Facing Grief Mania and Depression

Grief, we’ve all experienced it on some level in our lives. Whether it is the loss of a parent, spouse, child, friend or a pet, we’ve been there.  Professionals will tell you there are five stages of grief that you will go through, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance and that they play out differently for everyone.  While this is all well known, what many of us with mental illness, like Bipolar Disorder, do not realize, is that grief can trigger a depressive/manic episode.  (It is important to mention that these episodes can occur in those who do not have a mental illness as well, so it is important for everyone t o know what to look for and get help.)

I had never heard of “grief mania”, then again, I have lived day to day with this illness for the last 21 years and am now (as I head into my 50s) realizing that maybe I should be taking this illness more seriously.  I found out about this trigger the hard way, a 5 month major manic episode that landed me in the hospital with suicidal ideations.

Back track five months prior when  I received an early morning phone call that my cousin Scott, had passed away the night before,  he had committed suicide.  We were as close as two people could be and his death devastated me.   What hit me the hardest was depression, I went through a couple weeks of thinking that maybe he had the right idea, maybe it was the way to make it all stop and go away and I wondered if I should join him and finally put my own demons to rest.  I obviously didn’t follow through with my thoughts; instead I got a tattoo in his memory.   On my chest, over my heart, is the word “FREE” with a dove.  To me it said it all, he was finally free.  The thing is, I wasn’t and was about to head down a very dark path. 

The mania started out innocently enough, then again it always does,  I met up with a good friend I hadn’t seen in awhile.  We always had trouble finding time we were both available, but suddenly it wasn’t a problem there seemed to be all the time in the world for lunch, movies, concerts and late night talks.  I would spend time with some friends once a week to crochet; I was enjoying going out again.  I was taking my medications and seeing my psychologist, all seemed fine.  My first clue should have been when almost three months after Scott’s death I decided I no longer needed therapy, I was finally enjoying life and had no need for a psychologist. 

Everything had seemed perfect, until it stopped and when it did there was nowhere to go.  I made an appointment to see my psychiatrist and an hour later I was on the psych ward.  That is when I found out about grief mania, the death of someone so close to me had triggered a major manic episode.  It would take nearly 2 months in the hospital before I felt like myself again.  Once I was back home,  I would visit the cemetery often to sit and talk, I was still battling my demons and I knew he was the only one who truly understood.

As life was settling into a “normal” routine, I was once again thrown a curve ball.  My step-dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and placed in hospice.  My mom, feeling she would not be to make the decisions gave me power of attorney and put his life in my hands.  As the dutiful daughter I did as I was told, but in my heart I wanted nothing to do with it or him for how he had treated me when I was younger.   The week before Christmas 2015 he passed away and I once again fell into the spiral.  His death brought back memories I didn’t want and I hated the fact that I had had to manage his needs in his final days.   My psychiatrist knew I was struggling and kept a very close eye on me.  I begged him a couple times to admit me, I was starting to realize something was wrong, but he wouldn’t.  I was going to face it this time, not hide behind the walls of the psych ward. 

As I pondered all that had occurred in the past 18 months, I found myself wondering what life was about and if maybe I needed to find my own place in this world, something I never had.  So, to everyone’s surprise I made the huge step of moving half way around the world.  I was still a bit manic at the time, but I was taking a stand for myself, as selfish as it sounds.   The move did not set well with my daughters and in my heart  I had lost three children, so as the wave of mania was dissipating, I went into a serious depression and mixed episode, many times wondering if life was worth all the trouble.  (A year later only two of them still talk to me)

As I was beginning to finally settle into a new life I was hit with yet another blow.  While planning a trip back to the US last month, I had hoped to see my daughters, but in the end saw only one.  I was heartbroken and cried all the way to the airport; I had lost my children again.  Then received the news a dear friend had passed away, I was starting to feel like heartbreak was all I would ever know. 

