5 Reasons We May Fail When Trying to Stabilize Mental Illness

It’s been over 21 years since I’ve been diagnosed with Schizo-Affective disorder, (a combination of Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia) and in that time I have learned what is takes to not only survive, but live with my diagnosis.

When I was first diagnosed I was sure I could do it on my own, most of us do.  We believe we know better than the doctors, after all we know ourselves and what we are capable of.  We don’t set out to fail, as with any illness we want to feel well and capable of living our lives fully.   Mental Illness is different, with such a stigma attached; feeling the need to hide it offers one of many reasons  to stop treatment or even start. 

#5 – Hospitals:  If you’ve spent time on a psych ward you would understand it is not a place to learn about your diagnosis in its full extent.   It is a group of individuals trying to understand how they got to be where they are and what they have to do to leave and get better.  The nurses, techs and ultimately the doctors can talk and prescribe medication, all the while hoping that when their patient is discharged they will continue treatment, though there is no guarantee.   So, yes hospitals have their place, they can start the process, but it’s a long term solution that is needed. 

#4 – Medications:   With so many medications available, it is hard to find the combination that will work.  Often times it can take months and multiple tries to find what is right for you.  Sadly, there is no one drug that will work for all mental illnesses, is it trial and error.   In some cases, side effects can lead to further illness and/or hospitalization.   This can be why treatment is often stopped, the endless frustration from not finding a treatment that will work can be overwhelming.   

#3 – Doctors:   It takes time to find a doctor you connect with and feel comfortable talking to, if not you may be less likely to listen to them.  It can take time, but it is important when you are serious about your treatment.   Psychiatrists and Psychologists alike are there to help, but it is a two way street, so understanding on both sides is vital. 

#2 – Friends and Family:  We may have heard a friend or family member say that the diagnosis is just something the doctor made up, you were just a little sad for a few days, or being told it’s not something to talk about, what will people think?   Knowing those you rely on the most are not supportive, or willing to listen and help, can set the cycle in motion again This ultimately leads to medications not being taken, doctor visits cancelled and the mind spinning looking for answers.  In the same breath, the opposite can also be true, family can promote the illness in order to keep their loved one medicated and “under control.” 

#1 – Ourselves:   It is our human nature to believe we know more than those who are telling us what to do, feel, or say.  The idea is adopted that the illness does not exist and that if it is ignored, it will go away.  Doctors can talk all they want, medications can be taken, but if we want to believe we are fine and go on with life as we see it, then that is what we will do.  It takes time for the realization to sink in that this is a life long illness and some help is needed, we are not super human, though there are times we believe we are. 

I know there are many more reasons or ideas that can be used to explain why it is so difficult to stabilize these illnesses, but if just one of these sounds familiar, then it is one step closer to finding the peace that is so desperately wanted and needed.

  

This is what it feels like to be lost and found in a psychotic episode

Mental illness shows itself in many ways, it can be sad, joyous, tiring, energetic, destructive and ultimately confusing.  There is one aspect though, that is often not talked about, it is the good, the bad and the ugly all rolled into one, it is psychosis.

When I started having psychotic episodes, they were exciting, wonderful and unsettling all at once.  You’re probably wondering how this is possible, well it is and each involved emotion plays an important part.

I do not always know I am heading into a psychosis, often someone will see it long before I do.  What I am aware of, however, is what is going on inside my brain, a mystical place full of wonder and promise, hopes and dreams, confusion and fear, all put together in a room,  let out in pairs and given the ability to experience life in the “real world.”

For me, this is how it begins.   Hopes and dreams appear first, being a writer and photographer I am suddenly struck with the most amazing ideas and decide that all of them are going to work, so I begin implementing each one all at the same time.  A new book idea is started, Writer’s groups are joined, and a photography site is set up as I wait impatiently for hundreds of adoring fans to praise my work – after all it is fantastic, right? 

Wonder and promise are not far behind. I go for walks and am amazed by the images I see, the boats on the water, the birds flying and not falling, surfers and paddle boarders riding the waves.  I think of what it must be like to be on a fishing boat, to walk on an island and take those breathtaking pictures that people are waiting to see. The whole world is in front of me, the promise of what is possible and with every part of my being I know I can make it happen.  I am restless and wandering is my only desire. 

Lurking in the back of that room are confusion and fear, they ease their way out, often unnoticed, and begin the not so nice side of this otherwise joyous experience.  Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, there is a flash of something out of the corner of my eye.  A person, an animal, a car passing by, I can’t really be sure; all I know is it doesn’t feel right.  When the two little trouble makers feel the hallucinations are not enough they add sound bites as I hear my name called when no one is around.  These two little imps are clever, for fun they throw in uncontrolled thoughts, and I begin to wonder if people are mad at me, why are they not talking to me, did I do something to upset them, am I not good enough?  These are often combined with the idea something is about to go terribly wrong.  Ah, they are devilish, cunning little things. 

