This is what it feels like to be lost and found in a psychotic episode

Mental illness shows itself in many ways, it can be sad, joyous, tiring, energetic, destructive and ultimately confusing.  There is one aspect though, that is often not talked about, it is the good, the bad and the ugly all rolled into one, it is psychosis.

When I started having psychotic episodes, they were exciting, wonderful and unsettling all at once.  You’re probably wondering how this is possible, well it is and each involved emotion plays an important part.

I do not always know I am heading into a psychosis, often someone will see it long before I do.  What I am aware of, however, is what is going on inside my brain, a mystical place full of wonder and promise, hopes and dreams, confusion and fear, all put together in a room,  let out in pairs and given the ability to experience life in the “real world.”

For me, this is how it begins.   Hopes and dreams appear first, being a writer and photographer I am suddenly struck with the most amazing ideas and decide that all of them are going to work, so I begin implementing each one all at the same time.  A new book idea is started, Writer’s groups are joined, and a photography site is set up as I wait impatiently for hundreds of adoring fans to praise my work – after all it is fantastic, right? 

Wonder and promise are not far behind. I go for walks and am amazed by the images I see, the boats on the water, the birds flying and not falling, surfers and paddle boarders riding the waves.  I think of what it must be like to be on a fishing boat, to walk on an island and take those breathtaking pictures that people are waiting to see. The whole world is in front of me, the promise of what is possible and with every part of my being I know I can make it happen.  I am restless and wandering is my only desire. 

Lurking in the back of that room are confusion and fear, they ease their way out, often unnoticed, and begin the not so nice side of this otherwise joyous experience.  Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, there is a flash of something out of the corner of my eye.  A person, an animal, a car passing by, I can’t really be sure; all I know is it doesn’t feel right.  When the two little trouble makers feel the hallucinations are not enough they add sound bites as I hear my name called when no one is around.  These two little imps are clever, for fun they throw in uncontrolled thoughts, and I begin to wonder if people are mad at me, why are they not talking to me, did I do something to upset them, am I not good enough?  These are often combined with the idea something is about to go terribly wrong.  Ah, they are devilish, cunning little things. 

See all this goes on at once, a tornado swirling around my brain.  There is the part of me that wants it to end, the power of confusion and fear are too much, but the idea of endless opportunities and ability could stick around, but I know it won’t.  They will go back into their room and wait for another time to come out, and with them take the brilliant sunshine and promise they brought me.  I know it’s not reality, I figured that out a long time ago, but for a period of time I am on top of the world, I was invincible.  Sadly, when it all ends I feel I am nothing, my photos will seem dull and lifeless and my brilliant writings are junk.   

I know people are scared at the mere idea of this, but to me it’s normal.  My mind, in all its chaos is a place I can hide, and sometimes it decides to come out and play; we understand each other – sort of.

No matter how you look at it, my brain has a mind of its own and what it is capable of is nothing short of amazing.

The Person that changed my approach to mental illness

                                                                               

The person that changed my approach to mental illness was my dad, but not in a way you may think.

In 1996, just shy of my 30^th birthday I was hospitalized for the first time and officially diagnosed with Schizo-Affective Disorder.   (This illness was passed genetically to me from my father who lived with Paranoid Schizophrenia.   Schizo-Affective in essence is a combination of Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia)   I finally had an answer to what had been happening to me mentally, physically, not to mention the effects it had on those I loved.  I knew what I had to do to help myself, take my medication, visit the psychologist and take care of myself physically.  This was not going to go away over night, or with the magic of a pill.  It was long term and I had to face it. 

Like most people, however, I am stubborn and believed I knew better than the doctors, I could do this on my own.  I didn’t want medication or help from them, I knew what was wrong and could get myself through it, and after all I’d made it this far, right? 

My theory seemed to be working until one early April morning in 1999; I received a phone call that my dad had passed away.  While his death was heartbreaking, knowing how and why he died threw me into my own reality and made me see who I didn’t want to become.

