The Cold Hard Ugly Truth about Mental Illness and Sensitivity

I initially had the idea of focusing on BipolarDisorder and Schizophrenia as it pertains to sensitivity, but realized a single focus leaves out a lsrger group of people who also face these challenges on a daily basis.   

Five years ago, after several failed attempts at holding a job for more than a few weeks, countless severe depressive episodes and medication adjustments it was decided that I should consider apply for disability.  It was a hard thing to accept, while I welcomed the idea the realization that I was not able to hold a job was difficult to face and yet relief at the same time.  When I received my letter that I had been approved I became depressed, suddenly I realized that everyone (doctors, the state, and the disability system) saw me as not good enough, crazy and unable to function in society.  The one thing that was to make life a little easier and take some of the stress and anxiety away from me actually caused it.  In my mind I had this idea that I was damaged and not worth anything anymore.   I cried and yet felt relief at the same time.  The confusing world of mental illness and over sensitivity at its best, maybe they did know what they were talking about after all.   It took some time, but I accepted what I knew was the right choice and in the end realized that I could still contribute to society in many ways, but had the ability to do it on my terms, in my time and if I needed to walk away and take a break I could.  So, I began writing again and found a new love of photography. 

So, how does this all relate to sensitivity, you ask.  Well, for many people being sensitive is just part of who they are.  Everyone is sensitive at some point and in some way, its human nature.  However, for those who live with a mental illness, being sensitive becomes a challenge of mere survival and the trying to find a healthy balance. 

Being overly sensitive to a situation or comment made is called a trigger, or some may refer to it as having a switch that is flicked on.  These actions or words are seen as an insult, the assumption that someone does not like you, or you are simply not good at your job or an activity you are involved in.  While you know these are not true, the brain does not offer an objective picture of the situation and the ability to feel what is real and what is not is clouded.  The challenge is to learn how to see these triggers for what they are, ideas that developed from the actions and words of others with the absence of evidence.   Be aware that when you begin to use the words; always, everybody, never, nobody, etc., it is a sign that you may not be hearing what is being said in the right context. 

To help change the thought pattern and distorted thinking, it should be looked at as a learned skill.  For instance, when an incident occurs consider writing it down. 

Form four columns with enough room to write about the occurrence in detail.

• ·         The incident or trigger
• ·         What you felt at the time (how it was perceived)
• ·         How could it be seen another way (the other side of the coin)
• ·         How can your reaction be adjusted in the future

By doing this exercise, over time it can become second nature and train your mind to face these incidents with less stress anxiety in the future.   In addition to writing these situations down, it is also important to find additional ways to relax and calm your mind such as, exercise, talking with someone, such as a trusted friend or therapist, as well as painting or writing.  

I know for myself I need to learn and relearn, sometimes on a daily basis how to combat what I encounter.  As my mind battles the challenges of Schizophrenia, I need to continually remind myself that what I am feeling may not be the truth, as I know I am overly sensitive to conflict and criticism (or what I may perceive as criticism).   It is not  uncommon for me to play a situation over and over in mind for days, creating different scenarios in my mind of what I should have done or what I can do in the future,  and at times I find myself having the conversation out loud.  Maybe that is a good thing, they say when rehearsing a speech read it out loud to see if it makes sense. 

By learning what your triggers are and how your mind processes information, you have the most powerful weapon in defeating the effects of your reaction to being overly-sensitive to what we face in the world on a daily basis.  

5 Reasons We May Fail When Trying to Stabilize Mental Illness

It’s been over 21 years since I’ve been diagnosed with Schizo-Affective disorder, (a combination of Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia) and in that time I have learned what is takes to not only survive, but live with my diagnosis.

When I was first diagnosed I was sure I could do it on my own, most of us do.  We believe we know better than the doctors, after all we know ourselves and what we are capable of.  We don’t set out to fail, as with any illness we want to feel well and capable of living our lives fully.   Mental Illness is different, with such a stigma attached; feeling the need to hide it offers one of many reasons  to stop treatment or even start. 

#5 – Hospitals:  If you’ve spent time on a psych ward you would understand it is not a place to learn about your diagnosis in its full extent.   It is a group of individuals trying to understand how they got to be where they are and what they have to do to leave and get better.  The nurses, techs and ultimately the doctors can talk and prescribe medication, all the while hoping that when their patient is discharged they will continue treatment, though there is no guarantee.   So, yes hospitals have their place, they can start the process, but it’s a long term solution that is needed. 

