Light versus Dark in Mental Illness

As I sit on the rocks overlooking the sea everything seems possible.  Such beauty in the water, calm and serene one moment, crashing ashore the next with all its power.  Clouds come from every direction.  The dark and the light meeting in the middle, vying for control bringing out the beauty in each other.

I have learned that each side tells a story.  One that I need to listen to, to understand the illness I live with and must face each day.

The darkness whispers in my ear, “I am too strong for you, I cannot be beaten.”  In that moment I believe, faith in myself falls to the wayside and I wonder if I will ever be “normal,” again.   My anxiety increases as I look the cloud in the eye, I know it is right I am not strong enough for this.  Sadness overtakes me and I slide down the wall, sit on the floor and wonder how I got here.

Just when I am ready to give up the sun speaks up, “Are you going to let the dark control you? Are you not going to fight?”  I look up, the brightness makes me smile, yet I am skeptical.  Can it be that simple?  Walking outside I feel the warmth on my face and the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks.  I start to remember how far I’ve come, and what I have done to fight this battle and survive.

The sun smiles and the cloud rumbles in defeat.  I look at them knowing they will always have a place inside me; they will battle each other again and again.  That I cannot deny.  While each believes in their power, I have to know who I am and what I can do when the dark cloud stops by to talk for a while. I cannot give into his lies and defeating attitude.  The sun shines on my face, my guide to battle the darkness, bringing me to the place I need to be.  The healthy, confident person I have worked for and to be an advocate for others.  

Make 2012 the beginning of your life, not the end of the world

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Coming to a realization is freeing and brings a sense of life back into your soul.  That is what a walk in the park does for me and what I have missed for so long.  I feel I lost a year trying to figure out who I was and the best path for me.  I tried to be what everyone else wanted, to close off my feelings, to stop living, to stop dreaming and believing in all that is possible in this world.

 Standing up for oneself is often one of the most difficult things to do, and for some reason, we fight it tooth and nail, for fear that we will be seen as arrogant or self-centered.  When we are actually taking care of ourselves like no one else ever could or will.   

 We are a society that depends on what others tell us and believe about us.  We want acceptance and to know that others approve of what we are doing no matter how much it hurts us or tears us down.  What would happen if we truly believed in ourselves, in what we were capable of and in what we believed about ourselves, deep down, in that place no one ever sees?  We would be a greater society because we would be honest and lives in the greatest sense of the world.

 Alive is my word for the new year, alive in my ideas, my beliefs, my dreams and above all in my life.  Being alive, truly alive is something we don't think about, we are focused all too often on surviving, existing, everything but living.   need to live to truly be who we are if no we are merely a shell, arobot created for work to accomplish someone else's goals. Breaking out of the shell lets the life breath into our soul, rejuvenating us and opening our eyes to a new world of hope, promise and wonder. Start 2012 with a promise to be Alive!