5 Reasons We May Fail When Trying to Stabilize Mental Illness

It’s been over 21 years since I’ve been diagnosed with Schizo-Affective disorder, (a combination of Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia) and in that time I have learned what is takes to not only survive, but live with my diagnosis.

When I was first diagnosed I was sure I could do it on my own, most of us do.  We believe we know better than the doctors, after all we know ourselves and what we are capable of.  We don’t set out to fail, as with any illness we want to feel well and capable of living our lives fully.   Mental Illness is different, with such a stigma attached; feeling the need to hide it offers one of many reasons  to stop treatment or even start. 

#5 – Hospitals:  If you’ve spent time on a psych ward you would understand it is not a place to learn about your diagnosis in its full extent.   It is a group of individuals trying to understand how they got to be where they are and what they have to do to leave and get better.  The nurses, techs and ultimately the doctors can talk and prescribe medication, all the while hoping that when their patient is discharged they will continue treatment, though there is no guarantee.   So, yes hospitals have their place, they can start the process, but it’s a long term solution that is needed. 

#4 – Medications:   With so many medications available, it is hard to find the combination that will work.  Often times it can take months and multiple tries to find what is right for you.  Sadly, there is no one drug that will work for all mental illnesses, is it trial and error.   In some cases, side effects can lead to further illness and/or hospitalization.   This can be why treatment is often stopped, the endless frustration from not finding a treatment that will work can be overwhelming.   

#3 – Doctors:   It takes time to find a doctor you connect with and feel comfortable talking to, if not you may be less likely to listen to them.  It can take time, but it is important when you are serious about your treatment.   Psychiatrists and Psychologists alike are there to help, but it is a two way street, so understanding on both sides is vital. 

#2 – Friends and Family:  We may have heard a friend or family member say that the diagnosis is just something the doctor made up, you were just a little sad for a few days, or being told it’s not something to talk about, what will people think?   Knowing those you rely on the most are not supportive, or willing to listen and help, can set the cycle in motion again This ultimately leads to medications not being taken, doctor visits cancelled and the mind spinning looking for answers.  In the same breath, the opposite can also be true, family can promote the illness in order to keep their loved one medicated and “under control.” 

#1 – Ourselves:   It is our human nature to believe we know more than those who are telling us what to do, feel, or say.  The idea is adopted that the illness does not exist and that if it is ignored, it will go away.  Doctors can talk all they want, medications can be taken, but if we want to believe we are fine and go on with life as we see it, then that is what we will do.  It takes time for the realization to sink in that this is a life long illness and some help is needed, we are not super human, though there are times we believe we are. 

I know there are many more reasons or ideas that can be used to explain why it is so difficult to stabilize these illnesses, but if just one of these sounds familiar, then it is one step closer to finding the peace that is so desperately wanted and needed.

  

A Lesson I Keep Having to Learn and Relearn

In a perfect world we act, sometimes wrong, and when we do we learn not to do that action again.  We move on with life not really thinking about it again, chalking it up to one of life’s learning moments.

There are times though when, for me, that doesn’t always work.  There is that intellectual part of my brain that tells me, “You shouldn’t do that, you know what is going to happen and it’s time to step back and think first.”  Then there is a other side of the brain, the one that thinks it knows better and can control  everything, that  tells me, ”Don’t worry, we got this.”

Seems complicated, doesn’t it, actually it’s quite simple and it is in that simplicity that I lose myself and my logical thinking.  With my mental health challenges I know that I need to take care of myself in every way possible, the right amount of sleep, eat right, exercise, take my medication, but most of all I need to listen to my body and what my mind is telling me.  This lesson is one that was brought to the forefront recently and set me back a bit.

Working a part time job four or five days a week is OK, the hours are good and I have plenty of down time and freedom to focus on what I need to do.  However, a couple weeks ago they became shorthanded at work and asked me to come in on my two days off.  Of course I jumped at the chance, two extra days of pay, how could I turn that down.  My mind right away went to how much I could make with the additional days, what we would be able to do with the extra money – that was the focus, the extra money.  I wasn’t thinking about the affect it was going to have on me both mentally and eventually physically as well.  My normal five days suddenly turned into 12 days, it wasn’t until day 8 that it hit me and I realized what I mistake I made!   I had gone against my better judgement. 

Eight days in I was physically exhausted, I still believed I could do it, finish the next four with no problem, I had blocked the tiredness out of my head – dissociated you could say and kept moving.   When I finished my assigned days, I had two days off and collapsed.  I enjoyed the days off and knew that after that I would be on again for five more days. 

