I am Mentally Ill and I am angry

In the last month I feel as if I have broken a full house of mirrors, this amount of bad luck could only come from an act like that, or a full moon.  It began with the realization that the puppy that was such a part of life for the last four months would need to be rehomed.  It broke my heart, but knew it was best for her and me.  I then received news my mom’s cancer was no longer in remission and had begun to spread throughout her body.   The next day I had a doctor appointment, leading to have 2 separate ultrasounds done on my abdomen and pelvis.  After that I received news my daughter would be going for surgery to have cysts removed from her ovaries.   Just as I was beginning to breathe and contemplate the logistics of a trip back to the US, two more bombs were dropped on me as I received news my grandmother had passed away and a dear friend was in the final stages of cancer and would be going to hospice.

I found myself going through the motions of the day, I was going to work but wasn't really there.  I was finally talked into taking a couple days off to relax and focus on what was happening at the moment, I was clearly overwhelmed.  

I went for a walk on my first day off, and though it was cloudy, windy and chilly I climbed up and sat on one of the highest rocks overlooking the water.  It was there everything in my mind came pouring out, I didn't realize I had so much pent up anger and confusion going on inside of me.  It's no wonder I was stress and depression had taken over.  

After reading over what I had written I decided to share my writings, to give an inside look of what my Schizophrenic  ravaged brain tells itself on a nearly daily basis and for others to know they are not alone, whether they live with this illness or love someone who does.

I am angry:

Ø  I am angry at myself for being sick, or more closely mad at my brain for not being right and causing so much pain and disruption in life.  I want nothing more to have a good day, no anxiety, no sadness (often for no reason), and happiness without worrying if it will turn to mania.  I want to see the world without shadows and the sounds of psychosis.

Ø  I am angry at myself for loving a puppy, yet relieved to see her re-homed so I can relax again.  I am angry for the guilt I feel, so all I can do is cry.

Ø  I am angry that I cry nearly every day, sometimes because I have to force myself to go to work, to struggle through another 3 or 4 hours.  Something others would never think twice about is a struggle for me.  After 5 days I feel like I’ve been through a war and I’m overwhelmed and just want to hide and recover from what I saw as major battle.  Yet, I do it and I feel guilty because there are people who would give anything to have a job.   I continue on and if I am honest with myself, it is destroying me slowly.  

Ø  I am angry because I hear the talk at work about the things my co-workers put on Facebook, but I have never been asked to “be friends.” Then I realized, if they did friend me then they would know who I am.  That is something I do not want them to know.

Ø  I am angry that I need to take my medication, and do it merely out of habit, often wondering if it works anymore.  I’ve been taking it for so long, I’m not sure if I would know the difference really.  Even though I take it, I still get severely depressed, manic, have psychosis – so why take the meds – they obviously aren’t working.  Or maybe they are and even though it’s not stopping the symptoms, it could be worse.   Can’t imagine it really, it’s already hell.

Ø  I am angry and hate that I can’t share what on my mind all the time, I fear it – merely speaking the words of it all.  There are days when I don’t want to be positive, I want to sit in a corner and cry until it passes.  I want tell all the bad things in my head – that are nowhere near positive and as negative as you can get sometimes.  But I don’t, I tell myself I can merely think different and it will go away. 

Ø  I am angry that I lose my way so easily and my dreams are slipping away.   I’ve always had the idea of what life would be, I would write, share with my talents with the world.  Promote mental health, write stories and books.  Take pictures and use them to share the beauty of nature.  I would travel and experience the world as it’s meant to be, open and free.  While these ideas are still part of my life, I find it hard to achieve them when much of my time is spent merely surviving.

Ø  I am angry that the world is going on around me and I’m not really part of it, I go through the motions of living – though I don’t realize it at the time.   I wonder how much I am losing.

Ø  I am angry because I look at the sea and sometimes see only water; there are days when even the beauty is lost to me.   People come here for the breath taking views and beaches, but I see it and walk away. 

Ø  But most of all,  I am proud of myself, in at least in this instance, I didn't hide my anger and fear.  I let it out so that maybe someone else will do the same.   It’s not an easy ride for any of us, but together and by sharing our stories we can make it through. 

Creative Outlets to Battle Depression

One of the greatest outlets I found in expressing what I was feeling, the good and bad, was expressing myself creatively.  While I was accustomed writing and had kept a journal for years, other creative outlets were also available.  I found there was more freedom and opportunities to express myself and create something that could be shared with others.  I’ve always been a creative person; books were my refuge growing up, and writing was my way of expressing myself and making sense of the thoughts that would lodge themselves in my mind. 

In time, I realized I could put the two together, adding words what I was seeing either through a drawing, or more often photography.  While I tried my hand at drawing, I knew rather quickly it was not my forte, a talent I was not given.  The camera, however, let me express myself, how I see the world and at the same time help me focus my energy on something positive. It intrigued me and became a passion. 

