I am Mentally Ill and I am angry

In the last month I feel as if I have broken a full house of mirrors, this amount of bad luck could only come from an act like that, or a full moon.  It began with the realization that the puppy that was such a part of life for the last four months would need to be rehomed.  It broke my heart, but knew it was best for her and me.  I then received news my mom’s cancer was no longer in remission and had begun to spread throughout her body.   The next day I had a doctor appointment, leading to have 2 separate ultrasounds done on my abdomen and pelvis.  After that I received news my daughter would be going for surgery to have cysts removed from her ovaries.   Just as I was beginning to breathe and contemplate the logistics of a trip back to the US, two more bombs were dropped on me as I received news my grandmother had passed away and a dear friend was in the final stages of cancer and would be going to hospice.

I found myself going through the motions of the day, I was going to work but wasn't really there.  I was finally talked into taking a couple days off to relax and focus on what was happening at the moment, I was clearly overwhelmed.  

I went for a walk on my first day off, and though it was cloudy, windy and chilly I climbed up and sat on one of the highest rocks overlooking the water.  It was there everything in my mind came pouring out, I didn't realize I had so much pent up anger and confusion going on inside of me.  It's no wonder I was stress and depression had taken over.  

After reading over what I had written I decided to share my writings, to give an inside look of what my Schizophrenic  ravaged brain tells itself on a nearly daily basis and for others to know they are not alone, whether they live with this illness or love someone who does.

I am angry:

Ø  I am angry at myself for being sick, or more closely mad at my brain for not being right and causing so much pain and disruption in life.  I want nothing more to have a good day, no anxiety, no sadness (often for no reason), and happiness without worrying if it will turn to mania.  I want to see the world without shadows and the sounds of psychosis.

Ø  I am angry at myself for loving a puppy, yet relieved to see her re-homed so I can relax again.  I am angry for the guilt I feel, so all I can do is cry.

Ø  I am angry that I cry nearly every day, sometimes because I have to force myself to go to work, to struggle through another 3 or 4 hours.  Something others would never think twice about is a struggle for me.  After 5 days I feel like I’ve been through a war and I’m overwhelmed and just want to hide and recover from what I saw as major battle.  Yet, I do it and I feel guilty because there are people who would give anything to have a job.   I continue on and if I am honest with myself, it is destroying me slowly.  

Ø  I am angry because I hear the talk at work about the things my co-workers put on Facebook, but I have never been asked to “be friends.” Then I realized, if they did friend me then they would know who I am.  That is something I do not want them to know.

Ø  I am angry that I need to take my medication, and do it merely out of habit, often wondering if it works anymore.  I’ve been taking it for so long, I’m not sure if I would know the difference really.  Even though I take it, I still get severely depressed, manic, have psychosis – so why take the meds – they obviously aren’t working.  Or maybe they are and even though it’s not stopping the symptoms, it could be worse.   Can’t imagine it really, it’s already hell.

Ø  I am angry and hate that I can’t share what on my mind all the time, I fear it – merely speaking the words of it all.  There are days when I don’t want to be positive, I want to sit in a corner and cry until it passes.  I want tell all the bad things in my head – that are nowhere near positive and as negative as you can get sometimes.  But I don’t, I tell myself I can merely think different and it will go away. 

Ø  I am angry that I lose my way so easily and my dreams are slipping away.   I’ve always had the idea of what life would be, I would write, share with my talents with the world.  Promote mental health, write stories and books.  Take pictures and use them to share the beauty of nature.  I would travel and experience the world as it’s meant to be, open and free.  While these ideas are still part of my life, I find it hard to achieve them when much of my time is spent merely surviving.

Ø  I am angry that the world is going on around me and I’m not really part of it, I go through the motions of living – though I don’t realize it at the time.   I wonder how much I am losing.

Ø  I am angry because I look at the sea and sometimes see only water; there are days when even the beauty is lost to me.   People come here for the breath taking views and beaches, but I see it and walk away. 

