Creative Outlets to Battle Depression

One of the greatest outlets I found in expressing what I was feeling, the good and bad, was expressing myself creatively.  While I was accustomed writing and had kept a journal for years, other creative outlets were also available.  I found there was more freedom and opportunities to express myself and create something that could be shared with others.  I’ve always been a creative person; books were my refuge growing up, and writing was my way of expressing myself and making sense of the thoughts that would lodge themselves in my mind. 

In time, I realized I could put the two together, adding words what I was seeing either through a drawing, or more often photography.  While I tried my hand at drawing, I knew rather quickly it was not my forte, a talent I was not given.  The camera, however, let me express myself, how I see the world and at the same time help me focus my energy on something positive. It intrigued me and became a passion. 

 

I could take my camera and see what I was missing, I mean really missing.  The sunrise, sunset, the way the water moved across the river or the waves crashed onto the beach during a storm.  Each picture told a story, held an image that could explain a feeling, a thought, a memory, hope and promise of a new tomorrow. 

There are many mornings when the last thing I want to do was get out of bed, but I get up, grab my camera and I'm out the door.  Often I merely throw on a pair of sweat pants and a sweatshirt, glamorous I know, but I say this to show that it’s not easy; I would be horrified for someone to see me.  However, as the sun would rise, I began to shoot, moving from one spot to another to catch the reflection of the sky on the water, or the seagulls taking flight against the sunrise.  I would stand in one spot for 10 minutes or more waiting for the waves to crash on the rocks in just the right way.  Excitement was suddenly driving me to find something that no one had seen before.

Once I returned home, I would put the memory card in my computer and find I took 200 or more photos.  Then the real fun began – looking at each one hoping I could achieve what I had set out to do.  The pictures would give me a sense of purpose.

Some may say I am still hiding, using my writing and photography as a cover, but what I see is a way to bring joy to others, along with showing that sometimes even on the darkest days, pen and paper, or a camera could be just what the doctor ordered.

With some apprehension, I have begun to my photos on social media (www.instagram.com/minds.eye.photo) and have been surprised by the response.  What began as a way to clear my mind and battle my depression, is becoming a business and one I hope to be able to use to show, not only those with mental illness, but everyone, that there is hope and that there are many positive ways to combat the demons we face and see the beauty in life.  Let's be honest, whether you have an illness or not, there are days when you may find yourself depressed and frustrated, we are all the same. 

I don’t claim to have all the answers, I know what has helped for me, and I hope it can work for others.  It is not fool proof, yes there are days when it gets the best of me, and I may not move from the couch, but I also know that there is hope, and it is possible to beat what takes away our lives.

Light versus Dark in Mental Illness

As I sit on the rocks overlooking the sea everything seems possible.  Such beauty in the water, calm and serene one moment, crashing ashore the next with all its power.  Clouds come from every direction.  The dark and the light meeting in the middle, vying for control bringing out the beauty in each other.

I have learned that each side tells a story.  One that I need to listen to, to understand the illness I live with and must face each day.

The darkness whispers in my ear, “I am too strong for you, I cannot be beaten.”  In that moment I believe, faith in myself falls to the wayside and I wonder if I will ever be “normal,” again.   My anxiety increases as I look the cloud in the eye, I know it is right I am not strong enough for this.  Sadness overtakes me and I slide down the wall, sit on the floor and wonder how I got here.

Just when I am ready to give up the sun speaks up, “Are you going to let the dark control you? Are you not going to fight?”  I look up, the brightness makes me smile, yet I am skeptical.  Can it be that simple?  Walking outside I feel the warmth on my face and the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks.  I start to remember how far I’ve come, and what I have done to fight this battle and survive.

The sun smiles and the cloud rumbles in defeat.  I look at them knowing they will always have a place inside me; they will battle each other again and again.  That I cannot deny.  While each believes in their power, I have to know who I am and what I can do when the dark cloud stops by to talk for a while. I cannot give into his lies and defeating attitude.  The sun shines on my face, my guide to battle the darkness, bringing me to the place I need to be.  The healthy, confident person I have worked for and to be an advocate for others.  

