Don't let Mental Illness leave you grounded

Recently we took a trip back to the United States from Australia.  For those who have never done that sort of flight let’s just say it’s not for the faint of heart.  A rough total of 23 hours in the air and another 10+ hours in layovers take a lot out of you, not only physically but for those who live with mental illness, mentally as well. 

Preparation is the key to it all, making sure medications are packed and are taken as close to normal time as possible.  That is probably the easiest part, the rest can leave you feeling off, confused, tired, depressed, and manic and in some cases psychotic.  I know it does not seem like it’s worth it, but travelling is a chance to see the world and the sacrifices that are made are worth it if taken care of in the right way.  We were not made to stay in one place, there is so much to explore and experience that our mental health should not keep us from that.  However, having these illnesses can add an element of difficulty, especially when they involve long flights and most importantly a lack of preparation.

Sadly I fell into the latter category; I was ill prepared for the trip, mentally.  I had lists for what needed to be packed, papers printed for hotels, car rental, site seeing, flights and visas.  I had an itinerary planned and ready to go and waited impatiently for the day to come.  We even arrived at the airport 90 minutes before it opened.  

What I didn’t plan for, however, was my mental health. I knew in the back of my mind that it could become an issue, lack of sleep and a disruption of a regular routine has been known to cause me problems in the past.  I told myself that was in the past, I was smarter now and could handle this without a problem.  I knew jet lag would be an issue, but with a little sleep and some down time there would be no problems, turns out that I was only half right. 

Flying to U.S. was OK, jet lag was minimal – though I was tired – I felt good and we had a fantastic time visiting New York City.  I had never been to Central Park or Time Square so I felt like a little kid exploring for the first time.   We visited with friends, toured the battlefields of Gettysburg and did a little shopping.    All this made the fact that I was tired seem irrelevant, there was so much to see and do I was on top of the world.

When the time came to return back Australia, I hoped it be just as easy.  I would love to be able to say it happened that way, but after four days of being back home, I have not slept for more than 5 or 6 hours a night, I’m irritable, moody, depressed, hypo-manic and fear psychosis isn’t far behind.   The emotions of visiting my home left me with feelings of nostalgia and the emotions of coming to terms with who I am now.  I looked forward to returning to work when we returned, but since we live in a resort town winter is very slow and it is possible I will be out of work for the next 3 months.  Put all these things together and I am struggling to find my footing once again.  All the progress I made over the last year seems to have dissipated over the Pacific Ocean.  I am struggling to focus and return to a schedule and routine that I am familiar with and helps me be the person I want to be, the writer, photographer and person who loves life and battles the demons with strength and determination. 

I do not say these things to deter anyone from travelling, it is actually the opposite.  I want people to know that, yes travel can be a challenge if not handled correctly.  There is planning that needs to be done not only with what you will pack and things you will do, but also how you will handle jet lag or a disruption in your daily routine.  These two topics alone should be at the top of the list when preparing for a trip.  It is very easy for a slight relapse to make a huge difference not only in your holiday, but in the return home as well. 

Remembering who you are, you're not your illness.

If you change the wording a little, "Can you remember who you were, before mental illness told you who to be?"  Does it sound a little more familiar? 

I can, I have always been a creative person.  I remember being 10 years old sitting on my bedroom floor making clothes for my Barbie's, or swinging on the front porch writing stories.  I always had a book with me; spending summer vacations reading as many books as I could, the hours at the library made me feel alive.  It was seen as the dabbling of a child though; no one put much thought into it or asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up.  I was told I was going to college and I would get a degree, get a job, get married and have babies.  I called their bluff, however, and enlisted in the military; I wanted to be on my own, away from the world I knew.  It never stopped my love of writing though, I continued - only no one knew.  I kept it too myself, my secret, the person I really was.

Mental illness changes many things in life and it can be difficult to silence the voices that say this is as good as it will be, the past is over, the person who was, can no longer be.  These are the lies that are transmitted with a diagnosis.  It feels as if, with the doctor’s words, comes a badge that tells us nothing will ever be the same again.

While there is some truth to this way of thinking, it's not the whole story.  A diagnosis of mental illness will change the future, that is true, but it cannot take away your past, the person you are deep inside.   There will be new challenges, an unseen battle of the mind that can make the days more difficult, but it does not mean that you are different as a whole person; it is merely a different way of living and looking at the world. 

This idea, however, does not come easy.  With such a diagnosis there is the immediate fear of stigma and being ashamed, both of which are society’s perception.  Life seems different and there is the question of how it will be now, medication, doctor visits, therapy.  Do I tell people? Friends, family, work colleagues?  These questions themselves are enough to add to the anxiety, but taking a step back can help bring it into perspective.  