#4 – Medications:   With so many medications available, it is hard to find the combination that will work.  Often times it can take months and multiple tries to find what is right for you.  Sadly, there is no one drug that will work for all mental illnesses, is it trial and error.   In some cases, side effects can lead to further illness and/or hospitalization.   This can be why treatment is often stopped, the endless frustration from not finding a treatment that will work can be overwhelming.   

#3 – Doctors:   It takes time to find a doctor you connect with and feel comfortable talking to, if not you may be less likely to listen to them.  It can take time, but it is important when you are serious about your treatment.   Psychiatrists and Psychologists alike are there to help, but it is a two way street, so understanding on both sides is vital. 

#2 – Friends and Family:  We may have heard a friend or family member say that the diagnosis is just something the doctor made up, you were just a little sad for a few days, or being told it’s not something to talk about, what will people think?   Knowing those you rely on the most are not supportive, or willing to listen and help, can set the cycle in motion again This ultimately leads to medications not being taken, doctor visits cancelled and the mind spinning looking for answers.  In the same breath, the opposite can also be true, family can promote the illness in order to keep their loved one medicated and “under control.” 

#1 – Ourselves:   It is our human nature to believe we know more than those who are telling us what to do, feel, or say.  The idea is adopted that the illness does not exist and that if it is ignored, it will go away.  Doctors can talk all they want, medications can be taken, but if we want to believe we are fine and go on with life as we see it, then that is what we will do.  It takes time for the realization to sink in that this is a life long illness and some help is needed, we are not super human, though there are times we believe we are. 

I know there are many more reasons or ideas that can be used to explain why it is so difficult to stabilize these illnesses, but if just one of these sounds familiar, then it is one step closer to finding the peace that is so desperately wanted and needed.

  

This is what it feels like to be lost and found in a psychotic episode

Mental illness shows itself in many ways, it can be sad, joyous, tiring, energetic, destructive and ultimately confusing.  There is one aspect though, that is often not talked about, it is the good, the bad and the ugly all rolled into one, it is psychosis.

When I started having psychotic episodes, they were exciting, wonderful and unsettling all at once.  You’re probably wondering how this is possible, well it is and each involved emotion plays an important part.

I do not always know I am heading into a psychosis, often someone will see it long before I do.  What I am aware of, however, is what is going on inside my brain, a mystical place full of wonder and promise, hopes and dreams, confusion and fear, all put together in a room,  let out in pairs and given the ability to experience life in the “real world.”

For me, this is how it begins.   Hopes and dreams appear first, being a writer and photographer I am suddenly struck with the most amazing ideas and decide that all of them are going to work, so I begin implementing each one all at the same time.  A new book idea is started, Writer’s groups are joined, and a photography site is set up as I wait impatiently for hundreds of adoring fans to praise my work – after all it is fantastic, right? 

Wonder and promise are not far behind. I go for walks and am amazed by the images I see, the boats on the water, the birds flying and not falling, surfers and paddle boarders riding the waves.  I think of what it must be like to be on a fishing boat, to walk on an island and take those breathtaking pictures that people are waiting to see. The whole world is in front of me, the promise of what is possible and with every part of my being I know I can make it happen.  I am restless and wandering is my only desire. 

Lurking in the back of that room are confusion and fear, they ease their way out, often unnoticed, and begin the not so nice side of this otherwise joyous experience.  Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, there is a flash of something out of the corner of my eye.  A person, an animal, a car passing by, I can’t really be sure; all I know is it doesn’t feel right.  When the two little trouble makers feel the hallucinations are not enough they add sound bites as I hear my name called when no one is around.  These two little imps are clever, for fun they throw in uncontrolled thoughts, and I begin to wonder if people are mad at me, why are they not talking to me, did I do something to upset them, am I not good enough?  These are often combined with the idea something is about to go terribly wrong.  Ah, they are devilish, cunning little things. 

See all this goes on at once, a tornado swirling around my brain.  There is the part of me that wants it to end, the power of confusion and fear are too much, but the idea of endless opportunities and ability could stick around, but I know it won’t.  They will go back into their room and wait for another time to come out, and with them take the brilliant sunshine and promise they brought me.  I know it’s not reality, I figured that out a long time ago, but for a period of time I am on top of the world, I was invincible.  Sadly, when it all ends I feel I am nothing, my photos will seem dull and lifeless and my brilliant writings are junk.   