Taking the Positive Road to Wellness

The biggest obstacle when it comes to mental illness is often times staying positive.  How can you be positive when each day seems  like an uphill battle instead  of a pleasant experience?  The answer may not be easy, but it is possible

20 years ago when I received my diagnosis, I believed I could handle it. How ever, it took many years to be at a place where I could understand what the doctor's told me.  I'll be honest I still don't always listen, but I have a better understanding of what I need to do and how to stay well. 

The same mind that turned on me is the one that helps to keep me on the path to wellness.   Staying positive despite the symptoms that come with mental illness  but it is possible.  

1.  Surround yourself with people who are willing to listen to you, stand by you and lift up when you are down.  Hearing their positive words are difficult at times, but it's just what we need.  Don't push them away, no matter how much you want to, they are the ones who care and in time their words will make sense. 
2. Make time for yourself.  This one is  hard, as often we feel alone and the last thing we want is to be alone on purpose, but this is different.  Taking time for yourself, is doing what you want for yourself.  Forget about the world for awhile, find what makes you happy or what used to and do it.  You may have to push yourself at first, or even the first five times, but keep going.  The feeling of worth will come and boost your mood and confidence. 
3. Write! I can not express this one enough.  You do not need to be a famous novelist, or perfect with your handwriting and language, this is only for you.  Putting your thoughts on paper, helps clear your brain of all that clutters it up and brings us down. If you fear someone reading what you write, use a computer program that requires a password.  It is OK to be selfish at times. 
4. Get outside.  Yes, another big step!  Nature is one of the best anti-depressants there is.  In our 24/7 world, we do not get outside enough.  The demands of our lives, families and work take us away from what we need most.  Going for a walk a couple times a week will help you relax and clear your mind.  I used to walk quite often and looked forward to the freedom, but life took over and I stopped.  I saw the difference.  I am back now to hiking and the peace that comes with it is welcome. 
5. Go easy on yourself.   Easier said that done, I know.  We blame ourselves for this illness we live with, but it's not our fault. We didn't wish this on ourselves, like any illness some get it, some don't.  Society does not make it easy, the stigma keeps us quiet and hidden, it's not our fault.  Don't let their words take hold.  
6. Smile!  Even when you seem to have forgotten how to, smile.  It may feel fake, but do it everyday.
7. To me, the most important of all - Music!  Put on your headphones or turn up the radio and play your favorite songs and lose yourself in the melody, the lyrics.  Music has a power like no other, use it!

By taking care of ourselves  we have a much better chance of a positive life and once we have that, the sky is the limit.

Mental Health and Positivty - A New Beginning

There are plenty of mental health blogs, most focusing on what can go wrong and how to fix it.  Why not focus on the positive side of the illness?  I've decided to take a different approach in how I look at not only my mental illness, but what I write about as well.  We need to see the best thing when seeking stability and a way to handle most illnesses is to focus on positivity.

 I received the diagnoses of  Bipolar Disorder with psychotic features, Anxiety and PTSD.  In the past 20 years I've tried endless medications, treatments, seen therapists and hospitalizations.  While the doctors mean well and are good at what they do, we are responsible for our health and treatment. 

Yes, I take my medication, I won’t stop that because it helps keep me stable, but I know that is not the total answer.  It is time for a new focus and a more positive way of looking at this illness many feel will take away our life.  It won’t, often it will give you more than you ever imagined.   

When the focus is on the positive and we discover our talents, our life becomes one of joy and stability. I hope you will join me on this journey of discovery and wellness.  

“H” is for Healthcare, Hope and Happiness #atozchallenge

I combine these three in this way; I have hope for happiness with the right healthcare; it is and has been, however, easier said than done.  One of the greatest challenges those with a mental illness face are healthcare.   It is unfortunately difficult to find a psychiatrist at times, a specialty the medical field that few seem to gravitate to.  If a good doctor is found the next obstacle is insurance, there is a major problem when it comes to insurance and their willingness to pay for mental health care, leaving the person to pay out of pocket.  This is one of the people do not go for care; they can’t afford it and insurance companies won’t pay for it.  An article in February of this year talks about mental health care and the Affordable Care Act,  while insurance companies will now be required to fund care, finding doctors to the take the insurance may be another battle, due to the shortage of doctor's and the overload of patients who will seek care.  