If a friend came to you and said they had received a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, what would you do?  Think about that for a minute, what is the first thing you would do?   For most of us we would hope that we would be supportive, and there is no doubt we would be, but would there be a second of doubt and uncertainty?  Would you question, maybe for the first time who this person is?  Have they changed in your eyes? 

Now, look in the mirror - do you have these same questions about yourself?  The diagnosis of mental illness not only creates doubt and uncertainty in those around us, but in ourselves as well.  That is why we need to sit back and remember who we truly are, the person deep inside, whom we are at our core.  

Growing up you may have wanted to be an artist, but society told you that it was not a lucrative career path, were they wrong, or was it only their opinion?  With this new diagnosis, it will also be their opinion that you will hear.  Maybe now will be the perfect time to start a new career, follow that dream you always thought you couldn't have.  It can be seen as a new lease on life, a new beginning.  

While this total shift in careers or life may not be possible for everyone, it does offer the chance to explore what is inside of us a little more.  Creating a stronger and more resilient person than we ever thought we could be.  

Mental Health and Positivty - A New Beginning

There are plenty of mental health blogs, most focusing on what can go wrong and how to fix it.  Why not focus on the positive side of the illness?  I've decided to take a different approach in how I look at not only my mental illness, but what I write about as well.  We need to see the best thing when seeking stability and a way to handle most illnesses is to focus on positivity.

 I received the diagnoses of  Bipolar Disorder with psychotic features, Anxiety and PTSD.  In the past 20 years I've tried endless medications, treatments, seen therapists and hospitalizations.  While the doctors mean well and are good at what they do, we are responsible for our health and treatment. 

Yes, I take my medication, I won’t stop that because it helps keep me stable, but I know that is not the total answer.  It is time for a new focus and a more positive way of looking at this illness many feel will take away our life.  It won’t, often it will give you more than you ever imagined.   

When the focus is on the positive and we discover our talents, our life becomes one of joy and stability. I hope you will join me on this journey of discovery and wellness.  

A is for Awe - A to Z Blog Challenge

The world is full of moments that leave us breathless and in awe of everything around us.  I walk the beaches of Florida, watching the waves crash, the sunrise and I stand in awe of the majesty of it all.  Yet, as I walk the shoreline my mind wanders to not so much the beauty of what is around me, but what my brain has challenged me with the awesome doctors who have helped me.

There was a time when I would not have been able to enjoy the scenery, mental illness is my nemesis, the thing that takes joy from me and yet leaves me in awe all at the same time.  It is the doctors that amaze me most, while I have had my share of questionable characters my current psychiatrist has saved my life and continues to do so each day with his knowledge and continued research on the best ways to treat those with these illnesses, especially with my extensive list of medications I can’t take due to side effects. 

This may seem minor to most, being amazed by a doctor’s ability is not something that is thought of often, but for me it is a daily occurrence.  And while medication does help, there is more to this than meets the eye.  The news blames many things on those with mental illness and the fact that they have not taken their medication, but there is more to it.  Medication is not the only way to treat these illnesses. 

In the journal Emotion it is mentioned that positive emotions like awe can reduce depression, and give us an connection and sense of meaning in our lives.  There are three main ways to find awe in our lives each day. 

First think of a special time in your life, where were you? Who were you with? What did if feel like?  Being able to reminisce about these moments helps us connect with the good things in our life.

Second like the beginning of my post says, seek out the beauty that is all around us.  A nature in the park or through the woods can calm the mind and inspire you and make you feel better. 

Third find the awesome in those around you, spend time with those inspire you and you are able to share special moments with, such as winning a competition. 

I came up with the idea for this post after I read an article on Psychcentral.com and knew it would be the perfect post to begin the challenge with.  After all, what we will accomplish in the next month to many will nothing short of awesome.  

After the April Blog challenge #atozblogchallenge

April brought the opportunity to let my voice be heard in the area of mental health, the struggles, misconceptions, treatments and simple thoughts of my own.  I struggled through some of it; the challenge was trying to find things that began with each letter, but in the end, it came together.   I did take a small break after the challenge to recharge my battery, so to speak and decide where to go from here.  What I learned during the month of April though was this……………. 

Mental Health Stigma will always be with us, as people, we fear what we do not know and cannot understand.  The easiest thing to do is walk away and whisper to others what we fear the most about the illnesses.  As one who lives with Mental illness, it is a heartbreaking thing to see, I speak for everyone; I believe, when I say we are just like everyone else; you would be surprised to know the truth about these illnesses and what they do and don’t do a person. 

For some of this, I blame the media; they are first to mention mental illness as the cause for any act of violence that occurs, when it most likely had nothing to do with the event, but it is the perfect scapegoat for what was done, after all. How could anyone really cause such pain to others?  It is for this reason that I rarely watch the news anymore; it makes me angry on so many levels. 