I know people are scared at the mere idea of this, but to me it’s normal.  My mind, in all its chaos is a place I can hide, and sometimes it decides to come out and play; we understand each other – sort of.

No matter how you look at it, my brain has a mind of its own and what it is capable of is nothing short of amazing.

A Lesson I Keep Having to Learn and Relearn

In a perfect world we act, sometimes wrong, and when we do we learn not to do that action again.  We move on with life not really thinking about it again, chalking it up to one of life’s learning moments.

There are times though when, for me, that doesn’t always work.  There is that intellectual part of my brain that tells me, “You shouldn’t do that, you know what is going to happen and it’s time to step back and think first.”  Then there is a other side of the brain, the one that thinks it knows better and can control  everything, that  tells me, ”Don’t worry, we got this.”

Seems complicated, doesn’t it, actually it’s quite simple and it is in that simplicity that I lose myself and my logical thinking.  With my mental health challenges I know that I need to take care of myself in every way possible, the right amount of sleep, eat right, exercise, take my medication, but most of all I need to listen to my body and what my mind is telling me.  This lesson is one that was brought to the forefront recently and set me back a bit.

Working a part time job four or five days a week is OK, the hours are good and I have plenty of down time and freedom to focus on what I need to do.  However, a couple weeks ago they became shorthanded at work and asked me to come in on my two days off.  Of course I jumped at the chance, two extra days of pay, how could I turn that down.  My mind right away went to how much I could make with the additional days, what we would be able to do with the extra money – that was the focus, the extra money.  I wasn’t thinking about the affect it was going to have on me both mentally and eventually physically as well.  My normal five days suddenly turned into 12 days, it wasn’t until day 8 that it hit me and I realized what I mistake I made!   I had gone against my better judgement. 

Eight days in I was physically exhausted, I still believed I could do it, finish the next four with no problem, I had blocked the tiredness out of my head – dissociated you could say and kept moving.   When I finished my assigned days, I had two days off and collapsed.  I enjoyed the days off and knew that after that I would be on again for five more days. 

That’s when it hit me, I woke up that morning for work and a weight was on my chest.  The world was coming at me from every direction, conversations I’d had recently had suddenly became scenarios in my head where I was wrong and would be chastised for, and no good to anyone.  I was in the midst of a major anxiety attack.   For the first time in many months I took my anxiety medicine and went to work, wanting nothing more than to just be alone and let this pass, and jump start my brain again.

As you can imagine this is not the first time I have done this, felt I could take on the world and have no repercussions, and sadly it probably won’t be the last.  Each time, however, I can only hope that I get a little stronger, a little smarter and maybe a little wiser and know that I need to listen to not only my body, but my mind.  In my case, my mind is what is most important, if that happens to short circuit, the whole wall will tumble down and it will often take days to try and build it back up to try again.

Oddly enough, yes, there is a positive side to this.  I am learning, slowly and with encouragement that I need to take better care of myself.  Look at the bigger picture, i.e. myself, not what a few extra days of work will do for the bank account, think of what it will do to me.  It’s not selfish, its self care and knowing what it will take to stay well and available for friends, family and life in general. 

Are you too intelligent to be Mentally Ill?

This is a common problem for many people, the outside world, as it can be referred to, feels that if you are intelligent or creative, then you can’t be mentally ill.  The stigma is that those who are mentally ill commit crimes and cause trouble. 

If you look down through history some of the greatest minds have been or are mentally ill.  Famous authors, musician, painters, doctors, etc.  It seems that the creative mind feeds off its self.  These disorders fuel the brain, whether it is depression, mania, hallucinations or anxiety, each plays a part in shaping who we are and bringing our gifts to light.  Recently Carrie Fisher passed away, a great voice for bringing Mental Illness to light.  She had an amazing gift and used it to bring joy to others through her movies and understanding through her work to fight the stigma of these illnesses. 

I wish I could explain how it all works, but the one thing I can agree with, is what Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys spoke of in a 2002 interview. *In 2002, he spoke of how the disorder affects his creativity, explaining: "I haven't been able to write anything for three years. I think I need the demons in order to write, but the demons have gone. It bothers me a lot. I've tried and tried, but I just can't seem to find a melody.*  There is a lot of truth in what he says, our brains are meant to work a certain way for us and to change that, changes who we are.   