 So here  I am grieving yet again, acceptance isn’t coming as easy this time and my depression and mania are as strong as ever, but I know I need to face them – but truth be told – I’m scared.   Each day is a new battle, I have to tell myself I am strong enough and in the end things will be OK.  Most days I do alright, but it is in the middle of the night, when I can’t sleep that the sadness, anxiety and demons return to challenge me and I have to fight with all I have not to give into them. 

Reading how loss and grief can affect those of us with mental illness I know that I am not alone.  I have also realized that when it comes to mental illness you have to keep talking and learning, because you never know what may trigger the next episode.  It is a journey that cannot be walked alone, I tried to convince myself I didn’t need help, I could face the grief and sadness on my own, I was wrong.   Help is there, use it. 

Thank you for reading this post, while a bit long I think it shows the path life can take and how it knocks us down and what we need to do to fight out way back. 

A Lesson I Keep Having to Learn and Relearn

In a perfect world we act, sometimes wrong, and when we do we learn not to do that action again.  We move on with life not really thinking about it again, chalking it up to one of life’s learning moments.

There are times though when, for me, that doesn’t always work.  There is that intellectual part of my brain that tells me, “You shouldn’t do that, you know what is going to happen and it’s time to step back and think first.”  Then there is a other side of the brain, the one that thinks it knows better and can control  everything, that  tells me, ”Don’t worry, we got this.”

Seems complicated, doesn’t it, actually it’s quite simple and it is in that simplicity that I lose myself and my logical thinking.  With my mental health challenges I know that I need to take care of myself in every way possible, the right amount of sleep, eat right, exercise, take my medication, but most of all I need to listen to my body and what my mind is telling me.  This lesson is one that was brought to the forefront recently and set me back a bit.

Working a part time job four or five days a week is OK, the hours are good and I have plenty of down time and freedom to focus on what I need to do.  However, a couple weeks ago they became shorthanded at work and asked me to come in on my two days off.  Of course I jumped at the chance, two extra days of pay, how could I turn that down.  My mind right away went to how much I could make with the additional days, what we would be able to do with the extra money – that was the focus, the extra money.  I wasn’t thinking about the affect it was going to have on me both mentally and eventually physically as well.  My normal five days suddenly turned into 12 days, it wasn’t until day 8 that it hit me and I realized what I mistake I made!   I had gone against my better judgement. 

Eight days in I was physically exhausted, I still believed I could do it, finish the next four with no problem, I had blocked the tiredness out of my head – dissociated you could say and kept moving.   When I finished my assigned days, I had two days off and collapsed.  I enjoyed the days off and knew that after that I would be on again for five more days. 

That’s when it hit me, I woke up that morning for work and a weight was on my chest.  The world was coming at me from every direction, conversations I’d had recently had suddenly became scenarios in my head where I was wrong and would be chastised for, and no good to anyone.  I was in the midst of a major anxiety attack.   For the first time in many months I took my anxiety medicine and went to work, wanting nothing more than to just be alone and let this pass, and jump start my brain again.

As you can imagine this is not the first time I have done this, felt I could take on the world and have no repercussions, and sadly it probably won’t be the last.  Each time, however, I can only hope that I get a little stronger, a little smarter and maybe a little wiser and know that I need to listen to not only my body, but my mind.  In my case, my mind is what is most important, if that happens to short circuit, the whole wall will tumble down and it will often take days to try and build it back up to try again.

Oddly enough, yes, there is a positive side to this.  I am learning, slowly and with encouragement that I need to take better care of myself.  Look at the bigger picture, i.e. myself, not what a few extra days of work will do for the bank account, think of what it will do to me.  It’s not selfish, its self care and knowing what it will take to stay well and available for friends, family and life in general. 

The Person that changed my approach to mental illness

                                                                               

The person that changed my approach to mental illness was my dad, but not in a way you may think.

In 1996, just shy of my 30^th birthday I was hospitalized for the first time and officially diagnosed with Schizo-Affective Disorder.   (This illness was passed genetically to me from my father who lived with Paranoid Schizophrenia.   Schizo-Affective in essence is a combination of Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia)   I finally had an answer to what had been happening to me mentally, physically, not to mention the effects it had on those I loved.  I knew what I had to do to help myself, take my medication, visit the psychologist and take care of myself physically.  This was not going to go away over night, or with the magic of a pill.  It was long term and I had to face it. 