My dad lived for more than 30 years in a world of his own.  He rejected treatments, doctors and hospitals; he was a wanderer, always searching for what was in his heart or an idea he was chasing.  I consider that a part of who he was, as a Native American his spirit called to him and he followed, it was the  part of himself that he could control and enjoy, the one part that was not taken away from him by illness.   Videos were found after his death that he had made; snippets of himself trying to explain away the voices and confusion in his head,  we could see that while the intelligent and talent man we knew was talking, his mind was not his own.

That moment, those images, rocked me to my core, he was not able to help himself when he needed it most.  The illness that took over his mind was too powerful for him to control and without help from a doctor; he could not put the voices and images to rest. 

I realized that what I had been doing was no different from what my dad had done, ignoring the doctors, and believing I was better on my own, that the voices and images were nothing to worry about. I came to realize that yeah, they were something to worry about and if I didn’t start listening and taking care of myself, I too would become a statistic – as statistic like my dad. 

I tell people that he gave life to me twice, he is my father, but in his death he saved me from falling down the same path he did.  I’m not saying it’s been easy, I have been hospitalized a few times over the years and at times still buck the system, but what has kept me going is knowing that I am stronger with each day and I believe he is with me, watching to make sure I stay on track and live my life, a life that was cut short for him.   

His Native American spirit is in me as well, I too am a wanderer and find the greatest joy and peace when I am hiking or taking photographs, it is then that the voices settle, the mind focuses and just for a moment, I am free!

I live now for both of us.  

Are you too intelligent to be Mentally Ill?

This is a common problem for many people, the outside world, as it can be referred to, feels that if you are intelligent or creative, then you can’t be mentally ill.  The stigma is that those who are mentally ill commit crimes and cause trouble. 

If you look down through history some of the greatest minds have been or are mentally ill.  Famous authors, musician, painters, doctors, etc.  It seems that the creative mind feeds off its self.  These disorders fuel the brain, whether it is depression, mania, hallucinations or anxiety, each plays a part in shaping who we are and bringing our gifts to light.  Recently Carrie Fisher passed away, a great voice for bringing Mental Illness to light.  She had an amazing gift and used it to bring joy to others through her movies and understanding through her work to fight the stigma of these illnesses. 

I wish I could explain how it all works, but the one thing I can agree with, is what Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys spoke of in a 2002 interview. *In 2002, he spoke of how the disorder affects his creativity, explaining: "I haven't been able to write anything for three years. I think I need the demons in order to write, but the demons have gone. It bothers me a lot. I've tried and tried, but I just can't seem to find a melody.*  There is a lot of truth in what he says, our brains are meant to work a certain way for us and to change that, changes who we are.   

I’ve been hospitalized a few times and what I learned there or was told was that I was too intelligent!  I was to analytical! I became friends with the art therapist, she would push me to do things differently, to not analyze, to do something that I haven’t done before.  It was a great challenge for me because it’s not who I am.  It is a quandary we often find ourselves in and not one that we can answer or control.   

While I will admit it is a nuisance at times, it helps me to be the best I can be at my craft – writing and photography.  I believe it is the complexity of my brain that allows me to do these things, to craft stories, to see things in nature that others may not see and share that through my photography.  Would I want it to be different? That’s actually a hard question to answer, while yes to be without my illness would be great, no more medications, doctor visits, no mood swings and all the things that go along with it, however, I wouldn’t be ME.  I curse this illness most days, but it is because of it that I am able to do what I do.  My brain, while many would see it as not working correctly, I feel works just fine.  Yes, I have challenges, but doesn’t everyone? 

The thing is, beyond all the talk, stigma and misunderstanding,  there is the knowledge that we are gifted because we are fighting harder than we ever thought we would be able to and that in itself is worth bragging about.   So, be creative, be loud, be funny and let the world know that this is what Mental Illness looks like. 

Remembering who you are, you're not your illness.