I’ve been hospitalized a few times and what I learned there or was told was that I was too intelligent!  I was to analytical! I became friends with the art therapist, she would push me to do things differently, to not analyze, to do something that I haven’t done before.  It was a great challenge for me because it’s not who I am.  It is a quandary we often find ourselves in and not one that we can answer or control.   

While I will admit it is a nuisance at times, it helps me to be the best I can be at my craft – writing and photography.  I believe it is the complexity of my brain that allows me to do these things, to craft stories, to see things in nature that others may not see and share that through my photography.  Would I want it to be different? That’s actually a hard question to answer, while yes to be without my illness would be great, no more medications, doctor visits, no mood swings and all the things that go along with it, however, I wouldn’t be ME.  I curse this illness most days, but it is because of it that I am able to do what I do.  My brain, while many would see it as not working correctly, I feel works just fine.  Yes, I have challenges, but doesn’t everyone? 

The thing is, beyond all the talk, stigma and misunderstanding,  there is the knowledge that we are gifted because we are fighting harder than we ever thought we would be able to and that in itself is worth bragging about.   So, be creative, be loud, be funny and let the world know that this is what Mental Illness looks like. 

A Portrait of Mental Illness

Her eyes tell the story of a lifetime
The world inside her is in turmoil,
The darkness shows the trials and fears of life,
the ones that can't be shaken
even when touched by the light of day

Her eyes tell the story of a lifetime
The empty stare wondering where it all goes from here.
Is there hope?

Her eyes tell the story of a life time
The upturned face, a picture of knowledge and loss all at once.
The desire to know who she is,
yet never wanting to let on to the truth.

It is in the deepest part of her eyes that she stays,
wanting to be free,
wanting to feel,
yet can't find her way out from behind the wall that keeps her true self hidden.

Her eyes tell the story.........

Remembering who you are, you're not your illness.

If you change the wording a little, "Can you remember who you were, before mental illness told you who to be?"  Does it sound a little more familiar? 

I can, I have always been a creative person.  I remember being 10 years old sitting on my bedroom floor making clothes for my Barbie's, or swinging on the front porch writing stories.  I always had a book with me; spending summer vacations reading as many books as I could, the hours at the library made me feel alive.  It was seen as the dabbling of a child though; no one put much thought into it or asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up.  I was told I was going to college and I would get a degree, get a job, get married and have babies.  I called their bluff, however, and enlisted in the military; I wanted to be on my own, away from the world I knew.  It never stopped my love of writing though, I continued - only no one knew.  I kept it too myself, my secret, the person I really was.

Mental illness changes many things in life and it can be difficult to silence the voices that say this is as good as it will be, the past is over, the person who was, can no longer be.  These are the lies that are transmitted with a diagnosis.  It feels as if, with the doctor’s words, comes a badge that tells us nothing will ever be the same again.

While there is some truth to this way of thinking, it's not the whole story.  A diagnosis of mental illness will change the future, that is true, but it cannot take away your past, the person you are deep inside.   There will be new challenges, an unseen battle of the mind that can make the days more difficult, but it does not mean that you are different as a whole person; it is merely a different way of living and looking at the world. 

This idea, however, does not come easy.  With such a diagnosis there is the immediate fear of stigma and being ashamed, both of which are society’s perception.  Life seems different and there is the question of how it will be now, medication, doctor visits, therapy.  Do I tell people? Friends, family, work colleagues?  These questions themselves are enough to add to the anxiety, but taking a step back can help bring it into perspective.  

If a friend came to you and said they had received a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, what would you do?  Think about that for a minute, what is the first thing you would do?   For most of us we would hope that we would be supportive, and there is no doubt we would be, but would there be a second of doubt and uncertainty?  Would you question, maybe for the first time who this person is?  Have they changed in your eyes? 

Now, look in the mirror - do you have these same questions about yourself?  The diagnosis of mental illness not only creates doubt and uncertainty in those around us, but in ourselves as well.  That is why we need to sit back and remember who we truly are, the person deep inside, whom we are at our core.  

Growing up you may have wanted to be an artist, but society told you that it was not a lucrative career path, were they wrong, or was it only their opinion?  With this new diagnosis, it will also be their opinion that you will hear.  Maybe now will be the perfect time to start a new career, follow that dream you always thought you couldn't have.  It can be seen as a new lease on life, a new beginning.  