Like most people, however, I am stubborn and believed I knew better than the doctors, I could do this on my own.  I didn’t want medication or help from them, I knew what was wrong and could get myself through it, and after all I’d made it this far, right? 

My theory seemed to be working until one early April morning in 1999; I received a phone call that my dad had passed away.  While his death was heartbreaking, knowing how and why he died threw me into my own reality and made me see who I didn’t want to become.

My dad lived for more than 30 years in a world of his own.  He rejected treatments, doctors and hospitals; he was a wanderer, always searching for what was in his heart or an idea he was chasing.  I consider that a part of who he was, as a Native American his spirit called to him and he followed, it was the  part of himself that he could control and enjoy, the one part that was not taken away from him by illness.   Videos were found after his death that he had made; snippets of himself trying to explain away the voices and confusion in his head,  we could see that while the intelligent and talent man we knew was talking, his mind was not his own.

That moment, those images, rocked me to my core, he was not able to help himself when he needed it most.  The illness that took over his mind was too powerful for him to control and without help from a doctor; he could not put the voices and images to rest. 

I realized that what I had been doing was no different from what my dad had done, ignoring the doctors, and believing I was better on my own, that the voices and images were nothing to worry about. I came to realize that yeah, they were something to worry about and if I didn’t start listening and taking care of myself, I too would become a statistic – as statistic like my dad. 

I tell people that he gave life to me twice, he is my father, but in his death he saved me from falling down the same path he did.  I’m not saying it’s been easy, I have been hospitalized a few times over the years and at times still buck the system, but what has kept me going is knowing that I am stronger with each day and I believe he is with me, watching to make sure I stay on track and live my life, a life that was cut short for him.   

His Native American spirit is in me as well, I too am a wanderer and find the greatest joy and peace when I am hiking or taking photographs, it is then that the voices settle, the mind focuses and just for a moment, I am free!

I live now for both of us.  

Are you too intelligent to be Mentally Ill?

This is a common problem for many people, the outside world, as it can be referred to, feels that if you are intelligent or creative, then you can’t be mentally ill.  The stigma is that those who are mentally ill commit crimes and cause trouble. 

If you look down through history some of the greatest minds have been or are mentally ill.  Famous authors, musician, painters, doctors, etc.  It seems that the creative mind feeds off its self.  These disorders fuel the brain, whether it is depression, mania, hallucinations or anxiety, each plays a part in shaping who we are and bringing our gifts to light.  Recently Carrie Fisher passed away, a great voice for bringing Mental Illness to light.  She had an amazing gift and used it to bring joy to others through her movies and understanding through her work to fight the stigma of these illnesses. 

I wish I could explain how it all works, but the one thing I can agree with, is what Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys spoke of in a 2002 interview. *In 2002, he spoke of how the disorder affects his creativity, explaining: "I haven't been able to write anything for three years. I think I need the demons in order to write, but the demons have gone. It bothers me a lot. I've tried and tried, but I just can't seem to find a melody.*  There is a lot of truth in what he says, our brains are meant to work a certain way for us and to change that, changes who we are.   

I’ve been hospitalized a few times and what I learned there or was told was that I was too intelligent!  I was to analytical! I became friends with the art therapist, she would push me to do things differently, to not analyze, to do something that I haven’t done before.  It was a great challenge for me because it’s not who I am.  It is a quandary we often find ourselves in and not one that we can answer or control.   

While I will admit it is a nuisance at times, it helps me to be the best I can be at my craft – writing and photography.  I believe it is the complexity of my brain that allows me to do these things, to craft stories, to see things in nature that others may not see and share that through my photography.  Would I want it to be different? That’s actually a hard question to answer, while yes to be without my illness would be great, no more medications, doctor visits, no mood swings and all the things that go along with it, however, I wouldn’t be ME.  I curse this illness most days, but it is because of it that I am able to do what I do.  My brain, while many would see it as not working correctly, I feel works just fine.  Yes, I have challenges, but doesn’t everyone? 