 

I could take my camera and see what I was missing, I mean really missing.  The sunrise, sunset, the way the water moved across the river or the waves crashed onto the beach during a storm.  Each picture told a story, held an image that could explain a feeling, a thought, a memory, hope and promise of a new tomorrow. 

There are many mornings when the last thing I want to do was get out of bed, but I get up, grab my camera and I'm out the door.  Often I merely throw on a pair of sweat pants and a sweatshirt, glamorous I know, but I say this to show that it’s not easy; I would be horrified for someone to see me.  However, as the sun would rise, I began to shoot, moving from one spot to another to catch the reflection of the sky on the water, or the seagulls taking flight against the sunrise.  I would stand in one spot for 10 minutes or more waiting for the waves to crash on the rocks in just the right way.  Excitement was suddenly driving me to find something that no one had seen before.

Once I returned home, I would put the memory card in my computer and find I took 200 or more photos.  Then the real fun began – looking at each one hoping I could achieve what I had set out to do.  The pictures would give me a sense of purpose.

Some may say I am still hiding, using my writing and photography as a cover, but what I see is a way to bring joy to others, along with showing that sometimes even on the darkest days, pen and paper, or a camera could be just what the doctor ordered.

With some apprehension, I have begun to my photos on social media (www.instagram.com/minds.eye.photo) and have been surprised by the response.  What began as a way to clear my mind and battle my depression, is becoming a business and one I hope to be able to use to show, not only those with mental illness, but everyone, that there is hope and that there are many positive ways to combat the demons we face and see the beauty in life.  Let's be honest, whether you have an illness or not, there are days when you may find yourself depressed and frustrated, we are all the same. 

I don’t claim to have all the answers, I know what has helped for me, and I hope it can work for others.  It is not fool proof, yes there are days when it gets the best of me, and I may not move from the couch, but I also know that there is hope, and it is possible to beat what takes away our lives.

“S” is for Selfies #atozblogchallenge

It’s the new word for the 21^st century; the selfie has taken on a life of its own, and everyone is on board.  As I thought about what write for the letter S, this is what came to mind; pictures of ourselves that we share with the world.  The official definition of a selfie is, “ A selfie is a self-portrait photograph, typically taken with a hand-held digital camera or camera phone. Selfies are often shared on social networking services such as Instagram, Snapchat, and Tumblr. They are often casual, and are typically taken either with a camera held at arm's length or in a mirror.”

Today, everything is digital and we use that to our advantage.  There is the ability to touch up a picture before it is seen by anyone else, and lets us control how we are portrayed to the public.  The most popular photo now is the one we take of ourselves, or with us in a group we show who we are at that particular moment in time, no waiting anymore.  Surprisingly, though, this generation did not invent the selfie as we know it, the first photo was taken in 1839.  In 1900 with dawn of what was then new  technology, self-portraits  were taken by using a mirror, sound familiar?  

I think back to our amazement when Polaroid pictures were introduced, the idea of having instant pictures was more than we could have imagined then, and we took advantage of this new technology, yet the idea of taking photos of ourselves didn’t really come to mind.  First of all, there was no easy way to take a selfie then, and if you did it didn’t look right   No, I am from the days of the old 110 film and eventually 35mm, waiting days for the photos to come back from the developer and hoping they developed the way I had expected.  For me, there was a time of excitement and wonder as to what I would see when I opened the envelope and looked at each photo, remembering the moment in the time that it was taken. 

I am a fan of the digital, don’t get me wrong; I love having the ability to edit my photographs in various software programs until it looks just the way I want.  I do not think I would go back to regular film at this point; I have been spoiled.  I can wonder now what we will see in the future in term's photography, with the advances already made the sky seem to be the limit. 

I saw God today

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

It didn’t start out that, in fact just the opposite. I woke this morning to 2 inches of snow on the ground. Now, while it looks beautiful in the early morning, that’s about it.

I stepped outside ready to take in its beauty, but when my feet hit the still undisturbed snow I slipped landing on my butt, using my right hand to break my fall. It’s instinct, but usually does not end well. Now I sit here with a splint on my hand – nursing a sprained hand/thumb) could have been worse, so I am grateful.

It was later in the day when God arrived. I let our dog out in the back yard, and as he ran through the snow, enjoying the freedom, I felt peace. While it had snowed overnight, the day was warm and much of 2inches we had received had already melted. I stood in the yard looking at the sky, perfect blue, a few clouds and sun shining bright. I felt an amazing calm and joy – it wasn’t because of anyone thing, it was just peace in the moment.

I get excited about days like this because sometimes they are few and far between – so their arrival is cause for celebration and acknowledgment. In everything today I see life and hope, peace and what can be. I look at my photography, the pictures that hang in my office and I can see life in them, they speak to me. I can see again why I took the shot.

My doctor will be happy for this realization. Especially after I missed my appointment last week. (I wrote down the wrong day on my calendar)


I saw God today.