If you change the wording a little, "Can you remember who you were, before mental illness told you who to be?"  Does it sound a little more familiar? 

I can, I have always been a creative person.  I remember being 10 years old sitting on my bedroom floor making clothes for my Barbie's, or swinging on the front porch writing stories.  I always had a book with me; spending summer vacations reading as many books as I could, the hours at the library made me feel alive.  It was seen as the dabbling of a child though; no one put much thought into it or asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up.  I was told I was going to college and I would get a degree, get a job, get married and have babies.  I called their bluff, however, and enlisted in the military; I wanted to be on my own, away from the world I knew.  It never stopped my love of writing though, I continued - only no one knew.  I kept it too myself, my secret, the person I really was.

Mental illness changes many things in life and it can be difficult to silence the voices that say this is as good as it will be, the past is over, the person who was, can no longer be.  These are the lies that are transmitted with a diagnosis.  It feels as if, with the doctor’s words, comes a badge that tells us nothing will ever be the same again.

While there is some truth to this way of thinking, it's not the whole story.  A diagnosis of mental illness will change the future, that is true, but it cannot take away your past, the person you are deep inside.   There will be new challenges, an unseen battle of the mind that can make the days more difficult, but it does not mean that you are different as a whole person; it is merely a different way of living and looking at the world. 

This idea, however, does not come easy.  With such a diagnosis there is the immediate fear of stigma and being ashamed, both of which are society’s perception.  Life seems different and there is the question of how it will be now, medication, doctor visits, therapy.  Do I tell people? Friends, family, work colleagues?  These questions themselves are enough to add to the anxiety, but taking a step back can help bring it into perspective.  

If a friend came to you and said they had received a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, what would you do?  Think about that for a minute, what is the first thing you would do?   For most of us we would hope that we would be supportive, and there is no doubt we would be, but would there be a second of doubt and uncertainty?  Would you question, maybe for the first time who this person is?  Have they changed in your eyes? 

Now, look in the mirror - do you have these same questions about yourself?  The diagnosis of mental illness not only creates doubt and uncertainty in those around us, but in ourselves as well.  That is why we need to sit back and remember who we truly are, the person deep inside, whom we are at our core.  

Growing up you may have wanted to be an artist, but society told you that it was not a lucrative career path, were they wrong, or was it only their opinion?  With this new diagnosis, it will also be their opinion that you will hear.  Maybe now will be the perfect time to start a new career, follow that dream you always thought you couldn't have.  It can be seen as a new lease on life, a new beginning.  

While this total shift in careers or life may not be possible for everyone, it does offer the chance to explore what is inside of us a little more.  Creating a stronger and more resilient person than we ever thought we could be.  

N - is for Natural Remedies

For years medication was known as the best way to treat mental illness, along with therapy and hospitalization.  A change is happening, however, to a more holistic way of treating these illnesses.  There are reasons people step back from traditional medications, side effects top the list, with many people feeling they are simply taking too many medications and what they can to do to our bodies.  In many cases, the drugs cause irritating side effects, which in turn is treated with more medication to alleviate the symptoms. 

The search for different treatments has been my goal in recent years, with my own mental illness; I have been on too many medications to mention and often they came with debilitating side effects so I would not be able to take them, this lead me on a journey to find another way.  i still take a couple medications and they do help, but there are ways to treat these illnesses without making weekly trips to the pharmacy. 

One of the best I have found is simply being out side in the fresh air and sunshine.  A short 15 minute walk can change your outlook on the day or situations that are ruminating in your mind.  I have discovered over time that when I am not able to be outside my moods tend to cycle more and I become moody.  I am a simple person, I enjoy the woods most of all, surrounding myself with the sounds of birds chirping and trees rustling around me.  During a hike the distractions are only a memory and my mind will once again focus on serenity and peacefulness of what is around me.  In addition, we receive Vitamin D from the sun which is also known to help the mind. 

in addition to spending time outside there are other medical treatments that do not include medication.  ECT (electric Convulsive Therapy) or TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) are common ways to treating mental illness.  ECT has received a bad rap over the years after movies and the media have shown it as barbaric, when it is a simple procedure today lasting no more than a few minutes while the patient in under anesthesia.  TMS uses a simple MRI type machine that stimulates the brain with magnetic pulses. 

