"V" is for Vignette #atozblogchallenge

For today’s blog post, I decided to share a small snippet of my book, “Thoughts From A Cluttered Mind,” with you all, after all V is for Vignette.   The story is a journey of my struggle with mental illness, abuse, PTSD and how I came out the other side, a bit battered and bruised but wiser and ready to take on the world that was my enemy for so many years.  

“Click, slam, click.”  

The sound of the door locking terrified me as I walked slowly down the hall. 

“How did I get here?” I said out loud to no one, the suicide note was just for attention, just so someone would listen and take me seriously. 

I knew that part was only partially true, I had written the note for attention, but I also knew there was part of me that was ready to call it quits, Up until that afternoon to the outside world; I seemed a normal wife and mom.  Inside my mind, however, a storm was brewing, and I was caught in the middle of it.  It is these feelings and realizations that ran through my mind as I walked through the front doors of the psychiatric hospital that late July night.  I had reached the bottom, and found myself admitted to the mental hospital, I say call it what it is, a place for those who were crazy and couldn’t deal with reality, at least’s that how I felt as I walked down the hallway.

I wouldn’t get any answers from anyone tonight. Their only concern was keeping an eye on me, so I didn’t make another suicide attempt.  Tomorrow I would see about getting out of here; this was a misunderstanding.  A million thoughts ran through my head as I stared at the cold white ceiling, maybe if I just go to sleep, I will wake to find this to be a bad dream. 

It would be a night of interrupted sleep; my mind playing back the movie of my life and what I was seeing terrified me, I couldn’t escape it.  The memories had started, and I was nowhere near ready to face them. Instead I sat on the hard mattress and wrote, the words flowing out of me like a waterfall.   

 (journal entry) So, I hid.  I hid behind the walls thinking I was safe from the outside world, but I was not.  I was safe only from myself, for the time being.  I liked the comfort of knowing I wasn’t alone, that people understood me.  Outside the walls, the windows, behind the shades and curtains, there was a world that could not understand the confines of my brain.  They will never know what it’s like to sleep at night and pray you won’t wake up, that the loneliness will be over, and I would understand the truth that was in my mind.  Instead, I would wake up and find nothing has changed; I was alone.  I still had the desire for some sort of normalcy, and that I feared would never come.  If it did, would I notice it? How could I?

“H” is for Healthcare, Hope and Happiness #atozchallenge

I combine these three in this way; I have hope for happiness with the right healthcare; it is and has been, however, easier said than done.  One of the greatest challenges those with a mental illness face are healthcare.   It is unfortunately difficult to find a psychiatrist at times, a specialty the medical field that few seem to gravitate to.  If a good doctor is found the next obstacle is insurance, there is a major problem when it comes to insurance and their willingness to pay for mental health care, leaving the person to pay out of pocket.  This is one of the people do not go for care; they can’t afford it and insurance companies won’t pay for it.  An article in February of this year talks about mental health care and the Affordable Care Act,  while insurance companies will now be required to fund care, finding doctors to the take the insurance may be another battle, due to the shortage of doctor's and the overload of patients who will seek care.  

It amazes me that one of the first things to be cut from a budget is psychiatric care, clinics and hospitals. It is sad to know that those who are mentally ill are neglected in the healthcare area, when they need it the most.  A article from October 2013, talks of  President John Kennedy’s vision for mental health care and that, “Fifty years later, our biggest providers of mental health care in the U.S.A. are not hospitals or community mental health centers at all… but prisons.”  His vision was never realized, and today we find more and more people in jail rather than receiving the treatment they need.  While incarcerated they are still not given the help they need further complicating the person's illness. 

There are countless articles and news reports on the lack of funding and doctor’s available to treat those with psychiatric illnesses, but they are not usually brought to the forefront until something goes wrong, such as a school shooting.  It is only then that it is addressed, and the questions come as to why it continues to be allowed.  Mental illness is no different than cancer, or diabetes, but is looked at as something to be swept under the rug and not talked of – something that has not changed over the years. 

The sad thing is so many people could be helped, and maybe many disasters avoided if only we listened.   In some cases, these acts are being carried out as a cry for help, not to hurt people but so someone will notice, and they can get help.  If you ask someone with a mental illness if they have ever attempted suicide for attention, you will find that the answer very well will be yes, it’s a cry for help in a world that just does not want to listen.  

The conversation and finger pointing will go on for years to come, I am afraid, but it is a reality we must face.  It is why I decided to go public with my own struggles with mental health and what I have gone through not only personally but also concerning health care.  While I have insurance that does cover it, my co-pay for my doctor visits is higher and the number of specialists to choose from is very low, so even though I am covered there is still a problem.  This cannot  continue if we plan to help those who need it most. 