That’s when it hit me, I woke up that morning for work and a weight was on my chest.  The world was coming at me from every direction, conversations I’d had recently had suddenly became scenarios in my head where I was wrong and would be chastised for, and no good to anyone.  I was in the midst of a major anxiety attack.   For the first time in many months I took my anxiety medicine and went to work, wanting nothing more than to just be alone and let this pass, and jump start my brain again.

As you can imagine this is not the first time I have done this, felt I could take on the world and have no repercussions, and sadly it probably won’t be the last.  Each time, however, I can only hope that I get a little stronger, a little smarter and maybe a little wiser and know that I need to listen to not only my body, but my mind.  In my case, my mind is what is most important, if that happens to short circuit, the whole wall will tumble down and it will often take days to try and build it back up to try again.

Oddly enough, yes, there is a positive side to this.  I am learning, slowly and with encouragement that I need to take better care of myself.  Look at the bigger picture, i.e. myself, not what a few extra days of work will do for the bank account, think of what it will do to me.  It’s not selfish, its self care and knowing what it will take to stay well and available for friends, family and life in general. 

The Person that changed my approach to mental illness

                                                                               

The person that changed my approach to mental illness was my dad, but not in a way you may think.

In 1996, just shy of my 30^th birthday I was hospitalized for the first time and officially diagnosed with Schizo-Affective Disorder.   (This illness was passed genetically to me from my father who lived with Paranoid Schizophrenia.   Schizo-Affective in essence is a combination of Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia)   I finally had an answer to what had been happening to me mentally, physically, not to mention the effects it had on those I loved.  I knew what I had to do to help myself, take my medication, visit the psychologist and take care of myself physically.  This was not going to go away over night, or with the magic of a pill.  It was long term and I had to face it. 

Like most people, however, I am stubborn and believed I knew better than the doctors, I could do this on my own.  I didn’t want medication or help from them, I knew what was wrong and could get myself through it, and after all I’d made it this far, right? 

My theory seemed to be working until one early April morning in 1999; I received a phone call that my dad had passed away.  While his death was heartbreaking, knowing how and why he died threw me into my own reality and made me see who I didn’t want to become.

My dad lived for more than 30 years in a world of his own.  He rejected treatments, doctors and hospitals; he was a wanderer, always searching for what was in his heart or an idea he was chasing.  I consider that a part of who he was, as a Native American his spirit called to him and he followed, it was the  part of himself that he could control and enjoy, the one part that was not taken away from him by illness.   Videos were found after his death that he had made; snippets of himself trying to explain away the voices and confusion in his head,  we could see that while the intelligent and talent man we knew was talking, his mind was not his own.

That moment, those images, rocked me to my core, he was not able to help himself when he needed it most.  The illness that took over his mind was too powerful for him to control and without help from a doctor; he could not put the voices and images to rest. 

I realized that what I had been doing was no different from what my dad had done, ignoring the doctors, and believing I was better on my own, that the voices and images were nothing to worry about. I came to realize that yeah, they were something to worry about and if I didn’t start listening and taking care of myself, I too would become a statistic – as statistic like my dad. 

I tell people that he gave life to me twice, he is my father, but in his death he saved me from falling down the same path he did.  I’m not saying it’s been easy, I have been hospitalized a few times over the years and at times still buck the system, but what has kept me going is knowing that I am stronger with each day and I believe he is with me, watching to make sure I stay on track and live my life, a life that was cut short for him.   

His Native American spirit is in me as well, I too am a wanderer and find the greatest joy and peace when I am hiking or taking photographs, it is then that the voices settle, the mind focuses and just for a moment, I am free!

I live now for both of us.  

Are you too intelligent to be Mentally Ill?

This is a common problem for many people, the outside world, as it can be referred to, feels that if you are intelligent or creative, then you can’t be mentally ill.  The stigma is that those who are mentally ill commit crimes and cause trouble. 

If you look down through history some of the greatest minds have been or are mentally ill.  Famous authors, musician, painters, doctors, etc.  It seems that the creative mind feeds off its self.  These disorders fuel the brain, whether it is depression, mania, hallucinations or anxiety, each plays a part in shaping who we are and bringing our gifts to light.  Recently Carrie Fisher passed away, a great voice for bringing Mental Illness to light.  She had an amazing gift and used it to bring joy to others through her movies and understanding through her work to fight the stigma of these illnesses. 

