Don't let Mental Illness leave you grounded

Recently we took a trip back to the United States from Australia.  For those who have never done that sort of flight let’s just say it’s not for the faint of heart.  A rough total of 23 hours in the air and another 10+ hours in layovers take a lot out of you, not only physically but for those who live with mental illness, mentally as well. 

Preparation is the key to it all, making sure medications are packed and are taken as close to normal time as possible.  That is probably the easiest part, the rest can leave you feeling off, confused, tired, depressed, and manic and in some cases psychotic.  I know it does not seem like it’s worth it, but travelling is a chance to see the world and the sacrifices that are made are worth it if taken care of in the right way.  We were not made to stay in one place, there is so much to explore and experience that our mental health should not keep us from that.  However, having these illnesses can add an element of difficulty, especially when they involve long flights and most importantly a lack of preparation.

Sadly I fell into the latter category; I was ill prepared for the trip, mentally.  I had lists for what needed to be packed, papers printed for hotels, car rental, site seeing, flights and visas.  I had an itinerary planned and ready to go and waited impatiently for the day to come.  We even arrived at the airport 90 minutes before it opened.  

What I didn’t plan for, however, was my mental health. I knew in the back of my mind that it could become an issue, lack of sleep and a disruption of a regular routine has been known to cause me problems in the past.  I told myself that was in the past, I was smarter now and could handle this without a problem.  I knew jet lag would be an issue, but with a little sleep and some down time there would be no problems, turns out that I was only half right. 

Flying to U.S. was OK, jet lag was minimal – though I was tired – I felt good and we had a fantastic time visiting New York City.  I had never been to Central Park or Time Square so I felt like a little kid exploring for the first time.   We visited with friends, toured the battlefields of Gettysburg and did a little shopping.    All this made the fact that I was tired seem irrelevant, there was so much to see and do I was on top of the world.

When the time came to return back Australia, I hoped it be just as easy.  I would love to be able to say it happened that way, but after four days of being back home, I have not slept for more than 5 or 6 hours a night, I’m irritable, moody, depressed, hypo-manic and fear psychosis isn’t far behind.   The emotions of visiting my home left me with feelings of nostalgia and the emotions of coming to terms with who I am now.  I looked forward to returning to work when we returned, but since we live in a resort town winter is very slow and it is possible I will be out of work for the next 3 months.  Put all these things together and I am struggling to find my footing once again.  All the progress I made over the last year seems to have dissipated over the Pacific Ocean.  I am struggling to focus and return to a schedule and routine that I am familiar with and helps me be the person I want to be, the writer, photographer and person who loves life and battles the demons with strength and determination. 

I do not say these things to deter anyone from travelling, it is actually the opposite.  I want people to know that, yes travel can be a challenge if not handled correctly.  There is planning that needs to be done not only with what you will pack and things you will do, but also how you will handle jet lag or a disruption in your daily routine.  These two topics alone should be at the top of the list when preparing for a trip.  It is very easy for a slight relapse to make a huge difference not only in your holiday, but in the return home as well. 

A Lesson I Keep Having to Learn and Relearn

In a perfect world we act, sometimes wrong, and when we do we learn not to do that action again.  We move on with life not really thinking about it again, chalking it up to one of life’s learning moments.

There are times though when, for me, that doesn’t always work.  There is that intellectual part of my brain that tells me, “You shouldn’t do that, you know what is going to happen and it’s time to step back and think first.”  Then there is a other side of the brain, the one that thinks it knows better and can control  everything, that  tells me, ”Don’t worry, we got this.”

Seems complicated, doesn’t it, actually it’s quite simple and it is in that simplicity that I lose myself and my logical thinking.  With my mental health challenges I know that I need to take care of myself in every way possible, the right amount of sleep, eat right, exercise, take my medication, but most of all I need to listen to my body and what my mind is telling me.  This lesson is one that was brought to the forefront recently and set me back a bit.

Working a part time job four or five days a week is OK, the hours are good and I have plenty of down time and freedom to focus on what I need to do.  However, a couple weeks ago they became shorthanded at work and asked me to come in on my two days off.  Of course I jumped at the chance, two extra days of pay, how could I turn that down.  My mind right away went to how much I could make with the additional days, what we would be able to do with the extra money – that was the focus, the extra money.  I wasn’t thinking about the affect it was going to have on me both mentally and eventually physically as well.  My normal five days suddenly turned into 12 days, it wasn’t until day 8 that it hit me and I realized what I mistake I made!   I had gone against my better judgement. 

