5 Reasons We May Fail When Trying to Stabilize Mental Illness

It’s been over 21 years since I’ve been diagnosed with Schizo-Affective disorder, (a combination of Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia) and in that time I have learned what is takes to not only survive, but live with my diagnosis.

When I was first diagnosed I was sure I could do it on my own, most of us do.  We believe we know better than the doctors, after all we know ourselves and what we are capable of.  We don’t set out to fail, as with any illness we want to feel well and capable of living our lives fully.   Mental Illness is different, with such a stigma attached; feeling the need to hide it offers one of many reasons  to stop treatment or even start. 

#5 – Hospitals:  If you’ve spent time on a psych ward you would understand it is not a place to learn about your diagnosis in its full extent.   It is a group of individuals trying to understand how they got to be where they are and what they have to do to leave and get better.  The nurses, techs and ultimately the doctors can talk and prescribe medication, all the while hoping that when their patient is discharged they will continue treatment, though there is no guarantee.   So, yes hospitals have their place, they can start the process, but it’s a long term solution that is needed. 

#4 – Medications:   With so many medications available, it is hard to find the combination that will work.  Often times it can take months and multiple tries to find what is right for you.  Sadly, there is no one drug that will work for all mental illnesses, is it trial and error.   In some cases, side effects can lead to further illness and/or hospitalization.   This can be why treatment is often stopped, the endless frustration from not finding a treatment that will work can be overwhelming.   

#3 – Doctors:   It takes time to find a doctor you connect with and feel comfortable talking to, if not you may be less likely to listen to them.  It can take time, but it is important when you are serious about your treatment.   Psychiatrists and Psychologists alike are there to help, but it is a two way street, so understanding on both sides is vital. 

#2 – Friends and Family:  We may have heard a friend or family member say that the diagnosis is just something the doctor made up, you were just a little sad for a few days, or being told it’s not something to talk about, what will people think?   Knowing those you rely on the most are not supportive, or willing to listen and help, can set the cycle in motion again This ultimately leads to medications not being taken, doctor visits cancelled and the mind spinning looking for answers.  In the same breath, the opposite can also be true, family can promote the illness in order to keep their loved one medicated and “under control.” 

#1 – Ourselves:   It is our human nature to believe we know more than those who are telling us what to do, feel, or say.  The idea is adopted that the illness does not exist and that if it is ignored, it will go away.  Doctors can talk all they want, medications can be taken, but if we want to believe we are fine and go on with life as we see it, then that is what we will do.  It takes time for the realization to sink in that this is a life long illness and some help is needed, we are not super human, though there are times we believe we are. 

I know there are many more reasons or ideas that can be used to explain why it is so difficult to stabilize these illnesses, but if just one of these sounds familiar, then it is one step closer to finding the peace that is so desperately wanted and needed.

  

This is what it feels like to be lost and found in a psychotic episode

Mental illness shows itself in many ways, it can be sad, joyous, tiring, energetic, destructive and ultimately confusing.  There is one aspect though, that is often not talked about, it is the good, the bad and the ugly all rolled into one, it is psychosis.

When I started having psychotic episodes, they were exciting, wonderful and unsettling all at once.  You’re probably wondering how this is possible, well it is and each involved emotion plays an important part.

I do not always know I am heading into a psychosis, often someone will see it long before I do.  What I am aware of, however, is what is going on inside my brain, a mystical place full of wonder and promise, hopes and dreams, confusion and fear, all put together in a room,  let out in pairs and given the ability to experience life in the “real world.”

For me, this is how it begins.   Hopes and dreams appear first, being a writer and photographer I am suddenly struck with the most amazing ideas and decide that all of them are going to work, so I begin implementing each one all at the same time.  A new book idea is started, Writer’s groups are joined, and a photography site is set up as I wait impatiently for hundreds of adoring fans to praise my work – after all it is fantastic, right? 

Wonder and promise are not far behind. I go for walks and am amazed by the images I see, the boats on the water, the birds flying and not falling, surfers and paddle boarders riding the waves.  I think of what it must be like to be on a fishing boat, to walk on an island and take those breathtaking pictures that people are waiting to see. The whole world is in front of me, the promise of what is possible and with every part of my being I know I can make it happen.  I am restless and wandering is my only desire. 

Lurking in the back of that room are confusion and fear, they ease their way out, often unnoticed, and begin the not so nice side of this otherwise joyous experience.  Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, there is a flash of something out of the corner of my eye.  A person, an animal, a car passing by, I can’t really be sure; all I know is it doesn’t feel right.  When the two little trouble makers feel the hallucinations are not enough they add sound bites as I hear my name called when no one is around.  These two little imps are clever, for fun they throw in uncontrolled thoughts, and I begin to wonder if people are mad at me, why are they not talking to me, did I do something to upset them, am I not good enough?  These are often combined with the idea something is about to go terribly wrong.  Ah, they are devilish, cunning little things. 