The thing is, beyond all the talk, stigma and misunderstanding,  there is the knowledge that we are gifted because we are fighting harder than we ever thought we would be able to and that in itself is worth bragging about.   So, be creative, be loud, be funny and let the world know that this is what Mental Illness looks like. 

D is for the Many Faces of Depression

We all feel it at one time or another, the feeling of sadness and hopelessness; to a point it’s normal phase of life.  Different situations affect us and we go through a period of time where it seems nothing can go right.  For some,  however, that feeling doesn’t go away, lingering for days and weeks at a time and interfering with everyday life.  The most important aspect of depression is for those who live with the illness and more so for those who do not  is to know that it is not a sign of weakness or being negative, it is a legitimate health issue and treatable with medication, talk therapy, and lifestyle changes.   

Depression is not as clear cut as many may think there are many faces to depression and I want to touch on a few of them here.  The diagnosis of the type of depression is critical is finding the right type of treatment.    

Major Depression is the illness that is most commonly heard of.  It is characterized by a loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities, loss of weight, or weight gain, a feeling of being sleepy most of the time, a feeling of worthlessness, trouble concentrating and thought of suicide.  Five of more of these symptoms must be present for at least two week for a diagnosis of Major Depression.  Once you have a diagnosis, your doctor can then begin to work with you on the best way to treat your illness. 

Persistent Depressive Disorder:  This type of depression follows the same pattern of Major Depression, however, the symptoms must be present for at least two year.  This would be considered Persistent Depression and is treated with medication and therapy. 

Bipolar Disorder:  While it mimics the symptoms of depression, there are also periods of extreme highs, called manic episodes.  The most important thing here is to use medication to stabilize the moods swings, these are called mood stabilizers.  Anti-depressant is not commonly use with Bipolar Disorder because they tend to increase the chance of a manic episode.  

Seasonal Affective Disorder:  This is most common during the winter months when there is less sunlight and the days are shorter.  Major depression occurs during this time and is treated with anti-depressants and light therapy.  Light therapy is most common and requires the person to sit in front of a natural light box for 15 to 30 minutes a day.  

Psychotic Depression:  This is a diagnosis of major depression which includes with it symptoms of psychosis, including hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia.  Anti-Depressants and Anti-psychotic drugs are used to treat this type of depression. 

PostPartum Depression:  This has also been known as the “baby blues,” and occurs in the weeks and months after the birth of a child.  Anti-depressants and therapy are known to help with this illness.  

Situational Depression:  While there is not a technical term for this type of depression, but it hits all of us at one time or another when a stressful event occurs in life.  The death of a loved one, the loss of a job, divorce or any occurrence that makes you feel unsure of yourself and the world around you.  Therapy is the most common treatment for this type of depression

As you can the illness of depression is not cut and dry, one size fits all type of illness.  There are many facets and anyone can fall under one or more diagnosis.  The more we talk about depression and mental illness the more we can come to understand that it is a medical condition and that 1 in 4 people live some sort of mental illness, most often you do not know who it is.  

Bipolar Disorder – Can Friendships survive?

Image via Wikipedia

Living with Bipolar is like being alone in a crowd and all to often it is us who makes sure we are alone. It is common for those with Bipolar to drive away those who we need the most in our lives, those that will help us to maintain our mental health. I have, in the past, managed to do this by telling them everything I ever did – that way if they stayed around, then I knew they were worth being friends with. Strange I know, and I am not sure why I did it. Would I do it now? No way, I have learned there are better ways to get to know people.

One thing I have noticed and may keep people at a distance is opening up to them about the illness that runs my life. They think it is contagious, they do not understand the ups and downs that come with the illness. When a manic episode occurs or serious depression, they will fear us even more, turning away when we need their friendship the most.

I have destroyed many friendships along the way, along my journey to find the answers to my illness, at the same time I have found the true meaning of friendship in those who are able to see through the fear and uncertainty and help me too see the hope and promise and not only the fear and darkness that is so often the legacy of those with Bipolar.