It amazes me that one of the first things to be cut from a budget is psychiatric care, clinics and hospitals. It is sad to know that those who are mentally ill are neglected in the healthcare area, when they need it the most.  A article from October 2013, talks of  President John Kennedy’s vision for mental health care and that, “Fifty years later, our biggest providers of mental health care in the U.S.A. are not hospitals or community mental health centers at all… but prisons.”  His vision was never realized, and today we find more and more people in jail rather than receiving the treatment they need.  While incarcerated they are still not given the help they need further complicating the person's illness. 

There are countless articles and news reports on the lack of funding and doctor’s available to treat those with psychiatric illnesses, but they are not usually brought to the forefront until something goes wrong, such as a school shooting.  It is only then that it is addressed, and the questions come as to why it continues to be allowed.  Mental illness is no different than cancer, or diabetes, but is looked at as something to be swept under the rug and not talked of – something that has not changed over the years. 

The sad thing is so many people could be helped, and maybe many disasters avoided if only we listened.   In some cases, these acts are being carried out as a cry for help, not to hurt people but so someone will notice, and they can get help.  If you ask someone with a mental illness if they have ever attempted suicide for attention, you will find that the answer very well will be yes, it’s a cry for help in a world that just does not want to listen.  

The conversation and finger pointing will go on for years to come, I am afraid, but it is a reality we must face.  It is why I decided to go public with my own struggles with mental health and what I have gone through not only personally but also concerning health care.  While I have insurance that does cover it, my co-pay for my doctor visits is higher and the number of specialists to choose from is very low, so even though I am covered there is still a problem.  This cannot  continue if we plan to help those who need it most. 

Supporting Mental Health Advocacy

What a way to start this new challenge than with what is closest to me right now, Mental Health Advocacy, more importantly eliminating the stigma that comes with the diagnosis.  I think often that most people would be surprised to know how many people they interact with daily are diagnosed with some type of mental illness. 

Watch the news on any given day and there is sure to be an act of violence, neglect, or public incident that will be immediately be related to the person’s mental state.  It is this type of news stories that have shown that anyone with these illnesses should be put away and not allowed in society.  

This is much of the reason I am silent about my illness, or have been – until now.  I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 1996, to say the journey has been a rocky one is an understatement.  I have been lucky to be admitted to the hospital only twice, and I have fought with everything I have to stay healthy, listen to my doctors and learn as much as I can.   It’s complicated though, at least for me, not only am I Bipolar, but also live PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Traumatic Stress Disorder) , Anxiety, DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), and OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder).   To me, it simply means I have more letters after my name than most doctors, and for some reason, my brain was wired wrong.  The PTSD and DID, unfortunately, result from years of severe abuse, and from what I have learned does play a hand in my other disorders.

I thought for a long time that I had to hide who I was, wear a mask so to speak, but over the years, I have begun to find by hiding who I really was I was losing myself.  I am NOT my illness; I am a person who wants to live and enjoy each day and fight with everything I have to stop the stigma and ugliness that come from the admittance of mental illness.

In October 2013, a Chicago Bears wide receiver was fined for a uniform violation.  His crime you ask?  Since October is Breast Cancer Awareness month players were required to wear pink, instead he chose to wear green cleats in honor of Mental Health Awareness Week.   He stood up for what he believed was right, in support of someone he cares about and was punished for it.  I give him a standing ovation, and I believe many have as a way of saying thanks for doing what many of us can’t. 

With each day, I hope that we come another step closer to stopping the ignorance and stigma that are directed to those who are not able to speak for themselves and accept one another for who we are.  Everyone has a story and it is time I told mine.  Will you be the next to stand up? 

Lessons in Art Therapy

It has been more than a year since I posted to this blog, my illness decided it was time to shake me up a bit and stop being so complacent about my treatment and how I dealt with my mood swings and medication.  It has taken a little more than a year to get myself back to where I am able to live again, but it has been a bumpy ride and one I am ready to share and hope that others can relate to and find hope in.

Lessons in Art Therapy

I had to keep the knot in the wood open and exposed; every part of me wanted to cover it up and hide it.  That flaw reflected every part of me and why I was there, covering it up would make it go away, at least that was my theory.  However, she was watching me closely, with each piece of tissue paper I placed on the block she made sure I was following her directions.