I think one of the best treatments, next to be outside is journaling.  Writing down feelings and thoughts keeps them from ruminating and clears the mind of disturbing thoughts and ideas. 

There are many other treatments including vitamins and supplements to help stave off the symptoms of many illnesses.  The trick is to find the one that works best for you and you alone.  

Suicide - The New Midlife Crisis?

Watch the news and you will see the story of a young person who has committed suicide.  We believe these adolescent kids do not understand that life can get better, there are brighter days ahead, instead they are cut down in the prime of their lives.   What many call, “A permanent solution, to what is often a temporary problem.”

The idea that teens have the highest risk of suicide may not be correct.  In 2007 statistics showed the greatest rate of suicide was among those aged 45-54, and those between 55and 64 showed the largest increase from what was recorded in 2006.  This information is shocking, since it is more common to see middle age as the happiest time of life, after all they now call 50 the new 30.  Reality seems to show, however, that this time of life is actually a time of confusion, doubt and uncertainty.  

We see the realization of dreams never followed through on,  and now face a job; they are not happy with and feel life has been wasted.  Many see debt mounting as their kids head to college and retirement approaches.   In addition, many are faced with caring to aging parents, as their own mortality becomes a reality, for some men when they approach middle age, they find their bodies are not what they used to be, and feel inadequate.  The idea of retiring to the Bahamas or traveling across the world becomes less of a reality with each passing day, and depression takes over for what should have been..    

Additional theories, may also shed some light on the causes, for instance, the fact that as we age the circle of friends, we spent time with and counted on throughout our lives, slowly dwindles; we are more alone, and there seems to be nowhere to turn.  Assisting in this epidemic is the ever growing supply of drugs to help the pain that often comes with aging, which can lead to either intentional or unintentional overdoses.     

With so much emphasis on the treatment of teenagers and younger adults and their risk of suicide, these older Americans are being overlooked.   The chances of suicide and how the act may be carried out can depend on whether you are male or female.  It is well known that women are more likely to seek help and to consider or attempt suicide, with the hope of someone noticing their cry for help.  Men, on the other hand, prefer to keep their depression to themselves and find counsel in their own way, often drinking heavily and turning to guns to ensure their attempt is successful. 

Mental Illness and Violence are not related

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There is the assumption that everyone with a mental illness is or will become violent, but it is most commonly used as an excuse for what someone has done.  In turn it adds to the ever-present stigma that comes with a diagnosis of mental illness.  

According to research done at Oxford University it was found that two of the most serious psychiatric disorders, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder - can lead to bouts of delusions, hallucinations and loss of contact with reality; however, these conditions are not an indicator for potential for violence.  In research done with more than 20,000 people in 2009 showed that the probability of violence was greater in those with who were abusing drugs and alcohol, then those with a mental illness.  Mental illness is more often used to explain violence and is over reported by the media with blatant false information.  These reporting’s make it nearly impossible to change the impression of the general public.  Heaven forbid people should be responsible for their own actions.    

Everyone has a tendency to be violent given the right circumstances, so to blame an illness is incorrect. Knowing how the brain works in these instances is crucial.  My dad was a paranoid schizophrenic who refused medical care; he used drugs and alcohol instead - in theory making him a triple threat in the area of being violent (according to the research and the general public) in reality; he was only a danger to himself.  Becoming a recluse he died alone in his bathroom of a massive heart attack.    