Eight days in I was physically exhausted, I still believed I could do it, finish the next four with no problem, I had blocked the tiredness out of my head – dissociated you could say and kept moving.   When I finished my assigned days, I had two days off and collapsed.  I enjoyed the days off and knew that after that I would be on again for five more days. 

That’s when it hit me, I woke up that morning for work and a weight was on my chest.  The world was coming at me from every direction, conversations I’d had recently had suddenly became scenarios in my head where I was wrong and would be chastised for, and no good to anyone.  I was in the midst of a major anxiety attack.   For the first time in many months I took my anxiety medicine and went to work, wanting nothing more than to just be alone and let this pass, and jump start my brain again.

As you can imagine this is not the first time I have done this, felt I could take on the world and have no repercussions, and sadly it probably won’t be the last.  Each time, however, I can only hope that I get a little stronger, a little smarter and maybe a little wiser and know that I need to listen to not only my body, but my mind.  In my case, my mind is what is most important, if that happens to short circuit, the whole wall will tumble down and it will often take days to try and build it back up to try again.

Oddly enough, yes, there is a positive side to this.  I am learning, slowly and with encouragement that I need to take better care of myself.  Look at the bigger picture, i.e. myself, not what a few extra days of work will do for the bank account, think of what it will do to me.  It’s not selfish, its self care and knowing what it will take to stay well and available for friends, family and life in general. 

Remembering who you are, you're not your illness.

If you change the wording a little, "Can you remember who you were, before mental illness told you who to be?"  Does it sound a little more familiar? 

I can, I have always been a creative person.  I remember being 10 years old sitting on my bedroom floor making clothes for my Barbie's, or swinging on the front porch writing stories.  I always had a book with me; spending summer vacations reading as many books as I could, the hours at the library made me feel alive.  It was seen as the dabbling of a child though; no one put much thought into it or asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up.  I was told I was going to college and I would get a degree, get a job, get married and have babies.  I called their bluff, however, and enlisted in the military; I wanted to be on my own, away from the world I knew.  It never stopped my love of writing though, I continued - only no one knew.  I kept it too myself, my secret, the person I really was.

Mental illness changes many things in life and it can be difficult to silence the voices that say this is as good as it will be, the past is over, the person who was, can no longer be.  These are the lies that are transmitted with a diagnosis.  It feels as if, with the doctor’s words, comes a badge that tells us nothing will ever be the same again.

While there is some truth to this way of thinking, it's not the whole story.  A diagnosis of mental illness will change the future, that is true, but it cannot take away your past, the person you are deep inside.   There will be new challenges, an unseen battle of the mind that can make the days more difficult, but it does not mean that you are different as a whole person; it is merely a different way of living and looking at the world. 

This idea, however, does not come easy.  With such a diagnosis there is the immediate fear of stigma and being ashamed, both of which are society’s perception.  Life seems different and there is the question of how it will be now, medication, doctor visits, therapy.  Do I tell people? Friends, family, work colleagues?  These questions themselves are enough to add to the anxiety, but taking a step back can help bring it into perspective.  

If a friend came to you and said they had received a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, what would you do?  Think about that for a minute, what is the first thing you would do?   For most of us we would hope that we would be supportive, and there is no doubt we would be, but would there be a second of doubt and uncertainty?  Would you question, maybe for the first time who this person is?  Have they changed in your eyes? 

Now, look in the mirror - do you have these same questions about yourself?  The diagnosis of mental illness not only creates doubt and uncertainty in those around us, but in ourselves as well.  That is why we need to sit back and remember who we truly are, the person deep inside, whom we are at our core.  

Growing up you may have wanted to be an artist, but society told you that it was not a lucrative career path, were they wrong, or was it only their opinion?  With this new diagnosis, it will also be their opinion that you will hear.  Maybe now will be the perfect time to start a new career, follow that dream you always thought you couldn't have.  It can be seen as a new lease on life, a new beginning.  

While this total shift in careers or life may not be possible for everyone, it does offer the chance to explore what is inside of us a little more.  Creating a stronger and more resilient person than we ever thought we could be.  

What a Wallaby taught me about Bipolar Disorder.

 

Have you ever had a moment when things become a little clearer, you could relate a specific incident to what you were feeling?  I had one of those moments this morning; it was heart wrenching but triggered something in my mind, I suddenly realized that I was not alone in my struggle and I could learn something everyday on how this illness works and what others do to live with it and make the right decisions, or even how to live with the bad ones.  