See all this goes on at once, a tornado swirling around my brain.  There is the part of me that wants it to end, the power of confusion and fear are too much, but the idea of endless opportunities and ability could stick around, but I know it won’t.  They will go back into their room and wait for another time to come out, and with them take the brilliant sunshine and promise they brought me.  I know it’s not reality, I figured that out a long time ago, but for a period of time I am on top of the world, I was invincible.  Sadly, when it all ends I feel I am nothing, my photos will seem dull and lifeless and my brilliant writings are junk.   

I know people are scared at the mere idea of this, but to me it’s normal.  My mind, in all its chaos is a place I can hide, and sometimes it decides to come out and play; we understand each other – sort of.

No matter how you look at it, my brain has a mind of its own and what it is capable of is nothing short of amazing.

Mental Health and Positivty - A New Beginning

There are plenty of mental health blogs, most focusing on what can go wrong and how to fix it.  Why not focus on the positive side of the illness?  I've decided to take a different approach in how I look at not only my mental illness, but what I write about as well.  We need to see the best thing when seeking stability and a way to handle most illnesses is to focus on positivity.

 I received the diagnoses of  Bipolar Disorder with psychotic features, Anxiety and PTSD.  In the past 20 years I've tried endless medications, treatments, seen therapists and hospitalizations.  While the doctors mean well and are good at what they do, we are responsible for our health and treatment. 

Yes, I take my medication, I won’t stop that because it helps keep me stable, but I know that is not the total answer.  It is time for a new focus and a more positive way of looking at this illness many feel will take away our life.  It won’t, often it will give you more than you ever imagined.   

When the focus is on the positive and we discover our talents, our life becomes one of joy and stability. I hope you will join me on this journey of discovery and wellness.  

After the April Blog challenge #atozblogchallenge

April brought the opportunity to let my voice be heard in the area of mental health, the struggles, misconceptions, treatments and simple thoughts of my own.  I struggled through some of it; the challenge was trying to find things that began with each letter, but in the end, it came together.   I did take a small break after the challenge to recharge my battery, so to speak and decide where to go from here.  What I learned during the month of April though was this……………. 

Mental Health Stigma will always be with us, as people, we fear what we do not know and cannot understand.  The easiest thing to do is walk away and whisper to others what we fear the most about the illnesses.  As one who lives with Mental illness, it is a heartbreaking thing to see, I speak for everyone; I believe, when I say we are just like everyone else; you would be surprised to know the truth about these illnesses and what they do and don’t do a person. 

For some of this, I blame the media; they are first to mention mental illness as the cause for any act of violence that occurs, when it most likely had nothing to do with the event, but it is the perfect scapegoat for what was done, after all. How could anyone really cause such pain to others?  It is for this reason that I rarely watch the news anymore; it makes me angry on so many levels. 

Now that I have put it out there about my illness, it is time be more open and share the ups and downs, the struggles and triumphs of my battle in the hopes it will help others know they are no longer alone in this world, and you do not have to hide.  

I am interested in what you think about the issue of stigma and mental health and if there are certain topics you would like to see covered here.  

"V" is for Vignette #atozblogchallenge

For today’s blog post, I decided to share a small snippet of my book, “Thoughts From A Cluttered Mind,” with you all, after all V is for Vignette.   The story is a journey of my struggle with mental illness, abuse, PTSD and how I came out the other side, a bit battered and bruised but wiser and ready to take on the world that was my enemy for so many years.  

“Click, slam, click.”  

The sound of the door locking terrified me as I walked slowly down the hall. 

“How did I get here?” I said out loud to no one, the suicide note was just for attention, just so someone would listen and take me seriously. 

I knew that part was only partially true, I had written the note for attention, but I also knew there was part of me that was ready to call it quits, Up until that afternoon to the outside world; I seemed a normal wife and mom.  Inside my mind, however, a storm was brewing, and I was caught in the middle of it.  It is these feelings and realizations that ran through my mind as I walked through the front doors of the psychiatric hospital that late July night.  I had reached the bottom, and found myself admitted to the mental hospital, I say call it what it is, a place for those who were crazy and couldn’t deal with reality, at least’s that how I felt as I walked down the hallway.

I wouldn’t get any answers from anyone tonight. Their only concern was keeping an eye on me, so I didn’t make another suicide attempt.  Tomorrow I would see about getting out of here; this was a misunderstanding.  A million thoughts ran through my head as I stared at the cold white ceiling, maybe if I just go to sleep, I will wake to find this to be a bad dream. 