See all this goes on at once, a tornado swirling around my brain.  There is the part of me that wants it to end, the power of confusion and fear are too much, but the idea of endless opportunities and ability could stick around, but I know it won’t.  They will go back into their room and wait for another time to come out, and with them take the brilliant sunshine and promise they brought me.  I know it’s not reality, I figured that out a long time ago, but for a period of time I am on top of the world, I was invincible.  Sadly, when it all ends I feel I am nothing, my photos will seem dull and lifeless and my brilliant writings are junk.   

I know people are scared at the mere idea of this, but to me it’s normal.  My mind, in all its chaos is a place I can hide, and sometimes it decides to come out and play; we understand each other – sort of.

No matter how you look at it, my brain has a mind of its own and what it is capable of is nothing short of amazing.

Are you too intelligent to be Mentally Ill?

This is a common problem for many people, the outside world, as it can be referred to, feels that if you are intelligent or creative, then you can’t be mentally ill.  The stigma is that those who are mentally ill commit crimes and cause trouble. 

If you look down through history some of the greatest minds have been or are mentally ill.  Famous authors, musician, painters, doctors, etc.  It seems that the creative mind feeds off its self.  These disorders fuel the brain, whether it is depression, mania, hallucinations or anxiety, each plays a part in shaping who we are and bringing our gifts to light.  Recently Carrie Fisher passed away, a great voice for bringing Mental Illness to light.  She had an amazing gift and used it to bring joy to others through her movies and understanding through her work to fight the stigma of these illnesses. 

I wish I could explain how it all works, but the one thing I can agree with, is what Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys spoke of in a 2002 interview. *In 2002, he spoke of how the disorder affects his creativity, explaining: "I haven't been able to write anything for three years. I think I need the demons in order to write, but the demons have gone. It bothers me a lot. I've tried and tried, but I just can't seem to find a melody.*  There is a lot of truth in what he says, our brains are meant to work a certain way for us and to change that, changes who we are.   

I’ve been hospitalized a few times and what I learned there or was told was that I was too intelligent!  I was to analytical! I became friends with the art therapist, she would push me to do things differently, to not analyze, to do something that I haven’t done before.  It was a great challenge for me because it’s not who I am.  It is a quandary we often find ourselves in and not one that we can answer or control.   

While I will admit it is a nuisance at times, it helps me to be the best I can be at my craft – writing and photography.  I believe it is the complexity of my brain that allows me to do these things, to craft stories, to see things in nature that others may not see and share that through my photography.  Would I want it to be different? That’s actually a hard question to answer, while yes to be without my illness would be great, no more medications, doctor visits, no mood swings and all the things that go along with it, however, I wouldn’t be ME.  I curse this illness most days, but it is because of it that I am able to do what I do.  My brain, while many would see it as not working correctly, I feel works just fine.  Yes, I have challenges, but doesn’t everyone? 

The thing is, beyond all the talk, stigma and misunderstanding,  there is the knowledge that we are gifted because we are fighting harder than we ever thought we would be able to and that in itself is worth bragging about.   So, be creative, be loud, be funny and let the world know that this is what Mental Illness looks like. 

“Z” is for Zero Symptoms #atozblogchallenge

“If a person doesn’t achieve zero symptoms, they haven’t failed, but if they are never given the opportunity to achieve that goal, the system has failed them.”    Allen Doederlein, DBSA President

 

What is the first thing you strive for when you have a cold, no symptoms, the ability to breathe again, no coughing or fever?  A cancer patient has a goal of no cancerous cells, remission.  There is a new movement for those who live with mental illness that tackles this topic, the goal for total remission, the ability to live with no symptoms. 

Target Zero to Thrive was a month-long  campaign in April to bring mental health professionals, researchers and those who live with a mental illness to work toward a goal of zero symptoms, and not settle for just feeling better.  That has been the goal in the past, to simple control symptoms and hope they do not come back.  We followed this protocol because that is the way it has always been done, but no more.  There is a better life out there, and it is time we found it. 

Some will look at this and think that maintaining stability is the same thing; however, it may only bring temporary relief  that is often fleeting, and the symptoms persist but to a lesser degree.  The true goal here is to eliminate the symptoms all together and allow each person the ability to thrive in their lives and not worry about when their illness returns.   Without the opportunity to achieve the goal of zero, the system has not done all it can to help.  Why should we settle for just good enough, when there is so much more to strive for?  