We have become a society of blaming  others or incidents for what we do.  It is rarely our own fault.  Look in the news and you will see celebrities who when caught in adultery immediately claim they have a sexual addiction and are seeking treatment. Really??  How about being honest and stating the truth, you can't be faithful and are looking for a way out.  Nearly anyone in a high-profile job or having celebrity status immediately turns to the mental illness genre for the reason for their actions.  Since we tend to idolize these people we immediately believe it is ok and everyone jumps on the band wagon.  What this does to those who truly live with these illnesses, it undermines there condition and hopes for recovery and becoming an accepted member of society.    

To put things into perspective soccer fans are more likely to be violent during a soccer match, but the person in general would never be seen as violent, but simply a fan.  This is true, as a soccer parent for 14 years, the game itself and the parents/fans watching can become very volatile.  It is a high pressure, emotional game that is taken very, very seriously.  In reality, statistics show that 1 in 14.3 million people will be killed by a person with schizophrenia, while you are three times more likely to be killed by a lightning strike at home.    

One of the worst things is to admit being mentally ill so it is kept quiet, and we suffer in silence because if anyone found out, we know we would be ostracized.  The general public would be surprised at the number people they associate with each day with some sort of mental illness, including the two most serious disorders, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia.  Before you judge someone, make sure you know who they really are, what is truly behind their actions and how you may be able to help them. 

Related articles

• A physiological marker for false memories (guardian.co.uk)
• Prejudice and Stigma Surrounding Mental Illness (godplacedherinmypath.wordpress.com)

I have Depression and I am alive!

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For those with mental illness, from the time the words come out of the doctor’s mouth it seems to define who you are, the illness becomes all you think about, hear about and write about. It seems to take over your every waking moment – but in the midst of it all, you can’t forget who you are, yet that seems to be the first thing we lose – our identity.

Some of that may come from society in general, mental illness, to them, is who we are. They can’t see past the words, the image, and the actions.

What we need to do is to remind them that we are people, no matter what. We just fight to show people the true face of mental illness – wouldn’t they be surprised if saw the truth.

If you live with severe depression, or know someone who does keep these things in mind – write a note to them, or to yourself to remind you who you are, the person that is inside because there will be days when you will find yourself lost and wondering where your life is going.

FDA EXPANS ANTIPSYCHOTIC DRUG WARNING

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US food and drug administration has issued a warning that older, conventional antipsychotic medications may increase the risk of death in some elderly patients.

The drug companies are being required to include "black box" warnings pertaining to the potential risk in older patients who suffer from dementia-related psychosis. Some newer drugs, such as abilify and Zyprexa already carry such warnings.

Most of these drugs are approved for the treatment of schizophrenia, a disorder that causes unusual thoughts and behavior, including speech and memory problems. With this information, doctors can use them to help treat dementia patients - even though they are not approved for such treatment.

Having taking both of these drugs I know I would never take them again. Abilify made me terribly sick and Zyprexa - that just made me sleepy and more of a zombie. I can certainly see how it can cause problems. Thankfully I was able to stop, only after I left the psychiatrist who had prescribed them after he refused to listen to the problems I was having.

Doctors are right to try new treatments, but side effects and bad reactions need to be monitored closely, especially if using a drug that is not normally used for a particular illness or condition.

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• FDA: Antipsychotics Need 'Black Box' Warning

Antidepressants may help Stroke Patients

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Each year more than 700,000 American’s suffer from a stroke, at least 1/3 third of these individuals will face a battle with depression within 2 years. In addition, these individuals may recover at a slower rate, often resulting in death. Researchers say this is due to the possible damage to the part of the brain that affects mod, add to this frustrations of relearning simple everyday tasks and living with impairment related to the stroke. Taking this into consideration, depression may not be such a surprise.

The answer? Antidepressants

In recent research funded by the NIMH, doctors have found that giving the antidepressant, Lexapro to stroke patients from the beginning may deter the onset of depression. According to the studies stoke patients are 4 to 5 time less likely to develop depression as opposed to those taking a placebo.