It would be a night of interrupted sleep; my mind playing back the movie of my life and what I was seeing terrified me, I couldn’t escape it.  The memories had started, and I was nowhere near ready to face them. Instead I sat on the hard mattress and wrote, the words flowing out of me like a waterfall.   

 (journal entry) So, I hid.  I hid behind the walls thinking I was safe from the outside world, but I was not.  I was safe only from myself, for the time being.  I liked the comfort of knowing I wasn’t alone, that people understood me.  Outside the walls, the windows, behind the shades and curtains, there was a world that could not understand the confines of my brain.  They will never know what it’s like to sleep at night and pray you won’t wake up, that the loneliness will be over, and I would understand the truth that was in my mind.  Instead, I would wake up and find nothing has changed; I was alone.  I still had the desire for some sort of normalcy, and that I feared would never come.  If it did, would I notice it? How could I?

“H” is for Healthcare, Hope and Happiness #atozchallenge

I combine these three in this way; I have hope for happiness with the right healthcare; it is and has been, however, easier said than done.  One of the greatest challenges those with a mental illness face are healthcare.   It is unfortunately difficult to find a psychiatrist at times, a specialty the medical field that few seem to gravitate to.  If a good doctor is found the next obstacle is insurance, there is a major problem when it comes to insurance and their willingness to pay for mental health care, leaving the person to pay out of pocket.  This is one of the people do not go for care; they can’t afford it and insurance companies won’t pay for it.  An article in February of this year talks about mental health care and the Affordable Care Act,  while insurance companies will now be required to fund care, finding doctors to the take the insurance may be another battle, due to the shortage of doctor's and the overload of patients who will seek care.  

It amazes me that one of the first things to be cut from a budget is psychiatric care, clinics and hospitals. It is sad to know that those who are mentally ill are neglected in the healthcare area, when they need it the most.  A article from October 2013, talks of  President John Kennedy’s vision for mental health care and that, “Fifty years later, our biggest providers of mental health care in the U.S.A. are not hospitals or community mental health centers at all… but prisons.”  His vision was never realized, and today we find more and more people in jail rather than receiving the treatment they need.  While incarcerated they are still not given the help they need further complicating the person's illness. 

There are countless articles and news reports on the lack of funding and doctor’s available to treat those with psychiatric illnesses, but they are not usually brought to the forefront until something goes wrong, such as a school shooting.  It is only then that it is addressed, and the questions come as to why it continues to be allowed.  Mental illness is no different than cancer, or diabetes, but is looked at as something to be swept under the rug and not talked of – something that has not changed over the years. 

The sad thing is so many people could be helped, and maybe many disasters avoided if only we listened.   In some cases, these acts are being carried out as a cry for help, not to hurt people but so someone will notice, and they can get help.  If you ask someone with a mental illness if they have ever attempted suicide for attention, you will find that the answer very well will be yes, it’s a cry for help in a world that just does not want to listen.  

The conversation and finger pointing will go on for years to come, I am afraid, but it is a reality we must face.  It is why I decided to go public with my own struggles with mental health and what I have gone through not only personally but also concerning health care.  While I have insurance that does cover it, my co-pay for my doctor visits is higher and the number of specialists to choose from is very low, so even though I am covered there is still a problem.  This cannot  continue if we plan to help those who need it most. 

Mental Illness and Faith

Image by ANVAR - RUSSIANTEXAN © via Flickr

I can remember it like it was yesterday what I friend told me while I was in the psych hospital – She sat with me that afternoon for what I was hoping for comfort, for prayer, for her to understand and continue our friendship. Didn’t happen. Instead I heard……..

“You lied to me, your life is out of control and you told me, convinced me that everyone was against you. What is and was against you is Satan, your illness and depression is only because of your lack of faith and lack of prayer.”

I sat there in shock and disbelief with a broken spirit. This woman, who I had trusted, was a strong Christian and had taught me many things, suddenly turned her back on me because I was in a psychiatric hospital.

What did her statement really say about her faith and belief in God? I think the Casting Crowns say it best in one of their first songs, “If We are the Body.” It tells the story of how those who believe and are called to spread God’s word are neglecting those who truly need a shoulder, faith and someone to believe in them.

This simple statement turned me against the church, once again. I believed in God and part of me wanted to continue believing, but I had been told by his “faithful” that I was not worthy of His love, because I was “sick.”

It would be four years before I took the leap again, trying to trust a new group of friends, the faithful who followed God’s word. Didn’t judge and actually helped me to find my faith and to know my illness was not a result of a lack of faith, but a medical condition and that God will give me the strength to face each day.

What are some things people have said to you when it comes to you illness, no matter what it is? Are they understanding? Are they rude and hostile?