I wish I could explain how it all works, but the one thing I can agree with, is what Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys spoke of in a 2002 interview. *In 2002, he spoke of how the disorder affects his creativity, explaining: "I haven't been able to write anything for three years. I think I need the demons in order to write, but the demons have gone. It bothers me a lot. I've tried and tried, but I just can't seem to find a melody.*  There is a lot of truth in what he says, our brains are meant to work a certain way for us and to change that, changes who we are.   

I’ve been hospitalized a few times and what I learned there or was told was that I was too intelligent!  I was to analytical! I became friends with the art therapist, she would push me to do things differently, to not analyze, to do something that I haven’t done before.  It was a great challenge for me because it’s not who I am.  It is a quandary we often find ourselves in and not one that we can answer or control.   

While I will admit it is a nuisance at times, it helps me to be the best I can be at my craft – writing and photography.  I believe it is the complexity of my brain that allows me to do these things, to craft stories, to see things in nature that others may not see and share that through my photography.  Would I want it to be different? That’s actually a hard question to answer, while yes to be without my illness would be great, no more medications, doctor visits, no mood swings and all the things that go along with it, however, I wouldn’t be ME.  I curse this illness most days, but it is because of it that I am able to do what I do.  My brain, while many would see it as not working correctly, I feel works just fine.  Yes, I have challenges, but doesn’t everyone? 

The thing is, beyond all the talk, stigma and misunderstanding,  there is the knowledge that we are gifted because we are fighting harder than we ever thought we would be able to and that in itself is worth bragging about.   So, be creative, be loud, be funny and let the world know that this is what Mental Illness looks like. 

Mental Health and Positivty - A New Beginning

There are plenty of mental health blogs, most focusing on what can go wrong and how to fix it.  Why not focus on the positive side of the illness?  I've decided to take a different approach in how I look at not only my mental illness, but what I write about as well.  We need to see the best thing when seeking stability and a way to handle most illnesses is to focus on positivity.

 I received the diagnoses of  Bipolar Disorder with psychotic features, Anxiety and PTSD.  In the past 20 years I've tried endless medications, treatments, seen therapists and hospitalizations.  While the doctors mean well and are good at what they do, we are responsible for our health and treatment. 

Yes, I take my medication, I won’t stop that because it helps keep me stable, but I know that is not the total answer.  It is time for a new focus and a more positive way of looking at this illness many feel will take away our life.  It won’t, often it will give you more than you ever imagined.   

When the focus is on the positive and we discover our talents, our life becomes one of joy and stability. I hope you will join me on this journey of discovery and wellness.  

T is for TMS (Trans-Cranial Magnetic Stimulation)

Trans-Cranial Magnetic Stimulation, or TMS for short, was approved in 2008 by the FDA as an acceptable treatment for Depression.  It has been shown to improve symptoms, especially for those who are medication treatment-resistant or where medications are not able to be used due to side effects.  While the treatment is still in its infancy, it is being used with remarkable results. 

TMS, by definition, uses magnetic fields to stimulate nerve cells in the brain to improve symptoms of depression.  A large electromagnetic coil is placed against the scalp near the forehead, creating electric currents that stimulate nerve cells in the area of the brain involved in mood control and depression. 

To read the description of what it is and how it works may sound more like something out of a Frankenstein movie, but the reality is it works and the wonder of modern medicine is giving hope to many to suffer depression when no medication seems to work.  The treatment, however, is far from barbaric.  A session lasts about 40 minutes and is done in the doctor’s office, over a period of four to six weeks. 

I have had TMS treatments and I have had ECT (Electro-Convulsive Therapy) and in my opinion having TMS is a far better choice. With ECT, there is the added stress of being in the hospital, being under anesthesia and having a seizure induced.  A TMS treatment, however, is simply sitting in a chair for 40 minutes and then continuing with your day.  Both treatments have worked for me in the past and I am going through a “maintenance” series of TMS now, which involves a treatment every two weeks or once a month after the initial six week treatment series.  The only downside to TMS is the time that it does take as treatment is five days a week for six weeks, scheduled can become a problem and the monotony of the trips do get to be a bit much after a while.  At least they did for me, I am not one for schedules and I was finding it hard to get myself there after a couple weeks, I simply wanted it to be over. In the end though, it was the best thing I could have done for myself and for my illness.

R is for Relapse

The word Relapse is most often used when speaking of those addicted to drugs or alcohol, but it also pertains to those with mental illness.  According to Webster’s Dictionary, “Relapse” is to fall back or revert to an earlier condition. 