Now that I have put it out there about my illness, it is time be more open and share the ups and downs, the struggles and triumphs of my battle in the hopes it will help others know they are no longer alone in this world, and you do not have to hide.  

I am interested in what you think about the issue of stigma and mental health and if there are certain topics you would like to see covered here.  

Mental Illness and Violence are not related

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There is the assumption that everyone with a mental illness is or will become violent, but it is most commonly used as an excuse for what someone has done.  In turn it adds to the ever-present stigma that comes with a diagnosis of mental illness.  

According to research done at Oxford University it was found that two of the most serious psychiatric disorders, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder - can lead to bouts of delusions, hallucinations and loss of contact with reality; however, these conditions are not an indicator for potential for violence.  In research done with more than 20,000 people in 2009 showed that the probability of violence was greater in those with who were abusing drugs and alcohol, then those with a mental illness.  Mental illness is more often used to explain violence and is over reported by the media with blatant false information.  These reporting’s make it nearly impossible to change the impression of the general public.  Heaven forbid people should be responsible for their own actions.    

Everyone has a tendency to be violent given the right circumstances, so to blame an illness is incorrect. Knowing how the brain works in these instances is crucial.  My dad was a paranoid schizophrenic who refused medical care; he used drugs and alcohol instead - in theory making him a triple threat in the area of being violent (according to the research and the general public) in reality; he was only a danger to himself.  Becoming a recluse he died alone in his bathroom of a massive heart attack.    

We have become a society of blaming  others or incidents for what we do.  It is rarely our own fault.  Look in the news and you will see celebrities who when caught in adultery immediately claim they have a sexual addiction and are seeking treatment. Really??  How about being honest and stating the truth, you can't be faithful and are looking for a way out.  Nearly anyone in a high-profile job or having celebrity status immediately turns to the mental illness genre for the reason for their actions.  Since we tend to idolize these people we immediately believe it is ok and everyone jumps on the band wagon.  What this does to those who truly live with these illnesses, it undermines there condition and hopes for recovery and becoming an accepted member of society.    

To put things into perspective soccer fans are more likely to be violent during a soccer match, but the person in general would never be seen as violent, but simply a fan.  This is true, as a soccer parent for 14 years, the game itself and the parents/fans watching can become very volatile.  It is a high pressure, emotional game that is taken very, very seriously.  In reality, statistics show that 1 in 14.3 million people will be killed by a person with schizophrenia, while you are three times more likely to be killed by a lightning strike at home.    

One of the worst things is to admit being mentally ill so it is kept quiet, and we suffer in silence because if anyone found out, we know we would be ostracized.  The general public would be surprised at the number people they associate with each day with some sort of mental illness, including the two most serious disorders, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia.  Before you judge someone, make sure you know who they really are, what is truly behind their actions and how you may be able to help them. 

Related articles

• A physiological marker for false memories (guardian.co.uk)
• Prejudice and Stigma Surrounding Mental Illness (godplacedherinmypath.wordpress.com)

I have Depression and I am alive!

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For those with mental illness, from the time the words come out of the doctor’s mouth it seems to define who you are, the illness becomes all you think about, hear about and write about. It seems to take over your every waking moment – but in the midst of it all, you can’t forget who you are, yet that seems to be the first thing we lose – our identity.

Some of that may come from society in general, mental illness, to them, is who we are. They can’t see past the words, the image, and the actions.

What we need to do is to remind them that we are people, no matter what. We just fight to show people the true face of mental illness – wouldn’t they be surprised if saw the truth.

If you live with severe depression, or know someone who does keep these things in mind – write a note to them, or to yourself to remind you who you are, the person that is inside because there will be days when you will find yourself lost and wondering where your life is going.

Make 2012 the beginning of your life, not the end of the world

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Coming to a realization is freeing and brings a sense of life back into your soul.  That is what a walk in the park does for me and what I have missed for so long.  I feel I lost a year trying to figure out who I was and the best path for me.  I tried to be what everyone else wanted, to close off my feelings, to stop living, to stop dreaming and believing in all that is possible in this world.

 Standing up for oneself is often one of the most difficult things to do, and for some reason, we fight it tooth and nail, for fear that we will be seen as arrogant or self-centered.  When we are actually taking care of ourselves like no one else ever could or will.   

 We are a society that depends on what others tell us and believe about us.  We want acceptance and to know that others approve of what we are doing no matter how much it hurts us or tears us down.  What would happen if we truly believed in ourselves, in what we were capable of and in what we believed about ourselves, deep down, in that place no one ever sees?  We would be a greater society because we would be honest and lives in the greatest sense of the world.