 It was 6am, and I was driving to the beach for a sunrise walk, thinking of the sand, the sun and the quiet during the morning, when I saw them – the Wallabies  One hopped causally across the road; I slowed down knowing there was probably another not far behind.  Sure enough he was on the side of the road trying to decide if he should cross.   As we watched each other, he turned  back into the bush, or so I thought.   Watching him return to where he’d come from I continued on – well, he had a last second change of heart and turned to road as I drove past him, the two of us meeting in a split second, and I couldn’t stop.   I felt the bump, and in that moment and my heart sank.   I slowed looking in my mirror terrified at what I would see and what I had done.   However, he wasn’t there!   Where had he gone?  I was sure I had hit him.  

 So, what does this have to with Bipolar Disorder, you ask?   As I walked down the beach, thinking over the incident just moments before, I realized the Wallaby was as confused as I am sometimes, turning back and forth, not sure of the next step to take.  My mind jumbled, turning in circles as I figure out my following move.

 Hiding in the bush wondering if he should come out, is like hiding in a dark room afraid to go outside, to let people in.  What will they think?  If they see will they stop and talk, or will they just walk by.

 Standing on the side of the road deciding what to do, is the spinning mind and the uncertainty that plagues everyday actions.   Too many days are spent wondering what to do with the racing thoughts, wishing they would stop and focus to be on a single moment and action, if only for a few minutes.

Tires catching his tail are the risks taken – both good and bad.   When incorrect decisions are made, there are people who are hurt; there is a feeling of helplessness and seemingly no way to make it better.  The good is when a risk is taken and can stand tall, no matter the pain and press on determined to do the right thing. 

Wallabies, Kangaroos, Wombats and various other wildlife find their way on to the roads, and their struggle with survival, taking chances, relying on instinct to make the right decision is relatable to those with mental illness and challenges faced daily.   

There is no doubt. I will look more closely from this day forward, though that isn’t a guarantee of it not happening again, just like each cycle, I go through – as mania and depression collide – I will at some point come face to face with an obstacle along the road.

 

 

Creative Outlets to Battle Depression

One of the greatest outlets I found in expressing what I was feeling, the good and bad, was expressing myself creatively.  While I was accustomed writing and had kept a journal for years, other creative outlets were also available.  I found there was more freedom and opportunities to express myself and create something that could be shared with others.  I’ve always been a creative person; books were my refuge growing up, and writing was my way of expressing myself and making sense of the thoughts that would lodge themselves in my mind. 

In time, I realized I could put the two together, adding words what I was seeing either through a drawing, or more often photography.  While I tried my hand at drawing, I knew rather quickly it was not my forte, a talent I was not given.  The camera, however, let me express myself, how I see the world and at the same time help me focus my energy on something positive. It intrigued me and became a passion. 

 

I could take my camera and see what I was missing, I mean really missing.  The sunrise, sunset, the way the water moved across the river or the waves crashed onto the beach during a storm.  Each picture told a story, held an image that could explain a feeling, a thought, a memory, hope and promise of a new tomorrow. 

There are many mornings when the last thing I want to do was get out of bed, but I get up, grab my camera and I'm out the door.  Often I merely throw on a pair of sweat pants and a sweatshirt, glamorous I know, but I say this to show that it’s not easy; I would be horrified for someone to see me.  However, as the sun would rise, I began to shoot, moving from one spot to another to catch the reflection of the sky on the water, or the seagulls taking flight against the sunrise.  I would stand in one spot for 10 minutes or more waiting for the waves to crash on the rocks in just the right way.  Excitement was suddenly driving me to find something that no one had seen before.

Once I returned home, I would put the memory card in my computer and find I took 200 or more photos.  Then the real fun began – looking at each one hoping I could achieve what I had set out to do.  The pictures would give me a sense of purpose.

Some may say I am still hiding, using my writing and photography as a cover, but what I see is a way to bring joy to others, along with showing that sometimes even on the darkest days, pen and paper, or a camera could be just what the doctor ordered.

With some apprehension, I have begun to my photos on social media (www.instagram.com/minds.eye.photo) and have been surprised by the response.  What began as a way to clear my mind and battle my depression, is becoming a business and one I hope to be able to use to show, not only those with mental illness, but everyone, that there is hope and that there are many positive ways to combat the demons we face and see the beauty in life.  Let's be honest, whether you have an illness or not, there are days when you may find yourself depressed and frustrated, we are all the same. 