What was so difficult about putting paper on a block of wood and leaving one spot uncovered?

The closer I came to finish my project the more anxious I became, the more aware of the knot and the way it stood out.  Everyone could see the beautiful colors that were blending together; it was a work of art, but turn it over, and there it was – my illness staring them in the face.  That’s when it hit me, by leaving that small piece exposed I was allowing the world to see my secret, I was granting them permission into my very private battle, and it was not OK.

The media had already painted a picture of who I was, supposedly, and I did not believe I had the strength to change their minds.  The piece of wood sat on my desk for a few weeks reminding me of what everyone would no know, but each I looked at it became more and more clear to me that what I was hiding was ME! 

Mental illness has always been the illness no one talks about, the one that is skirted around and whispered in the darkness.  Admittance all too often brings loneliness, loss of a job, friends and freedom to be who you truly are.  THAT is what I learned, I could no longer hide behind the façade, I had to live.  The media has the power to convince people that something is very bad, but it also has the power to change people’s minds about at topic and with the piece of wood on my desk, I decided it was time to stop hiding, to stop running and start fighting back.  I realized that more often than not unless you tell someone they may not know that you have a mental illness, and you are hiding for nothing; they already accept you and if they are a true friend, they will continue to see who you really are even after the reveal.

It is my hope now that I am able to help others see that the knot they are hiding is not something to be ashamed of, but something to embrace.  These illnesses are not easy; they take our life to places we would rather not go, but together we can fight and each day is another opportunity to show the world that mental illness is not a bad word, is not scary, and we are not monsters. 

Mental Illness and Violence are not related

Image via Wikipedia

There is the assumption that everyone with a mental illness is or will become violent, but it is most commonly used as an excuse for what someone has done.  In turn it adds to the ever-present stigma that comes with a diagnosis of mental illness.  

According to research done at Oxford University it was found that two of the most serious psychiatric disorders, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder - can lead to bouts of delusions, hallucinations and loss of contact with reality; however, these conditions are not an indicator for potential for violence.  In research done with more than 20,000 people in 2009 showed that the probability of violence was greater in those with who were abusing drugs and alcohol, then those with a mental illness.  Mental illness is more often used to explain violence and is over reported by the media with blatant false information.  These reporting’s make it nearly impossible to change the impression of the general public.  Heaven forbid people should be responsible for their own actions.    

Everyone has a tendency to be violent given the right circumstances, so to blame an illness is incorrect. Knowing how the brain works in these instances is crucial.  My dad was a paranoid schizophrenic who refused medical care; he used drugs and alcohol instead - in theory making him a triple threat in the area of being violent (according to the research and the general public) in reality; he was only a danger to himself.  Becoming a recluse he died alone in his bathroom of a massive heart attack.    

We have become a society of blaming  others or incidents for what we do.  It is rarely our own fault.  Look in the news and you will see celebrities who when caught in adultery immediately claim they have a sexual addiction and are seeking treatment. Really??  How about being honest and stating the truth, you can't be faithful and are looking for a way out.  Nearly anyone in a high-profile job or having celebrity status immediately turns to the mental illness genre for the reason for their actions.  Since we tend to idolize these people we immediately believe it is ok and everyone jumps on the band wagon.  What this does to those who truly live with these illnesses, it undermines there condition and hopes for recovery and becoming an accepted member of society.    

To put things into perspective soccer fans are more likely to be violent during a soccer match, but the person in general would never be seen as violent, but simply a fan.  This is true, as a soccer parent for 14 years, the game itself and the parents/fans watching can become very volatile.  It is a high pressure, emotional game that is taken very, very seriously.  In reality, statistics show that 1 in 14.3 million people will be killed by a person with schizophrenia, while you are three times more likely to be killed by a lightning strike at home.    

One of the worst things is to admit being mentally ill so it is kept quiet, and we suffer in silence because if anyone found out, we know we would be ostracized.  The general public would be surprised at the number people they associate with each day with some sort of mental illness, including the two most serious disorders, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia.  Before you judge someone, make sure you know who they really are, what is truly behind their actions and how you may be able to help them. 

Related articles

• A physiological marker for false memories (guardian.co.uk)
• Prejudice and Stigma Surrounding Mental Illness (godplacedherinmypath.wordpress.com)