While this total shift in careers or life may not be possible for everyone, it does offer the chance to explore what is inside of us a little more.  Creating a stronger and more resilient person than we ever thought we could be.  

What a Wallaby taught me about Bipolar Disorder.

 

Have you ever had a moment when things become a little clearer, you could relate a specific incident to what you were feeling?  I had one of those moments this morning; it was heart wrenching but triggered something in my mind, I suddenly realized that I was not alone in my struggle and I could learn something everyday on how this illness works and what others do to live with it and make the right decisions, or even how to live with the bad ones.  

 It was 6am, and I was driving to the beach for a sunrise walk, thinking of the sand, the sun and the quiet during the morning, when I saw them – the Wallabies  One hopped causally across the road; I slowed down knowing there was probably another not far behind.  Sure enough he was on the side of the road trying to decide if he should cross.   As we watched each other, he turned  back into the bush, or so I thought.   Watching him return to where he’d come from I continued on – well, he had a last second change of heart and turned to road as I drove past him, the two of us meeting in a split second, and I couldn’t stop.   I felt the bump, and in that moment and my heart sank.   I slowed looking in my mirror terrified at what I would see and what I had done.   However, he wasn’t there!   Where had he gone?  I was sure I had hit him.  

 So, what does this have to with Bipolar Disorder, you ask?   As I walked down the beach, thinking over the incident just moments before, I realized the Wallaby was as confused as I am sometimes, turning back and forth, not sure of the next step to take.  My mind jumbled, turning in circles as I figure out my following move.

 Hiding in the bush wondering if he should come out, is like hiding in a dark room afraid to go outside, to let people in.  What will they think?  If they see will they stop and talk, or will they just walk by.

 Standing on the side of the road deciding what to do, is the spinning mind and the uncertainty that plagues everyday actions.   Too many days are spent wondering what to do with the racing thoughts, wishing they would stop and focus to be on a single moment and action, if only for a few minutes.

Tires catching his tail are the risks taken – both good and bad.   When incorrect decisions are made, there are people who are hurt; there is a feeling of helplessness and seemingly no way to make it better.  The good is when a risk is taken and can stand tall, no matter the pain and press on determined to do the right thing. 

Wallabies, Kangaroos, Wombats and various other wildlife find their way on to the roads, and their struggle with survival, taking chances, relying on instinct to make the right decision is relatable to those with mental illness and challenges faced daily.   

There is no doubt. I will look more closely from this day forward, though that isn’t a guarantee of it not happening again, just like each cycle, I go through – as mania and depression collide – I will at some point come face to face with an obstacle along the road.

 

 

Mental Health and the Supportive Partner

In early January 2016, while corresponding with a friend in Tasmania, I told him of my mental illness.  Being that open and honest and sharing my story with someone was terrifying.  Once I hit send, I was more than terrified at the email I would receive in return.  Would we still be friends, would I receive an email back at all?  I feared rejection, but it never came.  Instead  he asked questions and never judged me.  He listened to what I had to say, being more inquisitive than anything.  So, he did his own research and learned all he could on Bipolar Disorder and what he could do to support me. 

Here is what I wrote:  

In, '96 I attempted suicide and spent 3 weeks in the hospital. While there I received the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, anxiety and PTSD.  My mental illness is hereditary, my father was paranoid schizophrenic.  He never sought treatment and was a wanderer. My mom tells me I am just like him.  He passed away in 1999, a victim of his illness. 

I need my medication, it's reality and not a big deal to me anymore. There are days that are bad and days when the world is perfect.

Over the next few months, our relationship grew and we made the decision for me to make the move to Tasmania.  There was concern, of course, on how I would handle the change, mentally.  As we talked, we came up with a word, something I would say when I was anxious, depressed - when I needed help.  Our trigger word became, "home." A word that would bring the help I needed to combat the darkness and anxiety that  crept in when I least expected it. 

My biggest challenge was that I was alone and dependent on my partner.  I missed my family and friends, and some days wondered if I had made the right move.  I would go for a walk and see what was around me, the beaches, breathtaking sunrises and the love of my partner.  I knew it would not be easy at first, I had made a major change in my life, disrupted my structure and had to learn a new life.  In the first weeks I learned to drive on the opposite side of the road, a new money system and met friendly people.  Though I think some were more intrigued with the American in town.  