The study including 176 stroke patients that ranged in age from 50 – 90, these individuals were then divided into 3 groups – one being given Lexapro, the second given a placebo and the third engaged in therapy. The results showed that 9% of patients on Lexapro developed depression, a lower percentage when compared to 22% of those taking placebo and 12% of those who engaged in therapy. As with any discover, however, there is a downside. Side effects of the drug, as well as giving a drug to those who may no need it, may subject them to the added frustration of side effects.

If you are given the option what would you choose? Though the study included on stroke patients in 50 – 90 years old, would this new therapy be as beneficial in younger patients? It would seem to me that the younger the patient, or the more independent a person is, the greater chance of them facing depression; losing their independence, can be devastating.

I thank God for the doctors who continue to look for ways to offer a continued life of independence and comfort. You never know when these discoveries may affect you and your family.

Pacemaker for the Brain

Image via WikipediaIn two of the largest studies at the Cleveland Clinic, results show that a “brain pacemaker” may have the ability to treat depression and Obsessive-Compulsive disorder. Like a heart pacemaker, the devise is implanted in the chest; leads then send electrical impulses to the brain. To date the pacemaker has already been approved to treat disorders such as Parkinson's disease.

The technique known as deep brain stimulation has helped some of the most severely depressed patients, as well as patients with OCD with no serious side effects related to the device.

Currently Medtronic has an application before the U.S. Food and Drug administration for the device to be used for treating OCD. An implantable device, by Cyberonics, was approved by the FDA in 2005 for treatment-resistant depression, by sending signals to the brain through the vagus nerve in the neck.

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• 'Brain pacemaker' could ease depression [via Zemanta]

Regular Sleep Patterns may help Bipolar Disorder

Image via WikipediaWith the daily advancements of technology, we are constantly learning about mental illnesses and what makes the brain do what it does.

It may be surprising to some, those who believe anyone with a mental illness should be drugged so as to not harm anyone or themselves, that there are many non-medication treatments that are more effective.

What is important is that while medication is necessary, it does not work alone - pills themselves will never "cure" any illness or disease. In the case of BiPolar Disorder, according to research, patients who followed a regular routine and sleep pattern seemed to go longer without a new episode, than those who were given clinical management. This information is vital, showing primary care and/or family physicians can effectively help in maintaining treatment plans.

Also according to the study, by helping those with BiPolar keep a sleep schedule and wake time - this balances the circadian system helping receive the right amount of sleep and cut down on daytime exhaustion. The increase of these periods of exhaustion and/or sleeplessness often increases the chance for an episode of mania or depression.

It seems so simple, get enough sleep and you can combat the ever existing issues that plague those with Bipolar. This is not a cure all, but can help when medications do not seem to work on their own.

Can We Diagnose Schizophrenia With Noise?

Image via WikipediaI was a bit skeptical when I read this article, but I must say whether I agree with the results or not, the idea that research is being done and these illnesses are being recognized is, in itself, a blessing.

The Yale school of medicine conducted a study that looks at the tendency to take a meaningful message out of meaningless noise. The idea of the study is producing a "matrix of unreality" can trigger the initial phase of Schizo-spectrum disorders. With this knowledge it may be possible to detect the early signs of Schizo.

Studies of 43 people already diagnosed with symptoms of social withdraw, mild perceptual alternations or misinterpretation of social cues. The participants were given either the drug Zyprexa, an antipsychotic used to treat Schizo and BP, or a placebo. With the medication or placebo given, the participants were given headphones in order to listen to text read by 6 different people at the same time. This created difficulty when it came to comprehension; with the words of any sort of consistency being increased, such as children, A-OK and republican.

After the text was read, 80% of the participants who "heard" phrases of 4 or more words in length developed Schizo-related illness while not on the medication Zyprexa. However, there were also 6% of the participants who did not hear the same phrases, who developed Schizo.

As is to be expected this is not an exact science and is not meant to say this type of screening will be used to note early development of Schizo, but there is hope that with early diagnosis, earlier treatment is not far off.