Ø  But most of all,  I am proud of myself, in at least in this instance, I didn't hide my anger and fear.  I let it out so that maybe someone else will do the same.   It’s not an easy ride for any of us, but together and by sharing our stories we can make it through. 

Dispelling the fear of Hypomania

I sit on the rocks overlooking the Tasman Sea as I write this, watching the waves come in, crashing below me.  Some swells reaching several feet, others a mere ripple, all of them though are amazing and powerful in their own way.  Nature directs their path and intensity, in a similar way our minds guide our modds and how the cycle we are in will affect us.  Hypomania, mania and depression - they come and go, each moment in time.

Do a search about Bipolar disorder and you’ll find thousands of results explaining every aspect from depression to mania, medication, depression and the lesser known hypo-mania.  My partner recently read an article about hypo-mania and how it is often a prelude to either a severe depression or more sever mania.  The beginning of the article reads like a warning label, “Hypo-Mania – Danger Alert,” and while the symptoms listed are correct, it should not be written as a warning of impending doom for those who may be just learning about Bipolar Disorder, whether it is the individual or their friends and family.

 

The reality is hypomania, yes can be a pre-cursor to a full blown manic episode or a depressive episode, there is no denying that; however, let’s look at it from another point of view.

·       Learn what hypomania is and how it is different for each person.  A blanket description only tells you what could happen.  You have to discover for yourself, with the help of a partner, friends and your doctor, what triggers your mood and what symptoms are dominant.      

·      Make a list of your symptoms, how they affect you and those around you.  Both the good and bad.

·      Keep track of how long the cycle lasts and what happens as it dissipates.  This is important as it will give you the information you need if you then become depressed or actions become more intense leading to a full blown manic episode.

a.    To monitor my moods I use a daily chart and track my level of depression, anxiety, mania and sleep.  By looking at these numbers I am able to see when I was up or down and can then correlate that with a particular event or see a pattern evolve over a couple weeks, or if the seasons have changed.  The seasons can play a large part in our mood cycles. 

·      The symptoms of hypomania without a doubt can be harmful, but that does not mean you should be protected from life and kept sheltered.

a.    If you have a history of spending money while manic, have a limit set on your credit cards and bank card, so you can only spend a certain amount.  If you are in a relationship and have a joint account, let your partner know how you are feeling.  This can be one of the hardest things to do, as when mania hits it feels good and the last thing we want is someone to take that feeling away. 

b.    Anger and irritability are common.  Try yoga to relax or writing to help clear your mind.

c.    If there is a tendency for promiscuity, have someone you trust be an accountability partner. If you go to a party, don’t go alone and have someone else drive who is aware of you illness and will be your “wing man” for the evening.

d.    Projects are probably one of the most common signs.  I can’t tell you how many I have planned, started and never finished.  On a good note it shows creativity and that we are alive and capable of many things, however, ideas can get away from us and accumulate quickly, leading to being overwhelmed and confused.  Make a list of your ideas and the steps it would take to achieve them and if you would be able to do it, even after the hypomania ends.  As hard as it may be, pick one or two to focus on for a week.  This makes it more manageable.  If after a week you want to try something else, stop one or both of the previous projects before starting the new one. 

It is important to not look at hypomania, or even mania itself and the ideas and projects that can come from them as all bad, they are things that you are obviously passionate about and are important, the problem is we want to do them all at the same time.  Learning to harness the excitement and energy is key.  It is possible, to use hypomania to your advantage as you get to know your symptoms, triggers and how you react to the cycles.   

As with most things, there is the good and bad, what it important here is to look deeper into the information you are seeking, there will be numerous articles all claiming to have the answer and telling you what to expect, take them at face value and see what works for you.  You are the one who matters and needs to educate not only yourself, but those around you as well. 

2008 leads us into the unknown.