In plain English, I would refer to it as a time when life seems to be going along and fine and all of a sudden there is a brick wall in front of you and you are not sure how to climb over it.  All tools, therapy and medications you have acquired are no longer relevant.  This often leads to a hospitalization in order to set things right again. 

The word relapse, however, is not often used by those with mental illness, it is more seen as being well or unwell.  To use the word relapse means going backward and that is the one thing that is feared the most, losing ground on stability or going back to square one.  In addition, many believe that in order to relapse you would have to have been well, then become unwell again and continued the cycle.  The realization is, those with mental illness believe that they have never “been well,” so there is no way to relapse.

If all this seems confusing, think of it this way.  Mental illness is something we are born with, it is not brought on by anything we have done, so while there may be a relapse, so to speak  in treatment or how one is feeling – is really a matter of how well we are feeling at a particular time. 

The most important thing is to be aware of the signs and know when we are becoming “unwell” again.  Be aware of changes in thought, feelings and behavior.  What I have found is tracking my moods and medication daily.  I have two apps on my phone that help with this and I receive reminders several times a day that ask me how I am doing and if I have taken my  medication. 

First is “MedCoach,” this keeps track of my medication when it needs to be taken, my doctors information, refill information, etc.  Second is “My Mood,” this app keeps track of my sleep pattern, mood, stress, energy and a number of other things that can affect how I feel and relate to my illness.  (These are both Apple apps, I do not know if they  are available on Android)  It is vital for me to do this every day, sometimes I wonder if it does any good, but when I do find myself falling back I am able to see where it may have happened, how I was feeling and what was going on at that particular time.

No matter what it is called, the important thing is to stay aware of your actions, feelings and most of all be vocal to those around you that care about you and your doctors so as to avoid a major setback.  

N - is for Natural Remedies

For years medication was known as the best way to treat mental illness, along with therapy and hospitalization.  A change is happening, however, to a more holistic way of treating these illnesses.  There are reasons people step back from traditional medications, side effects top the list, with many people feeling they are simply taking too many medications and what they can to do to our bodies.  In many cases, the drugs cause irritating side effects, which in turn is treated with more medication to alleviate the symptoms. 

The search for different treatments has been my goal in recent years, with my own mental illness; I have been on too many medications to mention and often they came with debilitating side effects so I would not be able to take them, this lead me on a journey to find another way.  i still take a couple medications and they do help, but there are ways to treat these illnesses without making weekly trips to the pharmacy. 

One of the best I have found is simply being out side in the fresh air and sunshine.  A short 15 minute walk can change your outlook on the day or situations that are ruminating in your mind.  I have discovered over time that when I am not able to be outside my moods tend to cycle more and I become moody.  I am a simple person, I enjoy the woods most of all, surrounding myself with the sounds of birds chirping and trees rustling around me.  During a hike the distractions are only a memory and my mind will once again focus on serenity and peacefulness of what is around me.  In addition, we receive Vitamin D from the sun which is also known to help the mind. 

in addition to spending time outside there are other medical treatments that do not include medication.  ECT (electric Convulsive Therapy) or TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) are common ways to treating mental illness.  ECT has received a bad rap over the years after movies and the media have shown it as barbaric, when it is a simple procedure today lasting no more than a few minutes while the patient in under anesthesia.  TMS uses a simple MRI type machine that stimulates the brain with magnetic pulses. 

I think one of the best treatments, next to be outside is journaling.  Writing down feelings and thoughts keeps them from ruminating and clears the mind of disturbing thoughts and ideas. 

There are many other treatments including vitamins and supplements to help stave off the symptoms of many illnesses.  The trick is to find the one that works best for you and you alone.  

After the April Blog challenge #atozblogchallenge

April brought the opportunity to let my voice be heard in the area of mental health, the struggles, misconceptions, treatments and simple thoughts of my own.  I struggled through some of it; the challenge was trying to find things that began with each letter, but in the end, it came together.   I did take a small break after the challenge to recharge my battery, so to speak and decide where to go from here.  What I learned during the month of April though was this……………. 

Mental Health Stigma will always be with us, as people, we fear what we do not know and cannot understand.  The easiest thing to do is walk away and whisper to others what we fear the most about the illnesses.  As one who lives with Mental illness, it is a heartbreaking thing to see, I speak for everyone; I believe, when I say we are just like everyone else; you would be surprised to know the truth about these illnesses and what they do and don’t do a person. 

For some of this, I blame the media; they are first to mention mental illness as the cause for any act of violence that occurs, when it most likely had nothing to do with the event, but it is the perfect scapegoat for what was done, after all. How could anyone really cause such pain to others?  It is for this reason that I rarely watch the news anymore; it makes me angry on so many levels. 

