day better than the one before.  The media portrays mental illness in one way,  let’s change their perception. 

“M” is for Manic Depression #atozchallenge

Manic Depression, the story of my life in two simple words, they are polar opposites yet co-exist together making one hell of a mess and leaving mayhem in its wake.  It is hard to explain to anyone the extent of which this illness reaches, but I will do my best to tell you, from my experience.

 

It was three months before my 30^th birthday when I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (Manic Depression), at first it merely explained why I was acting the way I was.  One minute I was ready to jump off the bridge and the next I was cleaning the house from top to bottom in two hours.  There was no middle ground, and I had no idea, which part of me was going to show up when, I was lost and confused.  After three weeks in the hospital, I was sent home with medication and a therapist, but nothing to prepare me for what was to come, the new life I was about to face  how to deal with it.  

To explain the brain of a Manic Depressive is difficult, I struggle to find the right words to come close to an analogy, but what comes to mind is a train.  Imagine a train going 60 miles per hour down the tracks and suddenly slam on the brakes hitting a brick wall, everything stops and the wall crumbles to the ground.  Somehow, the engine of the train is still running, though everything is in a heap on the ground incapable of moving.  This is the feeling we get, a body unable to move and a mind that does not have the ability to stop and wants to keep moving.  The combination does not work well, and it takes time, far too much time, to figure out the correct way to deal with it.  

 Medication is a tricky business with this illness, to find the right combination is a game of chance and delicate adjustment.   We begin with a mood stabilizer, with any luck this will keep the brain pretty balanced; then we add the anti-depressant, and this is where it gets difficult.  The anti-depressant should, while working with the mood-stabilizer keep things stable, but for some, the anti-depressant if not given at the right dosage will bring on a manic episode.  Are you confused yet, yeah, me too. 

Therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists, these people are an interesting breed, for lack of a better word.  I have had the worse and the best; I am currently in the best category after many years of searching and becoming frustrated.  Without my current doctor’s I would not be where I am now.  That said, I have seen some who are merely interested in their insurance money, there were one or two who I felt more like I was their therapist and then, my favorite by far, was the one who lectured me that if I just changed my way of thinking, everything would be perfect.  

The most important thing that I have learned over my 18 year journey with Bipolar Disorder is no matter what medication you take or don’t take, whether you spend time in the hospital and have the best doctors around, what we really need is people.  Without family and friends who care and will be there when the days get hard, and we make stupid mistakes we have nothing.  The stigma that surrounds any mental illness is what strengthens the silence of those who live with it and keeps those we need the most away from us.