A few days ago I woke up depressed,  I didn't want to be out of bed, all I wanted to do was cry and I felt completely alone.  I picked up my phone and not realizing what I was saying, texted "I love you, hurry home."  Within ten minutes my phone was ringing, I had said "home."   In that moment I knew I wasn't alone, he comforted me and told me to get dressed and go for a walk, get some fresh air.  Two hours later, after a 2 1/2 mile walk, my mind was clearer and I was able to face the rest of the day.   I realized then that everything we had planned for, was working and I could ask for the help I needed. 

The message here is, find people who will support you, whether it is a spouse, friend or other family member.  Talk with them, tell them what you need when things are not going well, make a plan for what to do in those instances.  Plans need to be in place before a depressive or manic episode takes over.  This is when you will need a support person to help you find your way through the cloud of confusion.  

Mental Health and Positivty - A New Beginning

There are plenty of mental health blogs, most focusing on what can go wrong and how to fix it.  Why not focus on the positive side of the illness?  I've decided to take a different approach in how I look at not only my mental illness, but what I write about as well.  We need to see the best thing when seeking stability and a way to handle most illnesses is to focus on positivity.

 I received the diagnoses of  Bipolar Disorder with psychotic features, Anxiety and PTSD.  In the past 20 years I've tried endless medications, treatments, seen therapists and hospitalizations.  While the doctors mean well and are good at what they do, we are responsible for our health and treatment. 

Yes, I take my medication, I won’t stop that because it helps keep me stable, but I know that is not the total answer.  It is time for a new focus and a more positive way of looking at this illness many feel will take away our life.  It won’t, often it will give you more than you ever imagined.   

When the focus is on the positive and we discover our talents, our life becomes one of joy and stability. I hope you will join me on this journey of discovery and wellness.  

O - is for Obstacle

Picture for a moment a sporting event, no matter the sport there are obstacles in the way and there is a challenge to move around them in order to win the game or race.  It takes determination, practice, precision and most of all a dedication to what it will take to win.  So, you may ask what does this have to do with mental illness, well it takes that same determination and dedication to achieve stability despite the challenges that are placed in our way. 

When it comes to treatment my doctors consider me a challenge.  I have tried more medications than I could mention, not being able to take the majority due to side effects and my system being so sensitive.  I’ve had my psychiatrist sit and shake his head at me and smile, telling me I am a challenge.  I will take that as a compliment to him, as he has found ways to treat me that work and not give up because of my sensitivities.  Each medication or treatment that does not work is an obstacle I must overcome in order to stay healthy.

My diagnoses in itself is an obstacle, the initials or names may not mean much to people, but to me they make up part of who I am and why I do the things that I do.  I face the challenge of PTSD (Post-Traumtic Stress Disorder) because of years of abuse.  I have spent many years fighting to get back what was taken from me.  I have hope that I will find my way until then the wall is there and one brick at a time I am chipping away at it. 

Bipolar disorder and Anxiety create a world of havoc in my life that can last for days or weeks, even months at a time.  Each of these illnesses on their own can create chaos, put them together and the challenge can become monumental.  What is most important with these illnesses is learning the triggers, or obstacles that find their way into your life and cause the mood swings. 

Putting this all together into one single post is difficult, but in the end we are all the same.  We are each faced with challenges and obstacles on a daily basis that challenge us or make us doubt our choices.  It’s normal and with each obstacle we face we know that we become stronger as people and learn what we are truly capable of.

What are some of the challenges in your life?  

D is for the Many Faces of Depression

We all feel it at one time or another, the feeling of sadness and hopelessness; to a point it’s normal phase of life.  Different situations affect us and we go through a period of time where it seems nothing can go right.  For some,  however, that feeling doesn’t go away, lingering for days and weeks at a time and interfering with everyday life.  The most important aspect of depression is for those who live with the illness and more so for those who do not  is to know that it is not a sign of weakness or being negative, it is a legitimate health issue and treatable with medication, talk therapy, and lifestyle changes.   

Depression is not as clear cut as many may think there are many faces to depression and I want to touch on a few of them here.  The diagnosis of the type of depression is critical is finding the right type of treatment.    