Now that I have put it out there about my illness, it is time be more open and share the ups and downs, the struggles and triumphs of my battle in the hopes it will help others know they are no longer alone in this world, and you do not have to hide.  

I am interested in what you think about the issue of stigma and mental health and if there are certain topics you would like to see covered here.  

“W” is for Wandering #atozblogchallenge

[wan-der-ing] 

1. moving from place to place without a fixed plan; roaming; rambling: wandering tourists. 

2. having no permanent residence; nomadic: a wandering tribe of Indians. 

3. meandering; winding: a wandering river; a wandering path.  

I am a wanderer, my mind, thoughts, dreams; ambitions have aspirations of their own and seem to take me along with them.  I get this from my dad; I believe; he was the same way; always searching for the next big adventure and what the world had to offer. I can’t thank him enough for what he gave me in that aspect, for me to take a trek around the world would be a dream come true the opportunity to quell my restless spirit.

I am not sure where our desire to explore comes from, but I believe it has a lot to with how our brains work.  My mental illness I inherited from my dad; he was paranoid schizophrenic and spent most of his life searching, exploring, planning, and wandering to wherever the mood took him.  He was gone for days or weeks at a time; no one really knew what he was up to, and then he came home to settle for a time, and just like that he would be gone again on another adventure.

I know many people refer to those with mental illness as odd; when in reality we are more creative, psychic, intelligent, etc., but on some level I believe this to be true because we are more in tune with our minds, bodies, souls and everything that is around us.  There is a burning desire to discover the world because we do not want to give in to this demon who has taken over our minds, so we go in search of what is out there, what others may not see and bring it back for them. 

I have a tattoo on my leg, a picture of a feather with ravens flying out from it; the saying “Not all who wander are lost," written in script, these simple words say everything that is within me.  I may look to many like I am day dreaming, and maybe I am, but if that is what you call the desire to learn, discover, imagine and create, then I hope I never stop wandering through this life. 

 To be called a wandering spirit; it means that I am alive. When someone tells to get your head out of the clouds, to stop letting your mind wander, tell them they are missing out on some of the best times of their life.  As the old saying goes, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."

"V" is for Vignette #atozblogchallenge

For today’s blog post, I decided to share a small snippet of my book, “Thoughts From A Cluttered Mind,” with you all, after all V is for Vignette.   The story is a journey of my struggle with mental illness, abuse, PTSD and how I came out the other side, a bit battered and bruised but wiser and ready to take on the world that was my enemy for so many years.  

“Click, slam, click.”  

The sound of the door locking terrified me as I walked slowly down the hall. 

“How did I get here?” I said out loud to no one, the suicide note was just for attention, just so someone would listen and take me seriously. 

I knew that part was only partially true, I had written the note for attention, but I also knew there was part of me that was ready to call it quits, Up until that afternoon to the outside world; I seemed a normal wife and mom.  Inside my mind, however, a storm was brewing, and I was caught in the middle of it.  It is these feelings and realizations that ran through my mind as I walked through the front doors of the psychiatric hospital that late July night.  I had reached the bottom, and found myself admitted to the mental hospital, I say call it what it is, a place for those who were crazy and couldn’t deal with reality, at least’s that how I felt as I walked down the hallway.

I wouldn’t get any answers from anyone tonight. Their only concern was keeping an eye on me, so I didn’t make another suicide attempt.  Tomorrow I would see about getting out of here; this was a misunderstanding.  A million thoughts ran through my head as I stared at the cold white ceiling, maybe if I just go to sleep, I will wake to find this to be a bad dream. 

It would be a night of interrupted sleep; my mind playing back the movie of my life and what I was seeing terrified me, I couldn’t escape it.  The memories had started, and I was nowhere near ready to face them. Instead I sat on the hard mattress and wrote, the words flowing out of me like a waterfall.   

 (journal entry) So, I hid.  I hid behind the walls thinking I was safe from the outside world, but I was not.  I was safe only from myself, for the time being.  I liked the comfort of knowing I wasn’t alone, that people understood me.  Outside the walls, the windows, behind the shades and curtains, there was a world that could not understand the confines of my brain.  They will never know what it’s like to sleep at night and pray you won’t wake up, that the loneliness will be over, and I would understand the truth that was in my mind.  Instead, I would wake up and find nothing has changed; I was alone.  I still had the desire for some sort of normalcy, and that I feared would never come.  If it did, would I notice it? How could I?