I have lived with mental illness for nearly 20 years in that amount of time I have seen many doctors and there has never been a real interest in finding a way to control how I feel daily;  it has always been a matter of what medication will make you feel better for the longest period of time, or at least until I saw  them again.  This new idea of working toward total remission is a welcome change in the way of thinking, hope in a sea of medications and doctor visits with nothing to show for it but bills and continued depression, mania and psychosis.

May has been dubbed Mental Health Awareness Month, I hope throughout the next 31 days people are made aware of what we live with and what can be done to help make each day better than the one before.  The media portrays mental illness in one way,  let’s change their perception. 

“M” is for Manic Depression #atozchallenge

Manic Depression, the story of my life in two simple words, they are polar opposites yet co-exist together making one hell of a mess and leaving mayhem in its wake.  It is hard to explain to anyone the extent of which this illness reaches, but I will do my best to tell you, from my experience.

 

It was three months before my 30^th birthday when I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (Manic Depression), at first it merely explained why I was acting the way I was.  One minute I was ready to jump off the bridge and the next I was cleaning the house from top to bottom in two hours.  There was no middle ground, and I had no idea, which part of me was going to show up when, I was lost and confused.  After three weeks in the hospital, I was sent home with medication and a therapist, but nothing to prepare me for what was to come, the new life I was about to face  how to deal with it.  

To explain the brain of a Manic Depressive is difficult, I struggle to find the right words to come close to an analogy, but what comes to mind is a train.  Imagine a train going 60 miles per hour down the tracks and suddenly slam on the brakes hitting a brick wall, everything stops and the wall crumbles to the ground.  Somehow, the engine of the train is still running, though everything is in a heap on the ground incapable of moving.  This is the feeling we get, a body unable to move and a mind that does not have the ability to stop and wants to keep moving.  The combination does not work well, and it takes time, far too much time, to figure out the correct way to deal with it.  

 Medication is a tricky business with this illness, to find the right combination is a game of chance and delicate adjustment.   We begin with a mood stabilizer, with any luck this will keep the brain pretty balanced; then we add the anti-depressant, and this is where it gets difficult.  The anti-depressant should, while working with the mood-stabilizer keep things stable, but for some, the anti-depressant if not given at the right dosage will bring on a manic episode.  Are you confused yet, yeah, me too. 

Therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists, these people are an interesting breed, for lack of a better word.  I have had the worse and the best; I am currently in the best category after many years of searching and becoming frustrated.  Without my current doctor’s I would not be where I am now.  That said, I have seen some who are merely interested in their insurance money, there were one or two who I felt more like I was their therapist and then, my favorite by far, was the one who lectured me that if I just changed my way of thinking, everything would be perfect.  

The most important thing that I have learned over my 18 year journey with Bipolar Disorder is no matter what medication you take or don’t take, whether you spend time in the hospital and have the best doctors around, what we really need is people.  Without family and friends who care and will be there when the days get hard, and we make stupid mistakes we have nothing.  The stigma that surrounds any mental illness is what strengthens the silence of those who live with it and keeps those we need the most away from us. 

“I” is for Imagine If… #atozchallenge

“You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one….”

John Lennon sang these words with other ideas in mind, but to me, this chorus says what I try to say and believe each day.  Someday we will live as one, those with mental illness will not be on the outside looking in, but integrated into society as “normal people.”   

Imagine if…... we looked at everyone as we did a new-born  child, innocent and perfect.  We cannot fathom what they will become as they grow, but it doesn’t matter at that time; why should it matter as they get older?  We are who we are meant to be when we are born it is the world that changes us as we grow. 

Imagine if…..we knew exactly how many people we associated with each day that lived with a mental illness, or had a member of their family suffering from a mental illness, would you be surprised?  Would you run away and not speak with them again?  Unfortunately, many would for fear of  “catching what they had.”  Sadly, there was a time this was common, and I am afraid still exists for many people. 

Imagine if…..we knew that people who contemplate suicide do not really want to die, but instead are crying for attention, for someone to listen to them; even for a minute.  They do not die from suicide; they actually die from sadness, hopelessness and despair.

Imagine if…..we opened our hearts to everyone, didn’t criticize, stigmatize or place blame on any one person because of an illness. 

This illness, at its very worst, takes your soul away, your life, dreams and hopes for the future.  Just imagine if we could make it better for future generations that will face the madness that occurs in our minds now.  There is so much to think about, to consider and to change that the mere idea is overwhelming; however, I think it is time for it to happen.  Too many people are hurting and begging for someone to hear them; many do not have the strength to speak for themselves; someone else needs to. 

I can only imagine……….