Major Depression is the illness that is most commonly heard of.  It is characterized by a loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities, loss of weight, or weight gain, a feeling of being sleepy most of the time, a feeling of worthlessness, trouble concentrating and thought of suicide.  Five of more of these symptoms must be present for at least two week for a diagnosis of Major Depression.  Once you have a diagnosis, your doctor can then begin to work with you on the best way to treat your illness. 

Persistent Depressive Disorder:  This type of depression follows the same pattern of Major Depression, however, the symptoms must be present for at least two year.  This would be considered Persistent Depression and is treated with medication and therapy. 

Bipolar Disorder:  While it mimics the symptoms of depression, there are also periods of extreme highs, called manic episodes.  The most important thing here is to use medication to stabilize the moods swings, these are called mood stabilizers.  Anti-depressant is not commonly use with Bipolar Disorder because they tend to increase the chance of a manic episode.  

Seasonal Affective Disorder:  This is most common during the winter months when there is less sunlight and the days are shorter.  Major depression occurs during this time and is treated with anti-depressants and light therapy.  Light therapy is most common and requires the person to sit in front of a natural light box for 15 to 30 minutes a day.  

Psychotic Depression:  This is a diagnosis of major depression which includes with it symptoms of psychosis, including hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia.  Anti-Depressants and Anti-psychotic drugs are used to treat this type of depression. 

PostPartum Depression:  This has also been known as the “baby blues,” and occurs in the weeks and months after the birth of a child.  Anti-depressants and therapy are known to help with this illness.  

Situational Depression:  While there is not a technical term for this type of depression, but it hits all of us at one time or another when a stressful event occurs in life.  The death of a loved one, the loss of a job, divorce or any occurrence that makes you feel unsure of yourself and the world around you.  Therapy is the most common treatment for this type of depression

As you can the illness of depression is not cut and dry, one size fits all type of illness.  There are many facets and anyone can fall under one or more diagnosis.  The more we talk about depression and mental illness the more we can come to understand that it is a medical condition and that 1 in 4 people live some sort of mental illness, most often you do not know who it is.  

B is for Breaking the Stigma of Mental Illness #atozblogchallenge

The attempt to break the stigma of mental illness is a hard-fought battle, with, at times it seems, no end in sight.  March 30th was World Bipolar Awareness Day, a day to educate people on the illness itself, but to eliminate the stereotypes that come with it.  The illness affects nearly 27 million people worldwide with five and half million in the US alone.

According to an article a South Dakota newspaper about breaking the stigma, changing the way of thinking is the key in helping people seek treatment for mental illness. When there is a negative reaction to anything the number of people who will seek help is dramatically less than if there was an open conversation available. 

While I could spout statistics and words of wisdom from the best doctors around the world, it makes more sense to me to have this post be real and personal and tell my own story and the battles I have faced when it comes to “coming out,” to the public about who I am. 

I was diagnosed in 1996, just before my 30th birthday.  Wasn’t exactly how I had I planned on celebrating my birthday, but what can you do?  I knew there was something not quite right, so I finally made an appointment with a therapist to try to understand what was happening.  All I knew was that I was happy one minute and depressed the next, five minutes later I would be elated again.  Sometimes it would last for days or weeks, but more often than not it was minutes, and I was not OK with it.  The therapist, knowing what was happening, sent me to a psychiatrist and the challenge of finding the right medications began.  It is important to know that medication is not the answer to controlling bipolar, it helps of course, but it takes a combination of drugs and therapy and self-exploration to find your way to living. 

As my luck would have it, the medication part  process was not so easy, it seems my body is very sensitive when it comes to medication and nearly everything we tried was not good for me, I was having side effects of the worst kind.  It took an extremely educated and patient psychiatrist to find a combination that worked for me, by going back “old school,” as he called it and using drugs that were  uncommon. 

My diagnosis is actually a complicated one, Schizo-Affective Disorder is the official name.  A combination of Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia is the easiest explanation, or Bipolar with psychosis. (Scary, I know)

I tell you all this to show the favorable side of mental illness, it is possible to live a “normal” life, be functional and sane.  While, all is good now, the early days brought a lot of anger, and I ruined a lot of positive things in my life.  It showed me; however, that people can forgive and who I want to be in my life and who I don’t.  Most of all it showed me; it is the media and people’s misconceptions that lead us down the road to silence and embarrassment. 