 Alive is my word for the new year, alive in my ideas, my beliefs, my dreams and above all in my life.  Being alive, truly alive is something we don't think about, we are focused all too often on surviving, existing, everything but living.   need to live to truly be who we are if no we are merely a shell, arobot created for work to accomplish someone else's goals. Breaking out of the shell lets the life breath into our soul, rejuvenating us and opening our eyes to a new world of hope, promise and wonder. Start 2012 with a promise to be Alive!

2010 - Can I have a do over?

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I sit here realizing, mostly with a sense of relief that 2010 is over. The last 12 months have not been my friend, for the most part. While there are always good things that happen, as a whole 2010 was a bust. I look back at the last 10 years and see so many changes and see where I was then and where I am now and know I have come a long way and there is still a long way to go.

10 years ago we returned to the Northeast after 5 years in Texas. It was a tough move, I love the south, and I love Texas. Though I was born and raised in the Northeast I have never been a fan of the winters, I am a warm weather person – period! In the last 10 years my girls have grown up, I am no longer consumed daily by their care. My oldest, now 21 has a daughter of her own, my middle daughter (soon to be 20), is working, lives with her boyfriend and is going to school, and the youngest (who turns 18 in a couple weeks) is getting ready to head out to college. It has become easier for me to find time for myself, for what I long to be in my life and pursue my interests and dreams – well, that is the theory. It has been hard to do though, 21 years of child rearing is hard to break, and finding me again has been difficult. I know where I am and what I desire, but I find it difficult to give myself permission to go there, to that place.

I have learned a lot about my capabilities in the last 10 years. I lived in my illness for so long, “knowing” I was not able to do much, I had to control every aspect of my day, my life, my illness and stress would certainly destroy me. That idea was challenged and destroyed time and time again over the last few years. While my illness does run my life at times, it is always there – reminding me of its presence, I am able now to outsmart it and keep going with minimal down time. I have been pushed beyond myself imposed boundaries, and accomplished more than I thought I could. I can’t say that I always liked it and I would love to do things more my way, but it has stretched my way of thinking and my thoughts of what I was capable of.

It is in these things, however, that I also lost myself. In trying to overcome and tackle the challenges in front of me, I let go to the way side many of the things that I lived for, that fed my soul and made me who I was and am. In 2010, my writing fell to the wayside – the longing to put words to paper tear at me, my school work fell to the wayside, and my dreams became lost in the business of work and life. I lost that part of me and long to retrieve it more than anything. To find the balance, to be the person I know I am, the person putting the words to paper.

My photography also fell away, for the same reason – the necessity of other things took over. I regret those moments, the loss I feel now and what could have been. I find myself jealous of those who have the time or are given the time to pursue their dreams, ideas, schooling while it seems the rest of us are here to sit back and merely dream and watch from the sidelines.

I realize this is how I see 2010, as a whole and what I see as my goal for 2011. To undo what I saw happen in 2010, to regain me and live for myself and the person God chose me to be. Yes, I lost some of my faith during 2010 as well, lost to the busyness and necessity of survival. The days passed by me and left me behind wondering where I went over the last 365 days.

Tomorrow at midnight I will welcome 2011; I will look it in the eye and say, “Let’s start out the right way, let’s work together and be who we are supposed to be.” A new decade, a new beginning, a new life and a new dream, a new story to be written.

Mental Health and College

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I took the plunge in 1998 and went back to school, my goal? A degree in psychology, I was finally living my dream. Many people may say that my past dictated my degree choice, which may be true. I wanted to know how it happened, what could be done a how we get this way. I would have the answers and could use them to help those who are where I was.

It didn’t take long though to see my ideas about psychology were not quite right. The background, the reasons for ones actions were clear, but as we began the study of disorders I became less and less comfortable with my choice of degrees. I found that everywhere I turned there was a “label,” a name for what we were feeling. There was no escaping it.

I hated the labels, that’s all it was labels. These names given to a feeling, action, attitude or outburst could create a persons future with no say from them.

Maybe it was personal but I began to feel that’s it all we were, all those of us with Mental Illness were a number, a label, an experiment and report. We weren’t people, the goal was to give a name, add medication and find the reason for the actions. This bothered me. I wanted to help others without labeling them, I wanted to listen and help them feel human again. How could I do that while being told I had to give a name to how it affected her/him?

At the worst times in my life, when I was having flashbacks and going through therapy I didn’t care about what the diagnosis was, I cared about making it through the day, the night, and the next day and continue that cycle until I could breathe again.

With this knowledge I changed my mind; I changed my major to social work and moved forward. Of course when we moved, I lost some of my transcript and well, 10 years later I am back at square one and have decided that I do not need a piece of paper to help others – my experience, my desire to help them find their way is enough. I can be myself, be real and honest – exactly what they need.

Don’t fall for the labels, don’t play into them. I have a label of Bipolar disorder and because of my abusive childhood doctors have added to that, but it doesn’t matter. MY bipolar medication keeps me in check, giving me the ability to continue my work.