Does Bipolar ruin more friendships than it creates? That may be up to us, how we present ourselves, how we take care of ourselves in our worst moments and who we surround ourselves with everyday.

Do you miss Mania?

Image via Wikipedia

This will be a short post, just something I thought of last night and wrote some thoughts down.

While I am not a fan of the cycling that goes with Bipolar Disorder, I have to admit that my mania and I have become friends. We spend our days dreaming, writing, taking pictures and enjoying life. Time passes quickly when we are together; my to-do list is finished in no time and the sun shines bright.

It seems I can take on the world, and then…….the inevitable brick wall shows up, nasty thing that it is and takes away all my fun. What really gets me then is all that I did while I was manic is still here and now that I have no energy and no interest, I still need to keep going. All to often it has happened that I volunteered for things, or agreed to do this or that, then when the mania is gone………..I have to find a way to manage it all.

So, basically I miss my mania – we’re friends.

Related articles by Zemanta

• How a Bipolar Patient Learned to Manage Mania - Article (untreatableonline.com)
• How mood mapping helped me beat bipolar disorder (cnn.com)

Bipolar Disorder and the Biological Clock

Image by raw:images via Flickr

According to a study published in September, there may be a link between bipolar disorder and our “biological clock.” The study suggests that abnormalities in the genes that control our biological clock contribute to the development of Bipolar Disorder.

The study, done with mice, showed that mice carrying a mutation in one of the key genes of their biological clock have similar behaviors of someone in a manic phase of Bipolar Disorder, and when given the drug lithium, they returned to a more normal behavior.

It has long been known that maintaining a schedule is vital for someone with Bipolar Disorder, a variation in schedule can trigger a manic or depressive episode. So, discovering the connection is important in that it may lead to the discovery of more specifically targeted medications for Bipolar.

I do agree with this study, I know if I am off my schedule, my mood does change – however, it is not always for the worse. Losing some sleep to have a couple days of hypomania is not always a bad thing. I welcome my moments of mania, those moments when my mind is clear, I am able to focus and accomplish everything on my to-do list. The inevitable crash, however, is not so welcome – so maintaining a schedule is vital and I know it.

If these studies can help lead to a more specific type of drug to help regulate my brain, I’m all for it.

And for the record, I am an Early bird! I always have been, but never really put the two together and I know for a fact that it is all connected. I know, for me, that if I sleep past 8am, my day is doomed. To me anything past 8am is wasting the day, the day is over and trying to accomplish anything is basically useless and can affect my entire day.

Do you find sticking to a schedule vital?

Bipolar Disorder and Sleep - What is the Connection?

Image via Wikipedia

For as long as I can remember I have been up before dawn, or very soon there after. If I am going to get something done it better be before noon or it’s not happening. It’s how my body works, how my brain functions and I have become use to it.

An article on emax health shows a study that was presented on Bipolar Disorder that states “abnormalities in the genes that control our biological clock contribute to the development of Bipolar Disorder.”

Doctors and countless studies will tell us that maintaining a regular sleep pattern is best for maintaining best overall health – this is for every person. For those with bipolar disorder, however, establishing such a routine is more challenging, due to a “delicate internal clock.” A simple change in when you go to sleep, staying up an extra hour to watch the ball drop on New Year’s Eve, or stress from family can trigger a manic episode. Once the mania begins, it simply feeds upon itself since you no longer feel like sleeping or slowing down.

I will be the first one to admit that my being a morning person is what sets me apart from others and all to often I receive comments how “I am crazy” “why don’t I sleep?” “How can the day be half over at noon?” I usually just laugh and say that’s just the way I am.

This type of sleep pattern for me is one thing that can actually keep my bipolar disorder in check, or under control. The quiet of the morning offers me the opportunity to enjoy the quiet, to prepare for the day before I am overwhelmed by the demands that are about to be put on me. Without those precious minutes or hours my day does not go well.

I know what I need to stay stable, it is a challenge some days, but I try. Sleep pattern is vital.

Related articles by Zemanta

• 9 Myths of Bipolar Disorder (psychcentral.com)