There are people in my life, who know of my illness, that hesitate to bring up certain subjects with me so as not upset me, or worry if I get “to happy."  I try to understand their point of view; they don’t understand and how can they really?  I simply smile and reiterate, again, that I am a regular person with an illness, please don’t treat me like a child.

Through all of this, I have learned a lot, and I hope you, after reading join in the movement to banish the stigma of not only mental illness, but all stigmas.

"C" is for Mental Illness and it's link to creativity #atozchallenge

Throughout history, it has been said that many of the most prolific writers, artists and musician were
often alcoholics, drug users and/or mentally ill.  With this information, it should be no surprise that research has been done to see exactly how true the beliefs are and the results are unanimous; there is a link between mental illness and creativity.  Now, that’s not to say everyone who drinks, smokes, does drugs or is mentally ill will become the next Ernest Hemingway, but many researchers and psychiatrists believe there is proof that there is some adjustment in the brain that while it may not work correctly in society's opinion, there is certainly something incredible going on. 

BP Magazine published an article titled, Bipolar and Creativity  - Is there a link?  Lord Byron, van Gogh, Virginia Woolf,  are only a few that are believed to have some form of impairment, and it worked to their advantage.  It mentions in the article that, author Kay Redfield Jamison, PhD, psychiatry professor at Johns Hopkins University, argues that a highly disproportionate number of artists and writers are depressed, suicidal, or manic, that the bipolar and artistic temperaments often overlap, and that those temperaments are causally related. Having a link to greatness may fight stigma and improve self-worth for some, but does the link between bipolar and creativity really exist, and is it a gift? 

While the piece goes into much technical detail and banter back and forth of the connection, from personal experience and what I have read I am a believer in the connection.  The written works of Ernest Hemingway and Abraham Lincoln are prime examples of what our minds are capable of in some of our darkest moments. 

The link between Bipolar Disorder and Creativity can be based on many things, from our extreme depressions to uncontrollable highs.  In those moments, the brain is over stimulated and everything seems possible.  The color's outside are brighter; the mind works faster, and the words that appear on the screen are clearer and more powerful.  In my own experience, it is in these cycles that I can write and create without abandon, there is nothing to hold me back and something in my brain is triggered that I cannot explain.

To many, I know it will sound strange, but do the research and see what you find you just might be surprised at how many of us, there are.

Additional reading:  11 Historical Geniuses and Their Possible Mental Disorders

Supporting Mental Health Advocacy

What a way to start this new challenge than with what is closest to me right now, Mental Health Advocacy, more importantly eliminating the stigma that comes with the diagnosis.  I think often that most people would be surprised to know how many people they interact with daily are diagnosed with some type of mental illness. 

Watch the news on any given day and there is sure to be an act of violence, neglect, or public incident that will be immediately be related to the person’s mental state.  It is this type of news stories that have shown that anyone with these illnesses should be put away and not allowed in society.  

This is much of the reason I am silent about my illness, or have been – until now.  I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 1996, to say the journey has been a rocky one is an understatement.  I have been lucky to be admitted to the hospital only twice, and I have fought with everything I have to stay healthy, listen to my doctors and learn as much as I can.   It’s complicated though, at least for me, not only am I Bipolar, but also live PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Traumatic Stress Disorder) , Anxiety, DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), and OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder).   To me, it simply means I have more letters after my name than most doctors, and for some reason, my brain was wired wrong.  The PTSD and DID, unfortunately, result from years of severe abuse, and from what I have learned does play a hand in my other disorders.

I thought for a long time that I had to hide who I was, wear a mask so to speak, but over the years, I have begun to find by hiding who I really was I was losing myself.  I am NOT my illness; I am a person who wants to live and enjoy each day and fight with everything I have to stop the stigma and ugliness that come from the admittance of mental illness.

In October 2013, a Chicago Bears wide receiver was fined for a uniform violation.  His crime you ask?  Since October is Breast Cancer Awareness month players were required to wear pink, instead he chose to wear green cleats in honor of Mental Health Awareness Week.   He stood up for what he believed was right, in support of someone he cares about and was punished for it.  I give him a standing ovation, and I believe many have as a way of saying thanks for doing what many of us can’t. 

With each day, I hope that we come another step closer to stopping the ignorance and stigma that are directed to those who are not able to speak for themselves and accept one another for who we are.  Everyone has a story and it is time I told mine.  Will you be the next to stand up?