I don’t claim to have all the answers, I know what has helped for me, and I hope it can work for others.  It is not fool proof, yes there are days when it gets the best of me, and I may not move from the couch, but I also know that there is hope, and it is possible to beat what takes away our lives.

Light versus Dark in Mental Illness

As I sit on the rocks overlooking the sea everything seems possible.  Such beauty in the water, calm and serene one moment, crashing ashore the next with all its power.  Clouds come from every direction.  The dark and the light meeting in the middle, vying for control bringing out the beauty in each other.

I have learned that each side tells a story.  One that I need to listen to, to understand the illness I live with and must face each day.

The darkness whispers in my ear, “I am too strong for you, I cannot be beaten.”  In that moment I believe, faith in myself falls to the wayside and I wonder if I will ever be “normal,” again.   My anxiety increases as I look the cloud in the eye, I know it is right I am not strong enough for this.  Sadness overtakes me and I slide down the wall, sit on the floor and wonder how I got here.

Just when I am ready to give up the sun speaks up, “Are you going to let the dark control you? Are you not going to fight?”  I look up, the brightness makes me smile, yet I am skeptical.  Can it be that simple?  Walking outside I feel the warmth on my face and the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks.  I start to remember how far I’ve come, and what I have done to fight this battle and survive.

The sun smiles and the cloud rumbles in defeat.  I look at them knowing they will always have a place inside me; they will battle each other again and again.  That I cannot deny.  While each believes in their power, I have to know who I am and what I can do when the dark cloud stops by to talk for a while. I cannot give into his lies and defeating attitude.  The sun shines on my face, my guide to battle the darkness, bringing me to the place I need to be.  The healthy, confident person I have worked for and to be an advocate for others.  

Mental Health and the Supportive Partner

In early January 2016, while corresponding with a friend in Tasmania, I told him of my mental illness.  Being that open and honest and sharing my story with someone was terrifying.  Once I hit send, I was more than terrified at the email I would receive in return.  Would we still be friends, would I receive an email back at all?  I feared rejection, but it never came.  Instead  he asked questions and never judged me.  He listened to what I had to say, being more inquisitive than anything.  So, he did his own research and learned all he could on Bipolar Disorder and what he could do to support me. 

Here is what I wrote:  

In, '96 I attempted suicide and spent 3 weeks in the hospital. While there I received the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, anxiety and PTSD.  My mental illness is hereditary, my father was paranoid schizophrenic.  He never sought treatment and was a wanderer. My mom tells me I am just like him.  He passed away in 1999, a victim of his illness. 

I need my medication, it's reality and not a big deal to me anymore. There are days that are bad and days when the world is perfect.

Over the next few months, our relationship grew and we made the decision for me to make the move to Tasmania.  There was concern, of course, on how I would handle the change, mentally.  As we talked, we came up with a word, something I would say when I was anxious, depressed - when I needed help.  Our trigger word became, "home." A word that would bring the help I needed to combat the darkness and anxiety that  crept in when I least expected it. 

My biggest challenge was that I was alone and dependent on my partner.  I missed my family and friends, and some days wondered if I had made the right move.  I would go for a walk and see what was around me, the beaches, breathtaking sunrises and the love of my partner.  I knew it would not be easy at first, I had made a major change in my life, disrupted my structure and had to learn a new life.  In the first weeks I learned to drive on the opposite side of the road, a new money system and met friendly people.  Though I think some were more intrigued with the American in town.  

A few days ago I woke up depressed,  I didn't want to be out of bed, all I wanted to do was cry and I felt completely alone.  I picked up my phone and not realizing what I was saying, texted "I love you, hurry home."  Within ten minutes my phone was ringing, I had said "home."   In that moment I knew I wasn't alone, he comforted me and told me to get dressed and go for a walk, get some fresh air.  Two hours later, after a 2 1/2 mile walk, my mind was clearer and I was able to face the rest of the day.   I realized then that everything we had planned for, was working and I could ask for the help I needed. 

The message here is, find people who will support you, whether it is a spouse, friend or other family member.  Talk with them, tell them what you need when things are not going well, make a plan for what to do in those instances.  Plans need to be in place before a depressive or manic episode takes over.  This is when you will need a support person to help you find your way through the cloud of confusion.  