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Back in January, which now seems like an eternity, I had great plans for this year. I maintained 4 or 5 blogs, working to keep each of them up to snuff. I was working for a local newspaper and doing some freelance work on line...

Slowly all these things came to a crashing end, some because I was taking on too much and had to realize I was only human. Some because I had to get a “real job,” in order to help pay the bills at home since we had just bought a house.

For nearly 6 months I fell into a cycle of work, blogs falling apart, leaving the newspaper and freelance work suffering terribly.

I could chalk much of this up to my “cycle” as my psychiatrist would call it, which could partially be true. Or the simple idea that I could everything and when I realized I can not, it all falls apart.

Last month, in November, I had the realization that I miss writing. I went back to the newspaper, restarted two of my blogs and recreated my photo blog. (Currently, under construction) and slowly working on a new website for my freelance business. I did learn however, to be careful. I have found several freelance jobs that I would like to tackle, apply for – but through experience know that taking on too much will have terrible consequences – in many ways. So, I must take it slow – which is SO not my nature.

So, what do I have planned for 2009 – ah, for right now I am not completely sure? I want to take my time a do this the right way, not too energetic, not to simple a totally manageable. OK, I can dream – in some way I know it’s not reality, a plan is one thing – keeping to it is another.

I began tracking my moods, which has helped considerably - I know when and why many of my moods occur. For those who have continued to read through my sporadic posts, I thank you.

Here is to a wonderful 2009!!

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Back to "Blogger"land

I look back on the posts I have made over the last couple months and have seen a common theme - time has gotten away from me. My thoughts and ideas for posts have gone to the way side, replaced by work, work, work, bouts of mild and severe depression, anxiety and sheer exhaustion.

I still have the ideas for posts, many written, and plan to continue the original plans for this blog in the coming weeks and return it to the status it was originally intended for, sharing the world of mental illness with all who stop by, a look into the life of someone with a mental illness and more importantly the important stories from around the world.

How do you deal with bouts of depression? We all face them at some point, though many people will not admit it. By sharing strategies with one another we can help those who feel lost, or unsure how to approach their difficulties and sadness.

One thing I have found to work, not only for my depression but for stress and anxiety as well is, taking some time for myself, writing and focusing on something I enjoy. It does work, though not fool proof.

Thank you to all who have continued to visit over the past months, I apologize for my "disappearance."

Where did summer go? Where have I been?

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I have sat here the last couple days wondering what to write to get my blogs back up to where they should be. It was only a couple months ago, before school let out for the summer, that I had plans, dreams and goals. Today, however, it is more of a fight to keep my head above water.

With my doctors blessing I went back to work, keeps me busy and has been a challenge to maintain my sanity, sometimes on a daily basis. As the summer has come to a close I find myself wondering where the time went, work seemed an easy thing to fit into my schedule, after all the girls were out of school - I only worked a few hours a day and then I had the evenings for myself.

Ok, maybe it was my medication that made me think it would all work out that way, but I thought it would work. Now, at the end of August I am hoping to simply squeak through next few weeks with my sanity in tact.

For anyone with Bipolar, you know what I'm talking about. Those fun little hypomanic episodes when you fly through the house cleaning all you can, then 30 minutes later are reaching for the phone to call the doctor because you can stop crying and feel like the world is closing in. Yeah, the last week has been like that.

In my defense, I have gotten a few things done - I have reworked my blogs (at least on paper), made more plans for when school starts again and "I have time." If anyone has an idea of how to keep on track, keep on task and actually follow a plan - let me know, because after about 3 weeks I lose all concept of what I was attempting in the first place.

So, from my cluttered mind - I find myself at the end of summer, no further ahead of where I was back in June. Well, there's always next time...........

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Stay Tuned for New Posts

Image from FlickrYou might wonder where I have been, well I'll tell you.......Writing!!! I have the spent the last week working on my non-fiction book. I will be back to posting on Monday, hopefully with a clear mind....:)