What a Wallaby taught me about Bipolar Disorder.

 

Have you ever had a moment when things become a little clearer, you could relate a specific incident to what you were feeling?  I had one of those moments this morning; it was heart wrenching but triggered something in my mind, I suddenly realized that I was not alone in my struggle and I could learn something everyday on how this illness works and what others do to live with it and make the right decisions, or even how to live with the bad ones.  

 It was 6am, and I was driving to the beach for a sunrise walk, thinking of the sand, the sun and the quiet during the morning, when I saw them – the Wallabies  One hopped causally across the road; I slowed down knowing there was probably another not far behind.  Sure enough he was on the side of the road trying to decide if he should cross.   As we watched each other, he turned  back into the bush, or so I thought.   Watching him return to where he’d come from I continued on – well, he had a last second change of heart and turned to road as I drove past him, the two of us meeting in a split second, and I couldn’t stop.   I felt the bump, and in that moment and my heart sank.   I slowed looking in my mirror terrified at what I would see and what I had done.   However, he wasn’t there!   Where had he gone?  I was sure I had hit him.  

 So, what does this have to with Bipolar Disorder, you ask?   As I walked down the beach, thinking over the incident just moments before, I realized the Wallaby was as confused as I am sometimes, turning back and forth, not sure of the next step to take.  My mind jumbled, turning in circles as I figure out my following move.

 Hiding in the bush wondering if he should come out, is like hiding in a dark room afraid to go outside, to let people in.  What will they think?  If they see will they stop and talk, or will they just walk by.

 Standing on the side of the road deciding what to do, is the spinning mind and the uncertainty that plagues everyday actions.   Too many days are spent wondering what to do with the racing thoughts, wishing they would stop and focus to be on a single moment and action, if only for a few minutes.

Tires catching his tail are the risks taken – both good and bad.   When incorrect decisions are made, there are people who are hurt; there is a feeling of helplessness and seemingly no way to make it better.  The good is when a risk is taken and can stand tall, no matter the pain and press on determined to do the right thing. 

Wallabies, Kangaroos, Wombats and various other wildlife find their way on to the roads, and their struggle with survival, taking chances, relying on instinct to make the right decision is relatable to those with mental illness and challenges faced daily.   

There is no doubt. I will look more closely from this day forward, though that isn’t a guarantee of it not happening again, just like each cycle, I go through – as mania and depression collide – I will at some point come face to face with an obstacle along the road.

 

 

Light versus Dark in Mental Illness

As I sit on the rocks overlooking the sea everything seems possible.  Such beauty in the water, calm and serene one moment, crashing ashore the next with all its power.  Clouds come from every direction.  The dark and the light meeting in the middle, vying for control bringing out the beauty in each other.

I have learned that each side tells a story.  One that I need to listen to, to understand the illness I live with and must face each day.

The darkness whispers in my ear, “I am too strong for you, I cannot be beaten.”  In that moment I believe, faith in myself falls to the wayside and I wonder if I will ever be “normal,” again.   My anxiety increases as I look the cloud in the eye, I know it is right I am not strong enough for this.  Sadness overtakes me and I slide down the wall, sit on the floor and wonder how I got here.

Just when I am ready to give up the sun speaks up, “Are you going to let the dark control you? Are you not going to fight?”  I look up, the brightness makes me smile, yet I am skeptical.  Can it be that simple?  Walking outside I feel the warmth on my face and the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks.  I start to remember how far I’ve come, and what I have done to fight this battle and survive.

The sun smiles and the cloud rumbles in defeat.  I look at them knowing they will always have a place inside me; they will battle each other again and again.  That I cannot deny.  While each believes in their power, I have to know who I am and what I can do when the dark cloud stops by to talk for a while. I cannot give into his lies and defeating attitude.  The sun shines on my face, my guide to battle the darkness, bringing me to the place I need to be.  The healthy, confident person I have worked for and to be an advocate for others.  

"E" is for Experience, Energy and Exercise #atozchallenge

I thought of these three for the letter “E," not quite sure how I would incorporate them all, but hey; I'm a writer I can figure this out.  The goal though was to relate them to my mental health ideas, well that was just asking too much then it came to me. For those with mental illness exercise is essential for mood, but finding the energy is difficult, and we know all this from experience.  Bingo!

Ok, had to have some fun there, in all seriousness I do know from experience that exercise is one of the best forms of treatment for my illnesses.  The fresh air can bring my most chaotic thoughts together into one place, if only for a short time.  In November of last year, we took a seven-day  trip to  Ft. Lauderdale, Florida; it was a week of relaxation, side trips and sun, but more importantly my morning walks on the beach as the sun came up were what sold me on the need for exercise and it's continued practice.

I woke up each morning at 6am and walked the two blocks to the beach, while there were many people on the boardwalk, no one was on the beach; I was by myself.  I stood at the water’s edge and watched the sunrise.  There are not enough words to express the feeling of calm, peace and release you find watching the sunrise over the Atlantic.  I had my camera with me and took many shots of the tide coming in, the slow rise of the sun, the sea gulls overhead and for nearly an hour would just walk letting the water wash over my feet.  I could have stayed there forever, for those moments nothing mattered.

Now, coming back to Pennsylvania after a week in Florida is hard enough, add the near record breaking snow fall we had and bitter cold it is safe to say I have not gotten out much since our return, and I can feel the difference.  The lack of exercise has, at least for me, a direct connection to how I feel and act.  I read an article recently titled, "How the outdoors boosts our mental health," that touched on this relation between the outdoors and mental health, it mentions, “Even if you don’t have hours to spend outside, taking 15 minutes to step outside and take a few deep breaths can greatly help clear your mind and relax your body. Being in the sunshine, even if only for a few minutes, helps the body absorb vitamin D from the sun, which is known to improve the mind.”  Also mentioned was the article, "Fresh Air is Good for Your Mental Health."

I believe this wholeheartedly, I am a wanderer by nature and for me to be surrounded by trees, water, or nature in general opens my mind up and releases some of what holds me back.  I can’t wait for Spring, the calendar says it has arrived, Mother Nature, however, has yet to receive the memo.