B is for Barriers #atozchallenge

One of the biggest challenges (no pun intended) I have found with blogging for this month is that  there are numerous choices for each letter, I may end up having to write more than one a day.   The one that jumped out first this morning is barriers.  Yes, we all know those things we do or don’t do that keep us from accomplishing tasks, but all too often for those with mental illness it that stubbornness that leads to additional problems, though they may not be seen right away.  

In an article titled, Barriers to Mental Health Treatment: Stigma or Self-Sufficiency?, The reasoning behind this practice is looked at more closely.  It is an assumption that stigma would be the first reason why people do not seek treatment, surprisingly it ranks at number four, self-sufficiency is the top reason.   There is a profound belief that mental illness can be handled without doctors, medication and other treatments.  I can disagree with them because I have done that myself.  It took me almost seven years to realize that I could not take care of this my way; I believed I knew better than anyone else.  Eventually I realized I  had to look for help in other places and trust that the doctors I turned to would be able to guide me to wellness in a way I had been unable to do on my own. 

Another side to the self-sufficiency decision is all too often the inability to find the right doctor and medicine cocktail.  These two factors are probably the most common reason why treatment is cast aside.  I cannot begin to tell you the number of medications I have been on, over the last 18 years I have tried more medications than I could name.  Few have worked; however, many more have left me with side effects that I would not wish on my worst enemy.  The last one landed me in the emergency room with stroke like symptoms.  It was at that point that I told my psychiatrist; I was done with medications, and if I was to be treated, we had to find another way.  Her response, she referred me to another psychiatrist who has become a godsend, and we are using, ECT (Electro-convulsive Therapy) and TMS (transcranialmagnetic stimulation) to treat my illness along with CBT (Cognitive-BehavioralTherapy) with my Psychologist.  I still take two medications, and for now; it seems to be the right plan for me.   

We are taught as children to be self-sufficient, to find the answers on our own and follow a different path, we have to understand though that there are times when looking for a treatment alone is not the best plan.  Persistence is the first course of action and for some, it can take years, but when you find the right doctor, medications, and treatment it makes all the difference in the world.     

Additional reading:  What prevents people from seeking help 

Physician Assisted Suicide Debate

Health (Photo credit: 401(K) 2012)

The idea of doctor-assisted suicide has been in the forefront for years.  There are excellent arguments on both sides and in many cases, both sides are accurate – there is no easy answer, and it is quite possible there is no right or wrong answer.  There are times when someone believes it is their only way to find peace, to stop the pain, to save their families from watching them waste away.  Why suffer when we don’t have too? 

The debate I am sure will go on for years to come, but what is it really about?  On one side, we have the doctors who believe they know what is best for you.  While they have the textbook  knowledge and research on their side, can they be 100 percent sure what they are predicting and telling you is right?  If you have a diagnosis of terminal cancer and are given three months to live, should it be their choice to keep you in the hospital hooked up to machines and doped up on pain pills for your last days? On the other hand, should we be able to say how and when we would like to leave this world.  

It is true that a diagnosis of any terminal illness will send your mind spinning and there are some who may think taking the “easy way out” is the best way, but is that wrong?  I do not think that it should be the first choice, there should be some parameters put into place.  A diagnosis is not always correct, many have been told they have only weeks to live and go on to live five or six years. 

Assisted suicide should be considered when there are no options, when it is known the person will not recover and is spending their days in the hospital on pain medication and breathing only with machines.  That is not quality of life.  That is what the focus should be.

Quality of life, in the patient’s eyes, is what needs to be considered.  Before the final decision is made and medication administered, there should be counseling and the understanding that this is a last decision for both the patient and the family that is left behind.  

For me, I am not sure what I would choose.  I have thought about suicide many times and have attempted it once.  Could I actually do it?  I don’t know.  

Do you know what you would do?

FDA EXPANS ANTIPSYCHOTIC DRUG WARNING

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US food and drug administration has issued a warning that older, conventional antipsychotic medications may increase the risk of death in some elderly patients.

The drug companies are being required to include "black box" warnings pertaining to the potential risk in older patients who suffer from dementia-related psychosis. Some newer drugs, such as abilify and Zyprexa already carry such warnings.

Most of these drugs are approved for the treatment of schizophrenia, a disorder that causes unusual thoughts and behavior, including speech and memory problems. With this information, doctors can use them to help treat dementia patients - even though they are not approved for such treatment.

Having taking both of these drugs I know I would never take them again. Abilify made me terribly sick and Zyprexa - that just made me sleepy and more of a zombie. I can certainly see how it can cause problems. Thankfully I was able to stop, only after I left the psychiatrist who had prescribed them after he refused to listen to the problems I was having.

Doctors are right to try new treatments, but side effects and bad reactions need to be monitored closely, especially if using a drug that is not normally used for a particular illness or condition.

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