Taking the Positive Road to Wellness

The biggest obstacle when it comes to mental illness is often times staying positive.  How can you be positive when each day seems  like an uphill battle instead  of a pleasant experience?  The answer may not be easy, but it is possible

20 years ago when I received my diagnosis, I believed I could handle it. How ever, it took many years to be at a place where I could understand what the doctor's told me.  I'll be honest I still don't always listen, but I have a better understanding of what I need to do and how to stay well. 

The same mind that turned on me is the one that helps to keep me on the path to wellness.   Staying positive despite the symptoms that come with mental illness  but it is possible.  

1.  Surround yourself with people who are willing to listen to you, stand by you and lift up when you are down.  Hearing their positive words are difficult at times, but it's just what we need.  Don't push them away, no matter how much you want to, they are the ones who care and in time their words will make sense. 
2. Make time for yourself.  This one is  hard, as often we feel alone and the last thing we want is to be alone on purpose, but this is different.  Taking time for yourself, is doing what you want for yourself.  Forget about the world for awhile, find what makes you happy or what used to and do it.  You may have to push yourself at first, or even the first five times, but keep going.  The feeling of worth will come and boost your mood and confidence. 
3. Write! I can not express this one enough.  You do not need to be a famous novelist, or perfect with your handwriting and language, this is only for you.  Putting your thoughts on paper, helps clear your brain of all that clutters it up and brings us down. If you fear someone reading what you write, use a computer program that requires a password.  It is OK to be selfish at times. 
4. Get outside.  Yes, another big step!  Nature is one of the best anti-depressants there is.  In our 24/7 world, we do not get outside enough.  The demands of our lives, families and work take us away from what we need most.  Going for a walk a couple times a week will help you relax and clear your mind.  I used to walk quite often and looked forward to the freedom, but life took over and I stopped.  I saw the difference.  I am back now to hiking and the peace that comes with it is welcome. 
5. Go easy on yourself.   Easier said that done, I know.  We blame ourselves for this illness we live with, but it's not our fault. We didn't wish this on ourselves, like any illness some get it, some don't.  Society does not make it easy, the stigma keeps us quiet and hidden, it's not our fault.  Don't let their words take hold.  
6. Smile!  Even when you seem to have forgotten how to, smile.  It may feel fake, but do it everyday.
7. To me, the most important of all - Music!  Put on your headphones or turn up the radio and play your favorite songs and lose yourself in the melody, the lyrics.  Music has a power like no other, use it!

By taking care of ourselves  we have a much better chance of a positive life and once we have that, the sky is the limit.

“J” is for Journey #atozchallenge

“The hardest part of any journey is taking that  first step.”  How true this simple sentence is, we think, plan, speculate and worry, but it’s not until we take that step that we actually believe we can do what we are capable of.  

I thought it would be interesting to do some research and find out what the band  Journey had to say about this topic, and surprisingly, I found quite a bit that pertained to my life, my own journey and my desire for everyone with mental illness.  

 “Be Good to Yourself”  ‘Runnin’ out of self-control, Getting’ close to an overload, Up against a no win situation.’   ‘Be good to yourself when, nobody else will, Oh be good to yourself.  You're walkin' a high wire, caught in a cross fire, Oh be good to yourself’

There are far too many days when I do feel like I am up against the wall, that there is no way out, no hope for stability and peace of mind.  Then I remember, no one, not my doctor’s, friends or family can make my mind behave and do what I want.  They do not have the power or ability to create a new life for me, that I must do on my own.  I must take care of myself, do what is right for me even when others do not understand my actions, they do not have too; this is my circus.  

“Wheel in the Sky”  ‘Wheel in the sky keeps on turnin’, I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow, Wheel in the sky keeps on turnin’

 This is probably closest to what those with mental illness face each day, not knowing what the next minute will bring, will I want to give up or keep going?  Will I smile or cry? There is never a concrete answer to these questions, yet I ask them each day, hoping today will be the day that it all makes sense; that research comes through with a cure and the jumble of miss fired neurons in the brain finally settle and give life back to all those who were deprived of their proper function.  

“Don’t Stop Believing”  ‘Livin’ just to find emotion,  Hidin’ somewhere in the night’  

This, of course is the final thought and the most important, never stop believing that everything will be OK in the end, the sun will shine again and there will come a day when smiling is no longer a burden, but something done naturally.  We can’t stop speaking out, fighting for better mental health care, the battle to end the stigma of this illness.  Not believing isn’t an option, when the days are the darkest is when we need to remember what the words say,  be good to yourself and don’t stop believing.